With a sigh Scotty turned on the radio. He had to study and with the radio in the background, it might be more enjoyable. He looked outside. It had been cloudy all day and about half an hour ago it had started to rain. He got even more annoyed when Kevin called, to tell him he would be delayed at work. He had things to finish and would be held up at the office for at least another two hours. He got even more frustrated when no station he listened to seemed to offer some good music, until …. Oh nice, golden oldies. And why not?
Fire – Pointer Sisters:
“ I'm ridin' in your car, You turn on the radio,
You're pullin' me close, I just say no,
I say I don't like it, But you know I'm a liar,
Cause when we kiss, Ooooh, fire!”
When the intro to “Fire” by the Pointer sisters set in, Scotty automatically let his shoulders move to the rhythm, humming along to the beat and stopping exactly on time. Damn! He shouldn’t know those songs so well, he realized with a grin.
He couldn’t help being reminded of the early days of their relationship. From the moment Kevin yanked him into his apartment, their sex-life was no reason to complain. And he remembered the many hot kisses in the car. Unable to let go off each other. Kevin was right. They were lovers then fighters and then lovers again only to become fighters again. Their lives, then, was a succession of arguments and make up sex, fights and apologetic kisses, loud shouts and sweet whispers, slamming doors and squeaking beds. Messy.
And right now he would give anything to be in a car with Kevin. The raindrops on the roof making enough noise to drown out the sound of their kisses. He would love to run fingers through Kevin’s hair. Kiss him. Just be mouth to mouth, with no other distraction… Until they would both be so hot, that they would touch each other, explore each other. He would unbuckle Kevin’s pants and let his hand slip in. And Kevin would moan underneath him, wiggling a bit to be more comfortable and make himself more accessible.
Scotty shivered. He knew he shouldn’t be having these thoughts. He was at home all alone. He missed Kevin right now and wished he could snuggle up to him, on the couch, warm and comfortable. He sighed. He longed for something warm and nice…. He wanted something to eat. Cookies or something. Maybe some tea or hot chocolate. Something cozy….
Meatloaf – Two out of three ain’t bad
And all I can do, is keep on telling you
I want you, I need you
But -- there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you
Now don’t be sad, ‘cause two out of three ain’t bad
Now dont be sad, ‘cause two out of three ain’t bad
Sure Kevin always said that he didn’t love Scotty, but from that first time in his office there had been something about that young man that made Kevin have all sort of ‘bad’ thoughts. He even remembered the exact moment he fell for Scotty. Scotty holding the picture of Hank in his hand, looking at him. A moment where there was a mix of curiosity, amusement, care and …. Something Kevin couldn’t put his finger on.
Scotty turned him on with his smile, with his teasing, with his openly questioning Kevin…. “Why are you whispering?” he asked when Kevin didn’t dare to speak Danny McCulloughs name out loud and of course it was ridiculous that Kevin still felt, after all these years, that he should ‘protect and defend’ what Danny and he once had.
And now Kevin began to realize, he didn’t want to be here in this empty office, staring at files that no longer held his attention. All he wanted to hold now was Scotty. He wanted to feel Scotty move against him, press him against the door, kiss him until he had no breath left inside him. He wanted the touch of Scotty fingertips on his skin….
Kevin closed his eyes. He switched off the radio. He shouldn’t think of Scotty now. He had a file to finish for tomorrow. Come on, Kevin, concentrate! But on the corner of his desk was the picture of Scotty, taken on their wedding day. He looked absolutely gorgeous and Kevin could not help but fall in love with Scotty all over again every time he saw this picture. God! He wanted to be with Scotty.
Frank Sinatra - Strangers in the Night
Strangers in the night, exchanging glances, Wond'ring in the night
What were the chances, we'd be sharing love, Before the night was through.
Something in your eyes was so inviting, Something in your smile was so exciting,
Something in my heart, Told me I must have you.
After their break up, Scotty found out that he was unable to erase Kevin from his memories. He knew Kevin was not good for him. He held on, for as long as he could, to the idea that Kevin undermined his self-confidence with his arrogance and the way he thought he could buy Scotty, but time made Scotty softer and made him listen to things differently.
He slowly began to understand that Kevin had merely looked for a way for Scotty to be with him, without losing his pay… He realized that, in his anger, he had missed something important, Kevin wanted to be with him, to show him to his family, friends and acquaintances, Kevin wanted to introduce him as his partner.
He was so happy when Michelle, quite by accident, (really, Scotty, how many gay/lawyer/Kevin’s could there be in LA?) re-introduced him to Kevin. He went home with Kevin, without any hesitation. He followed Kevin through the familiar corridors, to the familiar door, the familiar key, the familiar click as the door closed behind them. Familiar had been how Kevin looked up at him, biting his lip in the familiar way.
And then things changed, this time Kevin had taken the first step, reaching out to him, drawing him closer, kissing him eagerly, pushing the shirt off his shoulder and hungrily tearing Scotty t-shirt over his head, to press his lips to Scotty’s bare skin. He almost devoured Scotty with this passion that Scotty previously never saw in Kevin. Scotty begged and pleaded for release in no time, completely turned on by too much alcohol, too much desire, too much love …
He surrendered to Kevin like he never did before to anyone... Openly, with all of his heart, with all of his body, with all of his soul…. The next day, it really felt like a cold shower hit him when he realized why Kevin took him home. It wasn’t about him, it was about the actor, Chad. Scotty felt as if Kevin ripped his heart out. He was so deeply hurt and it took him every ounce of self-respect to walk out of Kevin’s apartment with his head held high, but once out of the door, he literally fled to his Ranchero and drove home.
He tried to wash Kevin off and out of him, he cried bitter tears, he never felt so cheap before. And, at the same time, he knew, that there would never be anyone he would love as much as he loved Kevin. His deep misery became his salvation in the end. He focused so much on his cooking that he became top of his class. Which led to an apprentice-ship, which led to an DUI-ticket, which eventually led him back to … Kevin.
Clarence Clemons & Jackson Browne – You’re a friend of mine.
Striking out? Well count me in,
I'm gonna stand right by your side through thick or thin
Ain't no doubt Gonna win
A walk through hell ain't bad compared to where we've been
Oh you can depend on me, Over and over...
over and over, Know that I intend to be
The one who who always makes you laugh until you cry
And you can call on me until the day you die
Years may come and go, Here's one thing I know
All my life, You're a friend of mine
With the radio ‘off’, Kevin got crazy from the silence so he turned it back on. And, listening to the cheerful music, he realized that if anyone had ever told him that one day Scotty would walk back into his office again, Kevin would have declared that person totally insane. There was no way that he would ever see Scotty again.
And yet, there he was. There they both were. Scotty all nervous and shy. Kevin all embarrassed and apologetic. It took one look, one smile and the months of separation just fell away. Only this time Kevin swore high and low he would not chase Scotty away again. He would be very careful with whatever Scotty was willing to offer. It was a frail line of friendship, but Kevin held on to it with both hands.
With Jason gone he needed Scotty. As a friend. He kept reminding himself. Scotty was just a friend. But the familiar feelings came back. Scotty’s smile, the laughter, the teasing, the looking forward to talk to someone, they all came back to him. Kevin so enjoyed to talk, gossip and debate. Jason’s silence was a double punishment. Not only didn’t he hear from him, he also felt deprived from talking about things that pre-occupied his thoughts with someone who wanted to listen.
And then he found out that Scotty was homeless. And he offered Scotty a place to stay…. When Scotty wondered, if there would be room for him, with all their baggage, he looked away to avoid that Scotty would see the desire that should NOT be burning so strongly for another man but Jason. But it did burn like an uncontrolled fire.
“And your missionary really won’t mind?” Scotty teased gently. Oh, his missionary WOULD mind, but, frankly, Kevin couldn’t care less. Now that he was in touch with Scotty again, he wanted Scotty to stay in his life. And this time, things would be different. They would not be lovers, so basically Kevin couldn’t screw this up. Besides he was in love with Jason and nothing could change that. Right?
So they lived in the apartment. Together. Usually on conflicting schedules, but they also found time for silly games and for the serious conversations, they would occasionally share the ice-cream and kept each other up-to-date with little notes. Scotty always made sure that there was something good and delicious to eat. Whether it was by inviting Kevin to eat with him at the restaurant or at home where Scotty made some terrific meals for the whole week, so all Kevin had to do, was defrost and put in the microwave.
Kevin so wanted to hear from Jason. He left messages, but none of them were ever replied. He was embarrassed by this. He wanted Scotty to know how terrific Jason was, but how could he ever convince Scotty of that, when he began to doubt it himself?
And Scotty? Scotty became the shoulder to cry on, the one who tried to put a smile on his face, the friend who put an arm around him and would tell him that ‘maybe he’ll call tomorrow’. But tomorrow passed and the day after that and the day… sigh... But the silence remained.
And then, that one night, with delicious lobster and terrific champagne. And Scotty next to him on the couch and suddenly they just turned their heads and they…. they kissed. He had been so hungry for love and affection, that he forgot his own promise to himself, that he wouldn’t hurt Scotty again…. He didn’t regret a single kiss, not a single caress, not a single thrust. But, God, why had Scotty allowed it to happen?
Madonna – Like a virgin
I was beat, incomplete, I'd been had, I was sad and blue
But you made me feel, Yeah, you made me feel, Shiny and new
Like a virgin, Touched for the very first time,
Like a virgin, with your heart beat next to mine
Why had he let it happen? He was not nearly as drunk as Kevin was. He remembered very well what happened that night. The lobster was great, the champagne tasted like lemonade, especially after the second glass, Kevin was rather cheered up. Scotty and he discussed their past. Both could laugh at certain things now, and eventually Kevin said:
“Twassntallbad.” No, Scotty had to agree, it wasn’t all bad.
He smiled at the empty glasses and filled them up again. Kevin grabbed one and suddenly, sounding extremely sad, he said:
“I should have never let you go….. I should have stopped you.”
“Stopped me from doing what?” Scotty asked, sipping the champagne.
“Leaving me….. Valentine’s day….I should have stopped you from leaving… Sh… Should… Should have tied you to the bed … or something.”
“Kinky…” Scotty mastered to say, wondering how it was possible that his champagne has somehow evaporated. He studied the glass to see if perhaps there was a hole in it. No, of course not, silly, he corrected himself, everything would have been wet. “… but not my style, I’m not really into those sort of things.” He giggled. Kevin laughed.
“First time f-f-for everything, I suppose.”
“What would you have done with me?”
“Made you my love-slave.” Kevin answered with a certainty that Scotty found downright hilarious, Kevin looked at him with a big stupid grin on his face, he had no clue what was so funny, but he made Scotty laugh, so it had to a good one. Their eyes met. They stopped laughing. Scotty felt his barriers crumble a bit. Kevin still had this intoxicating affect on him. Kevin and champagne.
He watched Kevin’s eyes fill with tears and heard how Kevin confessed with a raw voice:
“I should not have let you go… I wanted you so much… I’ve missed you…. So much…”
Scotty swallowed hard and he was shocked, no so much by Kevin’s words as by the incredible depth of the loneliness in his eyes. Scotty always felt that he could read Kevin’s soul, but now all he could read is the solitude and the longing for some human touch.
That was the reason why, two hours later, when they woke up from their little sleep, and the suggestion hung between them he did not hesitate. The moment that their lips met everything fell into place. Their kissing became frantic, hungry and passionate.
“I want you.” Kevin said and Scotty burned with a longing to take Kevin. He was so filled with desire that he didn’t take much time to prepare Kevin to receive him, but Kevin was too drunk and too experienced at this to care about it. All Kevin seemed to want was Scotty.
And how! Filled with passion Kevin wrapped his arms around Scotty. Scotty knew he was close. Suddenly he was aware of what Kevin whispered in his ear.
“Scotty, please, don’t let me go. Don’t let me fall. Make me whole again.” It is all he said, over and over again. It was this quiet plea to him that took Scotty eventually over the edge.
Based on the sticky wetness between them, he assumed that Kevin came too. Kevin kept holding on to him, tightly. When Scotty eventually stretched out beside him on the bed, Kevin rolled into Scotty’s arms and cried softly. And all Scotty can do is hold him, comfort him, give him soothing kisses.
He didn’t know why Kevin was crying, he only knew his own reason for wanting to cry. He loved Kevin so desperately. And, now, he had done the one thing, he vowed to himself, he would never do. Sleep with someone else’s boyfriend. He allowed Kevin to cheat on Jason and he should feel guilty, but all he felt was how good it was to be in Kevin’s arms.
Kevin eventually fell asleep, followed immediately by Scotty.
Scotty put the cup of hot chocolate was on the nightstand. On the tray were some cookies, he undressed and slipped under the covers, where it was warm. And he started to read his book.
Roy Orbison – It’s over
It breaks your heart in two, To know she's been untrue
But oh what will you do? When she said to you
There's someone new We're through We're through
It's over It's over It's over
The tears he cried were for losing something precious and for the fear of not knowing what he would get in return. For he knew, at that moment, that no matter how much he loved Jason, he loved Scotty even more. And he knew that continuing a relationship with Jason, beyond this point, would be wrong. He made his decision the moment he turned his head to kiss Scotty. And now, he had to accept the consequences.
So he left a message for Jason, telling him to urgently call him within 48 hours. He didn’t believe Jason would actually call. But it was his ultimatum. If Jason wouldn’t call within that time-frame, he would leave a break-up message on the answering machine. But he preferred to talk Jason himself.
But Jason did call. And Kevin told him the truth. Jason was shocked and angry. It was one of the most difficult telephone conversation Kevin ever had. But in the end he felt glad that he had done it. Unlike his father, he faced the righteous anger and hurt of the one he had cheated on. He was not like his father. At all.
No, he was not. He closed his file, closed off his computer, took his briefcase and his keys, turned off the lights and left for home.
Elvis Presley – Suspicious minds
We're caught in a trap, I can't walk out
Because I love you too much baby
Why can't you see, What you're doing to me
When you don't believe a word I say?
We can't go on together, With suspicious minds
And we can't build our dreams, On suspicious minds
What Scotty had not counted on, was that the worst was yet to come. Scotty just could not believe in Kevin’s love and desire to be with him. While he was worried that Kevin would change his mind once Jason came home, he didn’t realize that Kevin was worried, all the time, that one day he would come home and discover that Scotty had left, taking Kevin’s heart with him, once again.
Their lovemaking was laced with desperation and anxiety. The fear, that the little sanctuary that they built together, could easily be shattered and leave them broken all over again, haunted their daily lives. For the sake of the fragile peace they never fought over anything, swallowing remarks and opinions, anything that would upset the other. The problem at the same time was that they knew each other too well to be deceived by the other. They both knew they were lying and the both knew why.
And then Jason came back and Scotty had to face his worst fears. Scotty had been surprised by how willing he was to fight for Kevin and thus managed to touch Kevin deeper than he thought possible. He ended up being grateful to Jason for deciding to face Kevin and him the way he had, for it sure cleared the air between Scotty and Kevin.
And he wouldn’t say that everything was peaches after that, but they both became more relaxed around each other. His love for and trust in Kevin grew with each passing day.
Simon and Garfunkel – Bridge over troubled water.
When you’re weary, feeling small, When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
I’m on your side, when times get rough and friends just can’t be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water I will lay me down.
When Justin had suggested a domestic partnership for Kevin and Scotty, Kevin had been surprised by how strangely good this idea seemed to him. But, at the same time, he was glad that Scotty turned it down, because as soon as he mentioned it, he wasn’t sure if he was really ready to settle down, but he was also disappointed that Scotty was apparently not seeing him, Kevin Walker, as the man he wanted to grow old and bold with.
After those long two days in which everything tumbled around him, Justin’s feelings for Rebecca, losing Ojai, his argument with Sarah, explaining the Ojai-debacle on the phone to Kitty, soothing his mother’s hurt, the heart-breaking moment when they had to sign the documents for the merger of Ojai and Walker Landing, and of course Saul’s confession… he just wanted was to be home and be with Scotty.
He drove home feeling depleted of all energy, disappointed with his family and sick and tired of having to be a problem-solver. He came home to a dark apartment and, then, Scotty turned on the lights. Scotty had simply, on his own accord, changed the light-bulbs from the normal ones to the eco ones he had bought. Kevin had promised Scotty that he would do it, and that completely forgotten about it.
And after two days of listening to everyone else’s issues, someone had bothered to take a task out of his hand. The same person who had called the evening before, during his own break, to find out if Kevin was eating properly. Someone, who just, from the kindness of his heart, wanted to give him a break and took his jacket to put it on the chair, handed him his own beer while listening attentively to what Kevin told him. Who was appropriately shocked to hear about Justin and Rebecca, interested in Sarah and Ojai and deeply concerned about Saul.
And as Kevin talked he felt his energy return, Scotty’s blue eyes were fixed on him, he mattered, he was important. It was as if Scotty’s love and tenderness supplied him with the strength he needed. He explained how his family-members seemed incapable of being happy, not to mention Saul’s tragedy and how he, at least, came home to someone who is kind and caring.
And Scotty smiled at him, not expecting anything, just happy with the little compliment, that he didn’t get as often as he deserved. And suddenly Kevin knew it. This energy he felt came from Scotty. Just his being there, gentle, loving, caring and supportive. And then, after a small hesitation he heard himself say the words he thought he would never speak:
“What?” The reaction on Scotty’s face made it clear to Kevin, that this was not what Scotty had expected. And suddenly he was afraid that he misjudged Scotty’s feelings for him. Or that Scotty still didn’t get, how much Kevin loved him. He got nervous.
“I mean it, I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to… I want to make this official. …”
Scotty was astonished.
“Because I changed the light-bulbs?” And Kevin could not help but laugh and then confessed:
“I am completely, completely in love with you. I even love the things about you that I hate. Because you make me feel like I don’t have to be anyone other than who I am, and, to me, that feels like family. That’s what I want us to be. I want us to be a family, because that never ends.”
And then he realized what was wrong. He did it all wrong. He got off the couch and got one knee.
“Scotty, I’m asking you, will you please marry me?” As Scotty got closer and took Kevin’s hands into his own, Kevin got scared. Scared that it is not good enough, that it is too late, that Scotty doesn’t want to marry him… He swallowed and then he heard Scotty’s anwer.
“Yes… Yes, Kevin, I’ll marry you.”
And Kevin suspected that he would never again in his whole life feel what he felt then, on that moment. This overwhelming happiness. This pride. The look on Scotty’s face, caught between surprise and shock at Kevin’s proposal, would be etched in his memory forever. And then Scotty kissed him, his arms around Kevin. And as Kevin replied to the kiss, he knew the meaning of the words ‘total happiness’.
Barry Manilow – Weekend in New England
I feel the change coming, I feel the wind blow
I feel brave and daring! I feel my blood flow
With you, I can bring out, All the love, that I have
--with you there’s a heaven, So earth ain’t so bad
And tell me, when will our eyes meet, When can I touch you
When will this strong yearning end and when will I hold you again
Scotty glanced at their wedding picture, framed, on the nightstand. They both look so happy.
Scotty could never have imagined Kevin actually marrying him, all day he had waited for disaster to strike, but nothing happened. Kevin showed up, on time, brought him his father’s cufflinks.
Nora went out of her way to give them the fairy-tale wedding they both secretly longed for, but had not dared to expect to get. For Scotty everything had been perfect and he was happier than he ever hoped he could be. He was sad that his parents did not show up, but his friends were there. Kitty officiated with grace, Robert and Tommy had offered their help with the rings.
And after the kiss the congratulations came and he got a firm hug from Justin and Saul. Sarah looked at him with tears in her eyes and told him how happy she was for both him and Kevin. And, for the first time, Scotty felt accepted by the Walkers as if he were another member of the family.
And maybe he shouldn’t be thinking about the past. He should concentrate on the future. His future with Kevin. The man he wanted to be with now.
Then he heard the key in the lock….
“You’re home.” Scotty was stunned as Kevin entered their place.
“I had to. I want you. I want to be with you.” Kevin replied. His voice filled with desire.
“It’s raining outside.”
“Better get out of those wet clothes.”
“Help me?” Kevin asked suggestively.
“Getting you out of your clothes? Always. Come here.” Kevin came closer to the bed. Scotty helped Kevin as the coat slipped of Kevin’s shoulder and dropped to the floor. Then Scotty started to unbutton his shirt.
“That isn’t wet.” Kevin protested.
“Yes, it is. You just don’t realize it yet.” Scotty replied, raising an eyebrow and giving Kevin a little smile as he unbuckled Kevin’s pants and tried to further undress Kevin.
“I protest, Mr Wandell. I can guarantee you that my underwear is not wet.”
“Overruled, Mr Walker. I am be the self-appointed judge here and my ruling goes. So get naked or I will hold you in contempt of court and than your punishment will be: no sex with me…. Or anyone else… (I know how picky you lawyers can be about words...)”
“Damn, you leave not loopholes in your decisions.”
“None, what-so-ever.” Scotty grinned and then, wanting to feel Kevin’s naked body against his, he ordered: “Get under the covers with me, where it is warm and dry…. For now.” Kevin immediately obeyed and Scotty claimed Kevin’s mouth without saying another word. Kevin’s fingers were tightly in Scotty’s hair. Their kiss was deep, long, thorough and left both of them panting and, above all, hungry for more.
“I want you.” Kevin moaned softly and Scotty could not think of anything anymore. Scotty pinned Kevin down, by covering Kevin’s body with his own. Kevin spread his legs to give Scotty access to his body, but Scott was far more interested in kissing Kevin’s mouth. He wanted the intimacy of feeling Kevin’s mouth against his, Kevin’s muscles under his fingers, the taste of Kevin’s skin, he wanted all that. But Kevin has other desires.
With more strength than Scotty expected, Kevin pushed him over and on his stomach. He immediately started a hungry attack on Scotty. It has been a long time ago since Scotty had seen Kevin this aroused, this passionate. It was no longer about love, but about lust, the immediate desire to find satisfaction and Scotty couldn’t do anything but let it wash over him and forget everything around him as he surrendered his all to his handsome husband.
Donna Summer - Love to love you baby
I love to love you baby...
When you're laying so close to me
here's no place I'd rather you be
than with me here
I love to love you baby...