Disclaimer: I don’t own anything
Extra: This an AU (Alternative Universe) story, so remember : The more things change, the more they stay the same. Here are part 01, part 02, part 03, part 04, part 05, part 06, part 07, part 08, part 09, part 10, part 11, part 12, part 13, part 14, part 15, part 16 and part 17
HALFWAY DECEMBER 2007
Kevin knows he's lucky that Chad wanted to give him the keys of this house for three weeks. He's glad, he now has a good reason to avoid Christmas and New Year's Eve with the Walkers. He had not been able to stomach the idea that he had to spend it in the same room as William Walker.
Chad, good friend he always was, had listened to Kevin's sad story and suggested this place and Kevin had grabbed the opportunity with both hands. That is how he got here, in this house on Curacao, late last night.
And only now has he the time to get acquainted with the house. Downstairs is a large hall and a spacious living-room, with an open kitchen. The large, closed garden gives a sense of privacy. Up the stairs is the bathroom with a delicious bubble bath Kevin can’t wait to try.
There is also the master bedroom, that has doors that open up to a terrace, build on the roof of the kitchen. From the terrace you have a beautiful view of the ocean. Kevin loves the house, which is near the ocean, there’s only one street to cross and then the beach with it's palm-trees begins.
The soft breeze blows the immediate heat away and Kevin, drink in hand, really enjoys sitting back in the large chair and having the time to read his book. He just started with chapter 5, when the doorbell rings, startling Kevin. He still isn’t used to the loud clanging noise. He quickly goes down the stairs to open the front door.
He gasps as he sees a man standing before him. He had expected him to be here much later in the day.
“Kevin…” is all the man moans, then Kevin feels himself get crushed between the man and the wall. The kisses are hungry and passionate and Kevin feels like he himself could explode at any moment.
“Bedroom… upstairs.” He pants between two kisses. The man nods. It’s hard to make it up the stairs without letting go of each other and Kevin is this close to simply have sex with the man on the stairs, but eventually the mattress is underneath him, his clothes lie scattered over the floor.
With trembling fingers they hurriedly get each other ready and then Kevin lies down to feel the first careful push to enter his body. It hurts a bit, but he’s too eager to let it stop him. He wants this man inside of him. Now!
“Oh! Right where I want to be…” The man moans once he’s finally deep inside Kevin. The first thrust hurts, but Kevin doesn’t want to waste time worrying about it. He pushes back. He wants more, so much more. And he gets filled time and time again by the man on top of him and the tears burn in Kevin’s eyes.
It’s been too long, since he felt this strength, this desire, this passion. There’s nothing else left in the world except the two of them on the bed. The passion overtakes everything else. There are kisses where kisses can be planted. Touching as far as hands can reach. Their bodies are melting together to one ball of passion, simply excluding everything else around them.
“Oh, please! Please!” Kevin cries out his ecstasy, not having felt this alive in months. They move closer to the edge, Kevin can feel his partner move too uncontrolled to hold on much longer. Suddenly Kevin gasps and his partner does the same.
“Scotty!” Is all he whispers as the orgasm rushes through him.
BACK TO EARLY OCTOBER 2007, RIGHT AFTER WILLIAM´S PARTY
It is remarkably quiet in the car as they drive back to the loft. Scotty stares out the window to his right, as if there´s anything to see in the dark. Kevin stares at the road ahead, his mind somewhere else.
“Well, that was a success.” Kevin says eventually.
Scotty cannot determine if he’s being sarcastic or not, because with William’s words still on his mind and the cheque burning in his pocket, he feels this day was a disaster.
“Do you really believe that? Or are you just joking?” he therefore asks.
“I wish I knew. I feel like it was a total disaster, but I don’t know why. Does that make sense?”
Scotty doesn’t reply, somewhere he has an idea what Kevin is talking about.
“Mom was sweet as ever. Dad was civilized. Sarah and Joe were having fun. Kitty’s new boyfriend, Jonathan, was not the worst Republican I’ve ever met, Tommy and Julia are still hopeful about getting pregnant. Justin was sober, so was Fawn. So, what is missing? Why does everything feel 'off'?”
“Kevin, would you mind pulling over? I need to talk to you and I don’t want to wait until we’re at the loft.” Worried Kevin stops at the first available place. Scotty pulls out a piece of paper and, with a trembling hand, he gives it to Kevin. Kevin turns on the light in the car to read it and he does not understand at first, what he’s looking at.
“A cheque?” He asks astounded.
“From your dad.” Kevin knows that, he immediately recognized his father’s handwriting.
“Why?” Though Kevin asks the question, he senses he’s not going to like the answer.
“I must get the hell out of your life, because I’m not good enough for you, he says.”
Scotty can’t see Kevin’s face, except for the brief second that he switches off the light in the car again. So Scotty cannot judge what Kevin is thinking. Kevin hands him the cheque.
“Right.” He says, turns the key in the ignition and drives off. In the passing head-lights Scotty tries to figure out what is going on in Kevin’s head.
He can see the tight hold on the steering wheel. He can see Kevin’s lips, a straight line in his face. He can see that Kevin stares at the road, focused on what is ahead. But they are mere glimpses. In the dark, he feels lost, he has no idea how Kevin will react. If Kevin gets mad, will he lash out at him? Hurt him?
Once they are back at the loft, Kevin pours himself a drink. He holds up the bottle, a question in his eyes, but Scotty shakes his head. He’s had enough to drink.
“So, what are you going to do about the cheque?” Kevin asks suddenly, the first spoken words since Scotty showed it to him.
“Tear it up. What else? … Kev, I want to be with you. Contrary to what Mark believed I’m not for sale.”
“It’s an awful lot of money. I could understand….”
“Kevin Walker!” Angry Scotty throws the pillow, with the image of Liza on it, at Kevin’s head.
Kevin catches it however and with a sad smile he says:
“I mean it. Scotty, with this money you could fulfil your dream of becoming a chef-cook. I’m sure you could easily find someone else. I can even imagine that you want to get as far away from the Walkers as you can get …”
“I don’t.” Scotty sighs. “Yes, I could find someone else… but I don’t want someone else. I want you, honey. I cannot imagine my life without you anymore. My dream can wait… we on the other hand cannot. Come to the bedroom with me and I’ll show you how silly your ideas are and I’ll tell you what I really want .. with you… naked… underneath me….”
Scotty kisses Kevin over and over and Kevin just melts in his arms. The buttons of his shirt are undone in no time. And Scotty’s mouth is on his skin. Kevin sighs, running his hands through Scotty’s hair.
“Please.” He begs, seeking Scotty’s lips.
He is not sure what he’s asking for exactly, but Scotty seems to know, because he takes Kevin’s hand and leads the way to the bedroom, where he pushes Kevin down on their bed. His hands slide over Kevin’s skin, remembering the many times he caressed the skin before.
He carefully retraces the touches that Kevin likes and consciously immediately goes for a quick arousal. He doesn’t want to give Kevin time to think. He only wants Kevin to enjoy, to undergo and to submit to Scotty’s hands. By now, he knows exactly what to do, how to do it and to do it without shyness.
And Kevin does stop thinking, and he begs for more of the soft touching and then he feels Scotty’s mouth on him and he bucks up, nearly crying as Scotty relentlessly turns him on, but doesn’t let him go. His hand is on Scotty’s head and he sobs for release.
“Please, Scotty, please.” Is all Scotty hears in the dark.
“Turn over.” Scotty orders softly and with a moan Kevin complies and he can hear Scotty breath loudly behind him, as he quickly, but not as very thorough as usual, prepares Kevin.
Scotty can see the shimmer of pain on Kevin’s face when he penetrates Kevin’s body, so he stops to give Kevin some time to adjust. But, like Scotty, Kevin is too eager to wait much longer. He pushes back and Scotty starts to move again. What follows is just pure desire, pure lust, frantic and fast, wanted and begged for.
Kevin forgets everything as he feels Scotty move inside him. His hands have found grip on the sheets of the bed and he gives himself completely to Scotty. The grip on his hip becomes even stronger as one hand moves underneath him and it is that last touch that sends Kevin over the edge.
Kevin only switches on one light, enough to see where he’s going, so he doesn’t wake up Scotty by inadvertently walking into something. He pours himself another drink, chucks in some ice-cubes. The first sip stings in his throat. It burns and Kevin holds the glass tightly. His initial anger comes back full force.
How could his father do this to him? Hadn't he suffered enough? He thought that, with the end of the 'silent war', there had been some point of acceptance. He could understand that William wasn't happy with having a gay son, but he truly believed that perhaps William had stopped hating him.
But then he had also been foolish enough to think he had his siblings who would be on his side. He can still hear the words of his siblings in his ears. He really thought they’d be happy for him. That they could see how much he and Scotty love each other….
Oh, logically, he can’t blame them. Yes, Scotty is younger. Yes, it all happened very fast. Yes, there are a lot differences between him and Scotty. In fact , superficially they have every reason to believe Scotty and he won’t make it, but at the same time their differences are their strongest points.
He had felt something click into place from the moment he had seen Scotty in that motel. He had known that somehow, someway Scotty was the man he loved. For the longest time he did not dare to believe that Scotty would feel the same way. And now he believes in Scotty, he believes in what they have. He believes in “love” for the first time in a long time.
Then he sees the cheque on the table and he freezes. For almost two minutes he can only stare at it, then he picks it up carefully and his mind tries to comprehend the significance of this cheque. His father doesn’t want Scotty in Kevin’s life… No, Kevin corrects himself. William couldn’t care less who he sleeps with…
William doesn’t want Scotty in William’s life. William cannot stand to be reminded of the fact that he has a gay son. William doesn’t want his friends to know that he ‘failed’ at something. And to William, the best way to keep that secret is to keep Kevin single and searching. Always a good excuse. “Kevin hasn’t found the right girl yet….”
Kevin smiles cynically. With the way he’s been sleeping his way through a large chunk of the male population, there’s no way he’ll find ‘the right girl’ anytime soon. But the smile fades immediately when he starts to wonder how many boyfriends William might have bought off. And what will his current boyfriend do with the cheque?
“Just tear it up alright!” He hears a voice behind him say, but he shakes his head.
“It’s your money.” But Scotty falls on the couch beside him and wraps an arm around Kevin.
“No. I don’t want it. I want you. Now, please, come back to bed.” Scotty asks.
“We have to deal with this.”
“First thing tomorrow morning.”
“No. I won’t be able to sleep. I need to … I want to know what you will do with it?”
“Tear it up. I told your before. Now give it to me and we’ll mail the pieces back to your dad and get it over with.”
“No! Wait! Scotty, this is more money than you’ve ever had.”
“Money isn’t everything.”
“I know, but think of what you could do with it.”
“I won’t enjoy it without you, so what’s the point?”
Kevin opens his mouth to continue the argument, but then he closes his mouth again. There's an idea playing in his head and as impossible as it sounds, it might just work... but Kevin needs time to figure out some details..
“You’re right. We need to think about it first… Tomorrow.”
Scotty gives him a suspicious look, Kevin backed down way to fast, but Kevin smiles.
“I’m tired, love, can we go to bed now?”
“Sure.” Scotty replies, still wondering about the sudden change in Kevin.
When Scotty enters the living-room the next morning, after waking up in a cold empty bed, he’s not really surprised to find Kevin behind his computer.
“Hi, baby, there’s coffee in the kitchen, not sure if it’s still fresh though….”
“What are you doing?”
“I think I found a solution for the cheque, my dad and all.”
“Yes. Tear it up and give it back to your dad.”
“Are you nuts? Why should you? If dad wants to buy you out, he’s going to have to pay a lot more than that.”
“Whah?” It’s too early in the morning for Scotty to come up with something better. “But, I’ve said it before, I don’t want to be bought off. I want to be with you.”
“This is not about me, this is about William Walker. My dad is the one who doesn’t want to see you. Well then, fine, he won’t get to see you.”
“You’ve lost me.”
“No, I haven’t, you’re standing right next to me.” Kevin jokes, but then more seriously: “My father cannot stand the idea of a man in my life. It’s not about you, or even about me, it is only about how it will make William Walker look …
Listen to me. I’ve been surfing the net a bit lately and emailed some chef-schools in the area. There are several options. You are already a bit late, but you can still fit in some schools. The best one here in Pasadena didn't have an available place right now, but will have two places after Christmas, two students moving away from Pasadena.
They do however still accept students in their New York-school, you could still join classes to become a chef-cook there. That one is bigger, but received less applications this year. But you’re running out of time. This is the last week they accept new students. After this week, you’ll have to wait an entire year…
It’s only a few months and then you can pick it up here in Pasadena after Christmas. You’d have to work like crazy to catch up and I can't guarantee that the schools will accept this solution, but we can ask and I’m sure you could do it. You love this so much.” Kevin’s enthusiasm excites Scotty and for a brief moment he lets himself believe he could do this... But not for long.
“That is great, Kevin, but New York? I don’t know anyone there… Do you really want me to leave?”
“No, God, no. If it were up to me I’d lock you up, naked, in the bedroom and never let you out, just to make sure that you would be with me forever, but ...that is against the law….” he finishes with a sad face.
Scotty laughs, but he still doesn’t understand where Kevin is going with his story.
“It’s actually very simple. Dad pays you to not show your face again. Good. You take the cheque, and the money, and you take the study in New York, the one you need to fulfill your own dream. And once you’re back in Pasadena, we pick up where we left off.”
“Isn’t that cheating?”
“That is a big word. Call it ‘being creative’. We’re just applying our own interpretation to my father’s request.” Kevin tries, thus giving Scotty a reminder that he lives with a lawyer, who loves to play with words… and it sinks in.
“So,.. you want me to stay in your life, contrary to what you father wants, but instead you want me to take up my study in New York, so I will appear to be gone from your life, when in reality I'm not. We will remain a couple, but once I would return to Pasadena, we keep our relationship to ourselves, as long as we can and your father won’t see me anymore, because, ... I’m going to avoid him?”
“Exactly! There is really no chance that dad will ever come to see me. He hates me.”
“I don’t think he hates you….”
“Well, he doesn’t love me much either, if he doesn’t want me to be happy.” Kevin shrugs.
“Kevin, we can’t keep this a secret forever.”
“Who spoke of ‘forever’? We just go our own way and so what if, in time, Dad finds out?… What could he do? It’s not like he’s going to sue you. He’ll be very angry, disappointed and upset, but that is not really our concern, is it?”
Kevin grins and Scotty seriously needs a few seconds to adjust to this idea. It is tempting,... but he feels like a cheater, ...but William condescending way irritated Scotty, ... he wants to be with Kevin, ... he wants to be a chef-cook, but cannot afford the study, .. he could if he takes the cheque, ... but then he'd be lying, ... But Kevin knows.
“I need a cup of ultra strong coffee.” He finally replies.
“So, let me get this straight. You want me to walk into your father’s office and ask him for a cheque that is twice the amount he was willing to pay?”
“Wrong, Scotty. You’re not going to ask him. You’re going to tell him… you want a better cheque.”
“I’m not sure I can do that. He’s your father.” Scotty says concerned and Kevin frowns.
“He’s a man like every other. He pisses exactly the same way you do. Nothing special about him. He just manages to convince others that there is something different about him. But trust me, there isn’t.”
“I’m sorry, Kev… I’m scared.” Scotty admits reluctantly. Scotty can see that Kevin is dealing with some major emotions and he’s worried. Whatever it was that happened yesterday, it seems to have thrown Kevin off-balance. He has a hard time controlling his feelings and the changing moods running from deep anger to calculated calm worry him.
Mark would sometimes display these same unstable moments, which had usually ended up with Scotty getting hurt. Though Scotty doubts that Kevin will hurt him, he isn’t feeling too certain of his personal situation either, but he feels confident enough to try and talk to Kevin, something he knew he could not try with Mark.
When Scotty looks up at Kevin, Kevin sees something that he hasn’t seen in a while. Fear. And that recognition sobers him up a bit. What is he doing? If he would order Scotty around like that, then he’d be just as bad as Mark was. The last thing he wants to do is scare Scotty.
“Sorry, Scotty, you’re right. You have every right to say no. I’m sorry that for a moment I acted like the some sort of jerk you just left behind…. I guess, finding out about the cheque ignited all that anger and hurt and disappointment in me.” He stops to swallow away his sadness. “It is however my pain and I should not let you deal with it.”
“Though, I can see now, why you would be afraid of your dad.”
“I’m not, actually. But there’s no reason to antagonize the man either unless it’s really necessary.”
“You’re not afraid of your father?”
“No… Way past that point. When I was 16, I was afraid of him. I was terrified. I respected the ground the man walked on… But, when I came out and we started to fight, I grew less and less interested in the man.
In our silent period, the many years we didn’t talk to each other, I discovered the pettiness of the man. See, mom got involved in a car-accident and we were all summoned to the hospital. First off, he had Justin call me, because he didn’t want to talk to me himself. He didn’t want to be the first one to 'break the silence' that he had imposed.
So, I sat there, 17-years old, listening to my 9-year old brother crying on the phone, because mom was in hospital and dad didn’t want to talk to me. Then dad added insult to injury, when we arrived at the hospital. I was very upset by now and he had something comforting to say to Kitty and Sarah and Tommy and Justin.
Me? It was like I wasn’t even in the room. The stupid thing of it all was, that he could not even see how awful it was on all to my siblings to see me ignored like that. But what hurt me the most was that he had told the doctors that I was not allowed to see my mom, whenever he was there, because it might upset her too much.
I went nearly ballistic when the doctor told me about my dad’s decision. And then my mom threw a fit over it. She had to see me. It was all so awful, but eventually dad left, I talked to mom and she was happy to see me. But as much as I loved my mom, I was done with my dad.
That is when I started to ignore him in return. I didn’t go to the house, unless I was 100% sure he wasn’t there. I ignored his phone-calls, didn’t send him cards for Christmas or for this birthday. If I didn’t exist to him, than he didn’t exist to me.”
“How and when did you mend the fence?”
“I was initially too deeply hurt, but as time passed, I discovered I grew less upset. And finally I laughed about it, because it was all so incredibly petty. I mean, we were both grown up men and he wanted to ‘solve’ his issues with me, by pretending that I didn’t exist? Come on! How immature is that!?
And the way we were behaving was painful to mom and that is one woman I would NEVER want to hurt. So I decided to be the ‘wiser one’ and took the first step. All that really mattered to me in the end, was that I wanted my mom to be happy. And my dad’s shenanigans were nothing but a bad joke.
I guess, I felt that my dad acted like a spoiled brat and I no longer wanted to cater to his tantrums. Looking back, I don’t think either of us really mend anything. We never negotiated a peace, we sort of temporarily pretended that the battle didn’t exist. He never apologized for hurting me… I never apologized to him either.
All the standards are so double. My dad created Ojai and worked very hard to become the accomplished business-man he is now. I respect that in him. I admire that in him. He loves mom like crazy and he’ll defend Kitty, Sarah, Tommy and Justin to his last breath. That is also something I value in him.
However, to me, he was a lousy father. He never encouraged me, not in a positive way. He never told me that he believed I could make as a lawyer. He just told me I was too stupid to be one. And I wanted to prove him wrong and graduated top of my class. So, yes, he was the person to ignite my drive to learn, but not in a positive way.”
“But he has faith in you now? He hired you as a lawyer for Ojai Foods?”
“Because I have a special rate for him, that makes me cheaper than the others. If he could find someone to do the same work at a better price than that of his queer son, he’d throw me out in a heart-beat.”
“Oh, I doubt your family would let that happen.” Scotty gently smiles. He really liked the other Walkers, especially Nora.
“They are a bunch of fakes.” Kevin’s bitterness is so obvious that Scotty frowns.
“What do you mean?”
“Remember how nice and kind they were to us?” Kevin asks and Scotty nods. “All lies. I overheard them talking to each other. You weren’t what they expected. They thought you were too young…. I really thought that they would be happy for me… but that was only to our faces. Behind our backs they had a different story to tell.
And you know that you’re a real loser when the only ones who actually bother to defend you and your boyfriend are your sister-in-law and the your sister’s new Republican boyfriend. Just about the last person you’d expect support from.” He swallows hard, but the tears will not be held back.
Scotty wraps his arms around Kevin, suddenly beginning to see where all Kevin’s anger and hurt are coming from. He feels disappointed as well. He had really liked the Walkers on first sight and he had hoped to find a place in this family. Now he also begins to realize that they don’t want him any more than his own family does. It hurts.
He kisses Kevin’s hair at first, but then slowly proceeds to kiss Kevin’s tears away, before letting his lips rest on Kevin’s. By the time Kevin looks up at him, he hears himself say.
“I want that cheque, but I fear that I might not be strong enough to stand up to your dad.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll prep you.” Kevin answers, bitterness in his voice.
Scotty sits down on the passenger seat and almost immediately Kevin drives off.
“Well?” Kevin asks.
“I can’t believe it! He gave me a cheque for the amount you mentioned.” Scotty replies astounded and Kevin smiles away his nausea.
He is happy for Scotty, because it means that Scotty will have his hands free for his study. But he is bitter for himself. How can his father do that to him? Simply bribe Scotty out of his life? The mere thought that William would prefer to pay such a high amount to get rid of his son’s lover, rather than see his son happy with another man, just makes him sick.
Scotty senses the trouble in Kevin.
“Kevin, I can only imagine how much this must hurt you. If you’d rather want me to take it back? I would love to make your father eat this cheque.”
“No, that won’t be necessary.” Kevin replies in a cold voice and he shakes his head.
“I don’t want to cause any more problems between your dad and you.”
“You haven’t. My father and I have had troubles since the day I came out, 17 years ago, and we may have ‘kept the peace’ these last few years. But by signing that cheque he shows that he is ready to sign a declaration of war on me again, whenever it suits him… and I’m done negotiating as well.”
“Don’t be. It’s not your fault, it’s my dad’s. But …! He is not my first priority. You are.”
And he gives Scotty his most loving smile. “You, my love, are on your way to becoming a chef-cook.” And all Scotty’s worries fade as the high expectations make his face glow.
“Do you have everything?” Kevin asks for the 17th time and Scotty nods.
“Yes. Phone you gave me, laptop you bought me, papers you sorted out for me, suitcase, ... ooh, guess what, I was allowed to pack that one myself.” Scotty laughs, but he lets it follow with a breathless: “… I’m scared, ... but in a good way.”
“Good. Michael will wait for you in New York. He’s a great guy, I worked with him on a immense fraud case last year and we got along very well. When I called for his help in finding you a place to stay, he immediately said you could take the guest-room. He and his wife are looking forward to meeting you.”
“Thank you.” Scotty takes a deep breath and Kevin sees it’s hard for him. “I have to go. I have to get on board the plane.”
“I know.” Kevin says, picking some invicible thread from Scotty’s coat. “It’s just…” The words hang between them. They both fight back their tears.
Then they are in each other’s arms, their long, sweet kiss slightly soured by the fact that it is a goodbye kiss and the knowledge they won’t see each other for a while.
“I miss you already.” Scotty says against Kevin’s lips.
“Don’t. Don’t do that. You’ll get home-sick… Enjoy yourself in New York…” Kevin warns.
Scotty turns away to go to the correct gates, but then he stops and turns back to Kevin. He cups Kevin's face in his hands.
"Kevin, are you sure you want me to do this? I would rather stay with you."
"Scotty, this is your opportunity. Take it. I'll be waiting for you when you come back."
"I love you, Kevin Walker, with all my heart.... I love you and I will come back to be with you."
"You've never said before that you..."
".. but I do. Don't forget that. I love you. Only you." The passionate sincerity in Scotty makes that Kevin nearly tells him to stay.
They hold on to each other as long as possible, but then Scotty has to leave through the doors. He tries to keep an eye on Kevin, but a bend in the corridor takes Kevin out of his sight and he’s on his way to the airplane that will bring him to New York, while Kevin quickly flees to his car.
It’s not until he’s safely behind the wheel of his car that he cries out his pain. His loud sobs stay in the car however, no one will ever hear them or know about them. He hasn’t felt this lonely since the night he came out. It isn’t until the initial tears have been cried and the first wave of immediate pain has subsided, that Kevin feels confident enough to return to his empty loft.
END OF PART 18