Disclaimer: I don’t own anything
Extra: This an AU (Alternative Universe) story, so remember : The more things change, the more they stay the same. Here are part 01, part 02, part 03, part 04, part 05, part 06, part 07 and part 08
END OF AUGUST 2007
For about one hour Kevin tries to catch his sleep. He hasn’t heard Scotty go to bed, in fact he hasn’t heard anything at all. He keeps turning and twisting in his bed. It’s too warm in the room and he’s getting thirsty. Finally he decides to get a glass of water from the bathroom.
But when he passes the door of the living-room he sees Scotty on the couch, his knees against his chest, his arms around his knees. When Kevin approaches him, he looks up. His eyes are all swollen from the tears he cried, there is so much pain on his face and he looks so completely lost, that Kevin freezes on the spot.
“You read it.” Kevin deducts. Scotty nods. Kevin closes his eyes. Chad had told him to tell Scotty about the confession and leave the file with him. Human curiosity would do the rest. Kevin doesn’t know what he expected would happen, but now that he sees Scotty looking so miserable, he wishes he had kept his mouth shut.
“Do you believe him?” Scotty asks. There’s a cynic laughter coming from Kevin.
“He’s your ex…. Do you believe him? Did you really not know?” The moment those words leave his lips, he regrets them, because Scotty seems to make himself even smaller. There’s a sob.
“I’m not a whore.” He denies softly. “I didn’t know… If he tells the truth, then I didn’t know!”
And then he starts to cry uncontrollably and Kevin is on the couch in two seconds, taking Scotty into his arms, holding him tight.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have told you anything.” He pushes Scotty’s head against his chest with one hand and gently rubs Scotty’s back with the other.
He holds Scotty until Scotty calms down, he just keeps soothing Scotty.
“I didn’t know.” Scotty says once again. “Mark…” Scotty swallows hard as if it is hard to even pronounce his name. “Mark said, he loved it to watch me have sex with others… It turned him on, he said…
Said it wasn’t cheating as long as he knew about it and picked out the guys himself.… At first, I didn’t want it…. I believe in monogamy and Mark was the only one I wanted to be with.. but he kept going on and on about it…. Telling me how much it would please him if I did that,… just for him… Just to turn him on…
I caved after several months… I wanted to please him… I wanted him to love me… He now says that he got paid by those men…? I don’t know… We never seemed to have money… It’s why I worked as a temp… Why I gave him my savings… We were a couple… I thought we shared… everything…. Guess he was the only one doing the sharing.”
Scotty sounds so small, so humiliated and so bitter that Kevin’s heart nearly breaks.
“You know what? That makes sense to me… I am more inclined to believe that you didn’t know that he got paid, so those men could have sex with you…”
“I feel so incredibly stupid.” Scotty says quietly.
“You were in love… You wanted to please, to be loved, to be accepted, to be a partner… and he took advantage of your ideas of how a relationship works. You thought he believed in the same thing you did and, clearly, he didn’t. I’m sorry, but I’m finding it harder and harder to believe that he loved you at all.”
“You may be right. When I throw myself into a relationship like this I tend to do it heart, mind, body and soul. And I expect my partner to do the same. I guess I’m terribly naïf.”
“No, you’re not, you’re hopeful, trusting and loving. Don’t lose that, please. You’ll become a bitter, old man like me.” Kevin jokes.
“You’re not bitter or old, and it’s not the same as what happened to me. You’re being alone is your own fault.” Scotty’s tone is almost accusatory.
“You are alone, because you’re just tragically tangled up in your own homophobia.”
“Homophobia?” Kevin is puzzled. “ .. Oh, wow, you really don’t know me.”
“What’s not to know? You chose to be alone and be miserable. You’re family knows you’re gay. You don’t have to pretend differently. I know you’re out at work. You probably to go benefits with lots of other gay men, where you kiss each other on the cheek.
And I’m sure you get lots of phone numbers, but when you get home, more nights than not, you’re alone, ‘cause the one place you don’t feel comfortable and secure is in your own skin… You have everything to make a good life for yourself and have a good man in that life. You’re wealthy, good looking, articulate, educated, you have a great family-background.
The fact is that you’re alone is because you chose to be so. You cannot embrace the idea of being gay. You don’t want to be gay, because you’re still trying to impress your father… I can read you like a comic book, Kevin Walker, two pages at a time.”
Kevin is unpleasantly surprised by Scotty’s sudden harsh words. But not for long.
“Can I tell what your problem is now? … You have a distorted idea of what happiness is. You think that it makes a difference if you have money, status or an important position? Well, then let me ask you something… Do you think it would hurt less to find out that Mark committed fraud if you had owned a catering business, instead of working for one?
Would your getting raped have been less painful, less humiliating if you had a million bucks in the bank? Would you have felt less betrayed if your father was the president of the United States? …” Kevin swallows his pain away. “Do you think I haven’t been there? The bars where the boys are hot and ready for sex?
You know, those nights where you don’t come home and where you wake up in God-knows-who’s bed? The phone numbers written on a piece of paper, you cannot remember getting? The fast blowjobs in the dark? The relationships that didn’t last a week? When you’d be glad to see his ass, cute as it is, walk out the door?
When you came to that point where you call everyone ‘baby’, because then the man you’re having sex with won’t notice that you couldn’t remember his name if your life depended on it. I’ve had more boyfriends and one night stands than you think. I knew I was gay, I accepted it, I enjoyed it.
And then I came home early one morning and realized how empty my house actually was, because I entered a loft where no one cares that I came back or that I was safe and sound. I wanted more… and I went looking for it. And I believed I had found it in Hank. I truly believed in us. In our love. In our future.
We bought a house. We had the freaking white picket fence… We would buy ourselves a dog, … that would be “our” baby… Then one day, I wanted to surprise him. Told him I had to work, but in reality I wanted to pick him at the house, get away for the weekend and enjoy his company… I got home…And I found him with his boy-toy. A kid, barely eighteen at the time.
I felt lied at, degutted, sick. And, yes, he had to buy me out of the house. With that money I could buy this place and, yes, I had enough left on the bank and, yes, I still had a steady job, and, oh God yes, a mother who hovered over me as if she feared I’d jump of a bridge…
But you know, until this day I sleep alone in a cold bed, my heart still feels empty. My job is my life, because it provides me with security. Something I no longer feel about relationships. I don’t want to get hurt like that again. I don’t want to reach another point where I give my love and affection and get it thrown back in my face like some unwanted gift.
I wish I had met someone like you, who was as willing to be as committed to a relationship with me, as you were with Mark. But I didn’t. Now, I’m scared to take another chance and I don’t want that to happen to you. So, please, tell me that you didn’t just compare me to a comic book. I don’t deserve that.”
Scotty remains quiet, staring at the floor. It is not so much Kevin’s words as the tangible pain of them that have struck him deeply.
“But I love comic books.” He eventually says. “I guess, sometimes I’m so busy looking at the pretty pictures, that I forget to read the story behind them…. I’m sorry.”
He looks up at Kevin. He can see the tears in Kevin’s eyes and he realizes that he hurt Kevin.
“I’m so sorry. I guess I needed to lash out…. But that doesn’t give me the right to be so nasty to you. You’re an incredible guy and I hope… that you can find it in you to open up your arms and your heart again. Any guy would be so lucky to have you.
I’m sorry, please, accept my apology. I really never meant to hurt you... Not you.” He places his hand on Kevin’s wrist, a plea in his eyes.
“Come here.” Kevin says, opening his arms and Scotty nestles back against his chest, listening to his heartbeat.
“I’m so sick and tired of this all.” Scotty sounds very lonely.
“I know, this must all seem so hopeless.” Kevin can feel Scotty nod again. His fingers brush through Scotty’s hair. “Just don’t give up. You’ll find a guy who will respect and love you, for just being you. And maybe so will I.”
Scotty relaxes under the soft touch. He presses closer to Kevin, seeking the warmth of his body and his hand.
“Please, believe me, I didn’t know. Don’t turn your back on me, please.” He begs softly.
“Never.” Kevin promises.
He continues to comfort Scotty and Scotty becomes quiet. It takes a few minutes for Kevin to realize that Scotty is asleep. He does not want to wake him up, so he grabs the thin blanket that lies on the couch and wraps it around Scotty and himself and with Scotty still in his arms, he seeks his own sleep.
END OF PART 9