marea67 (marea67) wrote,

fanfic: introspection: William Walker - I'm still watching.

I am still watching
By Marea67
Character(s) involved: William Walker
Rate: G.
Disclaimer: B&S is totally someone else’s idea, I admit. But this little story popped up in my own strange mind. Not written for money, just light entertainment.
Summary: He is watching.
Spoilers: Set after 2.16 – Prior commitments.

Introspection is the mental self-observation reporting of  conscious inner thoughts, desires and sensations. It is a conscious mental and usually purposive process relying on thinking, reasoning, and examining one's own thoughts feelings, and, in more spiritual cases, one's soul.
I am still watching. Sometimes amazed, sometimes saddened, sometimes with joy, sometimes with regret. But most of the time with pride and shame. Pride, because I am proud at what has been accomplished. Shame, for the pain that I have caused to those I loved and still love with all my heart.
I look at Justin and I can finally see the man I hoped he would become. Taking charge, taking responsibility. Trying his hardest to stay away from drugs and alcohol. I was proud of him when he went to Iraq. Kept an eye on him, but there was little I could do to save him from getting hurt…. I am glad that he responded well to the intervention. I am curious as to how this careful start with Rebecca will work out.
Rebecca, poor Rebecca, part of my shame. My relationship with Holly had given Holly the desire that she was mine…. I feared she wasn’t. And my fears were justified. Still,  it hurt to see that beautiful young girl put through the wringer like that. I cannot justify what Holly did. She should have told Rebecca that there was reason to be suspicious. I watched Rebecca and how hard she worked to be integrated in my family… I almost wished she had been mine.
And Holly. My Holly. What are you doing? What makes you think that I wanted you anywhere near my company or my family. You were a woman I loved, because you would take me away from those responsibilities. If I wanted you nearer to me I would have found a way. I cannot understand why, all of a sudden, you are so interested…. You never cared about any of them before. Neither my family, nor my business. You used to pretend they didn’t exist. Now, you managed to lure Tommy away from our family business, only to put him back, at your conditions….
Oh Tommy. I put you in charge in Ojai, together with your sister, because I had faith in you. I chose Sarah because she was the eldest child, not because one was better than the other. I needed to see my company lead by your natural instinct and Sarah’s know-how. It should not have been split up…. I watched with disappointment how you cheated on your wife. I know why you did it, I did it myself, that didn’t make it right. The fact that Julia cheated also, didn’t make her decision right either…. I do however hope that your marriage will succeed, that neither of you will do this again and that you will find strength in each other. Your little girl needs both parents.
And my beloved Sarah, what have you done? I know you were looking for love and fun, but I believed you to be a better business woman than this. You should have trusted your instinct. You knew that it was too much, you knew it was more than we could handle. I am not entirely sure what to do or say. I am glad Joe is gone, though, he hurt you. I am sad to see my grandchildren with him, when they should be with you. For you are amazing, you have strength and you have wisdom. Please use it… And don’t put your faith in Saul again.
Saul, your turning out to be gay was a big shock to me ….. Sure explains why you tried so hard to convince me to be friendlier to Kevin. Oh, I know Kevin doesn’t know about the many arguments we had, as many as the ones I had with Nora. But even that bit of knowledge doesn’t make me understand what possessed you to nearly destroy what we built for so long. You were a master at bookkeeping and quite creative. But this was plain stupid. The chances you took were preposterous. I hope that, somehow the company will survive, to be put into the hands of my grandchildren.
Because, of course, the most beautiful gifts remain Paige, Cooper and Elizabeth. I see Paige grow up to a very pretty girl, who has her mother’s brains and I am proud of her. I look at Cooper and I see the life, joy, fun, carefree behavior that any boy his age should have. I look at Elizabeth and I see a girl who beat some strong odds and whether she’s Tommy’s, Kevin’s or Justin’s is irrelevant. She is a Walker.
And whatever Kitty and Robert will do, IVF, the natural way, or adopt, I will look after that child with as much interest as I do for Paige, Cooper and Lizzie. I had my doubts, because to me Robert seemed as perfect as I was to the outside world… I was sure he would end up hurting Kitty, but I am beginning to hope that Robert will be a better man than I was. Robert’s and Kitty’s love for eachother will help them make it together.
I watch with pride when I look at Kitty. She made a serious decision when she married Robert and I thought she would back away at the first sign of problems, but she turned out so much stronger than I thought. She will do her utmost to make this marriage a success and I look forward to what lies on her path.
Speaking of children. Ryan.  I know what everyone thinks of me. It makes me sad that Sarah and Kevin believe I have become this cheating, lying father.. I guess, I deserve that, with what I’ve done in the past. I hope, once they find out more about Ryan, they will find it in their hearts to love me and know that I loved them…
But I guess, for Kevin that will be a hard thing to do. He sought my understanding, my love, my affection, my approval maybe more than anyone else. He tried so hard and by the time I finally could admit that I was over my initial shock, he  gave up on me.
I watched the ceremony with tears in my eyes. I so wished that I could have been there, that I could have told Kevin how proud I am of him and how blessed he is for having Scotty. For I look at him and Scotty and I see two people working very hard for love, for life, for togetherness and I understand now, maybe more than ever, that you don’t fall in love with someone’s sex, but you just fall in love. Period. No reasons needed. No questions asked.
And speaking of love… Nora, my beautiful Nora, you fill me with shame for what I have done.
Your strength, your weakness, your love, your hate, your dedication, your contempt, your affection, your forgiveness, your anger, your tenderness… I have seen all of them pass me by. Your are so human, why have I never told you what an amazing woman you are and what a  great job you’re doing? How can you believe that you were not enough? My true love, Nora. I was such a fool. You should have been everything I ever needed.
But now? Now, it is too late to say… I’m sorry…..
Tags: character - william, series - introspection

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