Disclaimer: Brothers & Sisters is not mine, I know. Stop rubbing it in.
A new movie, another opportunity to play a good character. It’s a drama and it worries him. He read the script twice now, and it’s an amazing character to play, but he’s worried he’s not good enough to play the part. Can he truly relate to a man in the 1950s, who is outed and because of the ruling homophobia loses everything to the point where he feels the need to end his life?
How can he relate? His biggest worry was his homosexuality, but when he came out he didn’t encounter the public outrage he feared. Most of the people around him already “guessed”. He’s busier than ever and even the sort of roles offered has changed considerably. He used to get scripts where he was the handsome male lead, ready to sweep the female lead of her feet.
Now, he gets more dramatic parts, as if his being gay adds depth to his own character. Certain critics are not so critical anymore. He’s been promoted from “pretty face” to “actor”, which in a way makes him laugh. He’s still the same old Chad he ever was. And, to himself, it seems his acting-skills have not improved. He still doesn't think highly of them himself.
But truth be told, he is no longer feeling hunted either. He can date who he wants, he can be who he wishes to be. It’s all very liberating and maybe that has affected his acting. He is more casual and laid-back these days. He used to want to please everybody, but not anymore. Now he only wants to please those who deserve it, in his eyes.
He thoroughly reads his contract before him and he smiles. Kevin taught him how to do that. To look for what was important and how to interpret the fine prints. He had always depended on his manager to tell him what to sign, but not anymore. He does these things for himself now. He grins. His manager is not happy with him at the moment because he asks so many questions.
He sometimes feels that this last year and half he grew up and became a man. And he has to admit that lately he thinks about Kevin again. He wonders how Kevin is doing. Especially since, a few nights ago, he had caught Kevin’s face on tv, reporting about Robert McCallister's time in the hospital. He longs to talk to Kevin.
Maybe he should call Kevin. Just like that, pick up the phone and call him. But since their break up he has not dared to do so. A part of him wishes that Kevin has all the happiness in the world, a part of him dreads the idea that Kevin is happy without him, or worse, he has forgotten Chad, because Chad was just not an important factor in his life.
He picks up his phone, Kevin’s number is still in his address-list... and, who is he kidding?... it’s etched in his memory. His thumb hovers over the “dial” button, but he changes his mind. His boldest decision tonight will be to accept the part and figure out a way to add depth to that character. All other things will have to wait.