Disclaimer: Brothers & Sisters is not mine, I know. Stop rubbing it in.
The cry hadn’t even started or Kitty was wide awake. She slips out of bed, a quick look at Robert, but he has not woken up by Evan’s call for food. She picks up Evan and moves to the kitchen. She doesn’t turn on any of the big lights, just the softer ones. The bottle is quickly made, she’s getting the hang of it now.
And in the living-room she watches as Evan eagerly drinks his milk. She’s tired and wishes she could get to back to bed, but Evan is not in a hurry. He looks at her with big brown eyes as if he’s amazed to see her and Kitty feels overwhelmed by the tenderness that floods through her and she feels as if she can cry with joy.
But then her joy is tempered as she thinks of Robert and his insistence to go back to working hard, even though he just had a heart-attack. He should not be campaigning, not yet at least. He should wait, regain some strength, but in spite of her urgent requests, he keeps his plan of becoming a Governor on the table.
Of course she could have known about that. He was an ambitious man, she knew that when she married him, but now... She no longer sure she can support him. Not just on the becoming a Governor. She feels that something went wrong between them and she cannot fix it, not on her own anyway and she doubts that she will get the support she needs from Robert.
And it’s so hard, because sometimes she looks at Robert and she loves him so much. She knows she still does. Sometimes her stomach still flutters she sees him smile at her. It’s not that she dislikes or hates him... it’s just that she doesn’t want his ambition and his career right now. She wants a temporary calm period where they can enjoy their new son.
A time to catch their breath and process what has happened this last year. To find a way towards each other again, instead of drifting further apart. Unfortunately Robert continues to run against the tide and she’s scared. Scared to lose him. Not just their relationship, but that he will have an another attack and not survive this time.
And what will she do without him? Can she go on without him? And just as she spirals down towards some deep dark thoughts about Robert’s death, Evan makes a noise, she smiles, picks him up, waits for the burp and holds him close until he’s asleep again and she puts him in his bed. She crawls back between the sheets after a long look at a peacefully sleeping Robert.
She wraps her arm around him, but in his sleep he turns to his other side, his back turned to Kitty. Logically she knows it doesn’t mean anything. He’s asleep. He doesn’t realize she’s there, but she feels rejected anyway. So she turns to her other side. Her back at Robert. She wraps her arms around herself and doesn’t stop the tears that she refused to cry before.