The door closes behind Scotty and he turns to Kevin. Caressing Kevin’s cheek with the back of his hand, he asks in a low voice:
“Round two?” Kevin can only nod, as Scotty moves his head closer to Kevin’s, Kevin’s lips part, receiving Scotty’s mouth with pleasure. He wraps his arms around Scotty’s neck as Scotty draws him closer to his body. Hungrily Kevin gives in to those soft lips that are covering his.
He makes a little needy sound and Scotty replies by pushing him backward and pinning Kevin against the door. He hardly gives Kevin room to move. But it doesn’t matter, because Kevin’s hands slip under Scotty’s t-shirt and caress their way down his back, making Scotty move even more sensually against Kevin. When his hands move back up they take Scotty’s t-shirt with them and Kevin drops it on the floor.
He can hear Scotty breathing heavily already. Scotty’s hands slides along his back, feeling the muscles move underneath them. Kevin enjoys the strong fingers that leave hot traces over his body. He wants more, much more than this. Scotty moans when Kevin kisses his shoulder and with a voice heavy with desire he can only mumble:
“… bed?” Kevin nods. That seems to be a good idea.
Kevin pushes Scotty in the direction of the bed. Scotty sits down. His fingers unbutton Kevin’s shirt. He is presses his lips on every patch of naked skin that each button reveals. Kevin, still standing, runs his fingers through Scotty’s hair, encouraging him to go on. Scotty’s hand grabs the belt-buckle. He hears Kevin hold his breath and he looks up, no idea that this quick, almost coy, look turns Kevin on even more. They smile at each other.
Scotty finally kisses the skin just above the buckle and while his hands undo the belt, his fingers, quite.. accidentally, come in to touch with the bulge in Kevin’s jeans that betray how aroused he is. There is nothing more but a little squeak and Scotty cannot help but laugh, but by the time Kevin’s cock get released from it’s confinement Scotty’s smile disappears. God, he had almost forgotten how much he loved to turn Kevin on like this.
Scotty wraps his arms around Kevin’s waist and slowly directs him unto the bed. It doesn’t take long until both of them are naked. Scotty is between Kevin’s legs, his lips moving further down from Kevin’s navel to the base of his hard cock, he is licking his way up to the tip and after some, rather inarticulate encouragement from Kevin, he carefully takes it into his mouth.
Kevin starts to move into that warm mouth. He feels like he couldn’t possibly get any harder, but Scotty’s lips prove him wrong. His fingers entangle in Scotty’s hair pushing his head down. He tries not to come. Scotty realizes that Kevin is close and withdraws, smiling at Kevin’s unappreciative moaning. He slowly moves his way back up to Kevin’s mouth.
Eventually he takes his weight off Kevin’s body and he is on hands and knees over Kevin. Looking down he sees Kevin, eagerly awaiting Scotty’s next move. Scotty cannot remember Kevin ever looking more sinful.
“I want you.” He says almost out of breath. “I want to be inside of you. I want you so much.”
“What is stopping you from taking me, Scotty?” Kevin asks, as he looks up at Scotty with infinite tenderness, than he whispers to Scotty:
“Make love to me.” Scotty holds his breath, Kevin is so beautiful, when he continues: “Please, make love to me, like it is the first time. Like there has never been anyone else and there will never be another again.”
Scotty has to close his eyes, for the longing in Kevin is something that touches the very heart of him. His lips caress Kevin’s but he doesn’t kiss him immediately, he rubs his nose against Kevin’s, creating a smile on Kevin’s face. Scotty’s smile is even bigger for a moment, but then his lips come in touch with Kevin’s, slowly deepening the kiss even more.
Kevin moans and Scotty can feel Kevin’s hands slide down his back, pressing Scotty closer to his own body. God, Kevin is so ready for this, Scotty realizes. He starts to prepare Kevin and in no time Kevin is moving towards Scotty’s fingers until he can’t wait anymore:
“Please, Scotty, please, I want you.” He whispers. “Take me.” But when Scotty reaches for the condoms, Kevin takes his wrist: “Do we need them? Between us?”
“I have never done it without.” Scotty replies, taken a bit by surprise.
“Neither have I,” Kevin says, “but I trust you… with my life… literally…..” Scotty swallows at the enormous responsibility that has suddenly been given to him…. But they are married, to remain faithful, to have respect for each other… and trust.
“Are you sure?” he asks. Kevin nods.
A little later, Kevin grabs the sheets underneath him. Scotty moves slowly, with a steady rhythm, Kevin begs for more, but Scotty is not giving in to the man he loves. And Kevin looks up at him. His body feels as if it is on fire. His skin sensitive to every little touch and caress. His body aches for satisfaction.
He closes his eyes, concentrating on feeling Scotty move. His breathing becomes superficial. He is responding to Scotty. Everything else gets locked out. There is only the feeling of the pressure inside him, the fingertips on his skin, the sound of heavy breathing, his and Scotty’s, there is a whispered ‘please’, but he is not sure if it him or Scotty, his throat is dry.
Inside him some tidal wave gets unleashed. Because Scotty keeps up his own steady thrusting, Kevin only goes slowly over the edge. He pushes up his body against Scotty, urging him to move faster, he can hear Scotty gasp and then he feels Scotty complying with his demand. It takes his breath away and, then, nothing else remains but the free fall.
There is a small thumping sound, but neither of them notice. On the floor is the package of condoms, unopened.
It’s 2 o’clock in the morning when Scotty wakes up from an unpleasant dream. All this talk about past lovers made him have nightmares. Kevin sleeps peacefully and he doesn’t want to wake him. He slowly leaves their bed, puts one of the smaller blankets around his shoulders and carefully, without making a sound, he opens the door to the balcony.
He takes one of the pillows from the chairs and puts it on the floor. Sitting on it he can look at the ocean. He can hear the sea murmur and he likes it. It is soothing, calming his nerves. There is a full moon spreading it's white light and Scotty feels blessed by it, because it gives the opportunity to see around him.
He finally takes his time to get his head around what Kevin had told him. The story of Hank had shocked him. He realized now that no one had ever known how close Kevin had been to a commitment, how deeply he had been betrayed and how enormous his pain had been.
He sighs and realizes that there many things he doesn’t know about Kevin either. But then, does Kevin know him? Kevin only knows what Scotty told about himself and there is talking and talking.
Kevin told him about Chad, but not about what he felt when Chad and he broke up. He told Scotty about sneaking into a movie-theater with Chad, so that they wouldn’t be seen by his fans. He never mentioned with one word the experience of having to go back into the closest and be secretive about himself.
Scotty had seen Kevin suffer through those lonely nights when Jason didn’t call. He had listened to Kevin as he told him about his first date with Jason, that, in Walker-style, went completely wrong. Kevin joked about it, but Scotty knew now that Kevin hadn’t talked about his fear at failing at yet another relationship, his fear of making yet another mistake. There are things that you tell, without talking about it.
“Hey, what are you doing here?” he heard Kevin’s voice. A bit groggy from the sleep, he stood in the doorway. “It’s cold. Come back to bed.”
“I’m sorry, love, I just couldn’t sleep. Bad dreams.” Scotty apologizes.
“Wanna talk about it?” Kevin shivers. Scotty smiles, spreads his arms and legs a bit and Kevin snuggles up to him. Sitting pressed up against Scotty, warming up by the blanket around Scotty, Kevin lets his hand trace Scotty’s arm for a moment before looking up and remind him: “Talk?”
“What do you want me to tell you?” Scotty asks.
“What is bothering you. What caused the nightmare. Why you are sitting here all alone, looking sad instead of waking me up for round 3 in our lovemaking.” Kevin tries to joke, Scotty smiles, but the smile doesn’t reach his eyes.
“I guess that your talking about Hank, made me think of someone…”
“Should I be jealous?” Kevin wonders. Scotty laughs, but it is not his usual pleasant laughter, it is more harsh and cynical.
“Don’t worry. He is OUT of my life. Permanently. Forever.”
“No love lost there, huh?”
“No. None at all. He nearly destroyed me.” Scotty’s voice sounds strange, strangled, and Kevin feels this shock run through him. Sure, he knows that Scotty’s past has it’s secrets, so does his. But he also knows that there are things left unspoken for a reason.
His own shame was a reason not to talk about Hank. God only knows what Scotty had to hide. He thinks twice, but then gently says:
“If you want to talk about it….. I feel better for having told you about Hank… Maybe it could feel the same for you?” He wishes, he was better in this, less clumsy in his approach.
“Maybe...” He takes a deep breath. “I don’t know where to start…”
“Somewhere….Anywhere…. We can move back and forth and if I have a question I will ask.”
Scotty wraps his arms and his blanket more tightly around Kevin, as if Kevin were the buoy to hang to, that would prevent him from drowning. Scotty’s voice is hushed as he starts to talk:
“I knew for a while that I was gay…. No denying it. The boys in school laughed at me, the girls avoided me a bit, I didn’t really fit in. I did good in school, but I felt like such a outsider on so many other levels. I didn’t want to be gay. I fought it all the way. I kept hoping it would go away. But eventually I could no longer deny it and I told my parents. My father was disappointed. He had hoped that I would get married and be happy and provide the heirs to our family, but when that became unlikely….. He said he loved me anyways and he would go on doing just that.…
… my mom was so angry with me. She didn’t talk to me for weeks. She cried all the time, wondering what she had done wrong, why she was being punished, and she kept praying that I would be ‘healed’ and become straight…. Talk about not being able to meet your parents’ expectations, huh?” his smile was sad.
“I wasn’t good at this dating-thing. I was so shy…. How do you meet boys? How do you talk to them? God, how do you get them to go further than just talking…? I was terribly inexperienced and there was no indication that that would change. Then, just before my 18th birthday, at a party, I met someone. Quite accidentally… His name was Mark. He was 10 years older than me. A real estate agent. Don’t laugh.” He warns as he a disbelieving grin come to Kevin’s face. Kevin shakes his head and Scotty continues: “My best friend was too drunk to drive me back and Mark, who was still sober, offered to drive me home.
I got into the car and halfway he suddenly asked me if I was gay and when I said yes, he told me that he was happy to hear that, because, he was very interested in me, but that he wasn’t sure how I felt and…. To cut a long story short, he and I became lovers…. I couldn’t believe my luck.
Mark had money and status, he was sexy and was accomplished. He taught me what I needed to know about sex…. No, let me re-phrase that… He taught me what HE felt I needed to know….”
Kevin, as a lawyer, recognizes the different meaning those 2 sentences have. Concerned he looks at Scotty. Scotty’s mind is far away. There is something in his features that Kevin cannot identify.
“I didn’t realize it, but when he came into my life, my life started to change. My grades started to slip, because I spent more time with him than with my books. The few friends I did have, I lost track off, because I was with Mark all the time and he introduced me to new, older people and somehow I felt so much more mature than my friends, so I alienated myself from them with my arrogant attitude, that I used to cover up how insecure I was.
My parents didn’t approve of Mark. My mother raised hell over it and my father begged me to look at what I was doing, but I so in love with Mark…. Besides which 18-year old listens to his parents, right? My mother, frustrated with me, eventually threw me out…. She didn’t want anyone to think she was condoning any physical relationship between Mark and me under her roof…. As if!!
Mark told me to move in with him. And I did. I felt so smart, so mature. Mark fueled that by telling me how much he admired me. And for nearly two years I lived with him. He had me totally under his control. He had money. I didn’t really have to work. My ‘job’ at a local catering-company was a joke. He made more money in three days than me in a month. He would laugh about it and call it my ‘hobby’, but he always said that he ‘respected’ that I tried to make my own money. I could keep the money I earned, it was such peanuts to him, that he wouldn’t miss it anyway.
Then a slow shift came. Thing were wrong about me. He felt I should make some differences, like a different hair-color, different clothes. I was so in love with him, I wanted to please him and ….. I changed. He talked me into quitting my job, so that I would no longer have my own income. He wanted me to be home more, to be there when he needed me… and I just let him….” Scotty’s voice is bitter. Under the blanket, Kevin reaches out to him.
“Go on, love, what happened next? How long did you stay? When did you start to notice that it wasn’t right.”
“The first time he hit me.”
“The whahh…?” Kevin sits up straight and shifts a bit to be able to look at Scotty. But Scotty raises his hands.
“Please, Kev, there’s nothing you can say, that I haven’t told myself for the last 7 years. So please, …”
“No worries, I am not judging, but please go on.”
“I don’t think he really meant to hit to me. Not the first time….” Kevin makes a sound, but refrains from further comments, “Seriously, Kev, with everything I know now, I still cannot swear 100% that it wasn’t an accident. We were arguing, he turned around, his arm stretched out. I just walked into his direction…. I don’t know…. Wrong time, wrong place. Anyway, he went out of his way to apologize. He was nearly in tears and I…. I let it go.
The second time, I was sure it was on purpose, I don’t want to go into details. We had a difference of opinion and when he realized he was about to lose the argument, he hit me. I was shocked and hurt, not so much physically, but emotionally… In the days that followed, he apologized over and over again, he swore to me it would never happen again… So, I forgave him.
Then…About two months later… we … we were at a party of one of his friends. All the people there were at least 10 years older than me. I was 21 and at a party where I was bored to death. Everyone feeling so important, you know the setting..” Kevin nods. “A friend of Mark’s came in with his son. A young man I recognized from school. He remembered me too. We started to talk, we discussed our teachers, he told me he has a girlfriend, with whom he wanted to marry. Smalltalk. Nothing important.
I see Mark looking at me, but think nothing of it and I smile at him. I can see he’s drinking too much. Around 10 we leave and Mark is angry and I don’t know why. Barely in the car he starts to yell at me about ‘flirting’ with that boy, every time I try to tell him that he is wrong, he gets angrier and by the time we get home, he is really furious. I don’t want to fight anymore, so I immediately go upstairs to the bedroom.
He follows me and we fight some more and then … he s-s-starts to hit me… .” So far Scotty has been speaking fast, rattling on, but he now nearly chokes on his words. “Over and over,…he tells me all s-s-sort of things. How I can bought and how cheap I am to him. How worthless I am. To him. To my parents. To my friends. That no one would like me, if it weren’t for him….. And that I deserve the treatment I am getting from him.” Scotty’s voice trails off. Kevin takes him in his arms and holds him tight, softly kissing Scotty’s hair.
For a moment Scotty clings to Kevin. He is trembling and all Kevin can do is hold him and offer a shoulder to cry on. But Scotty doesn't want to cry, he just needs to know that Kevin is there. Eventually Scotty breaks free from the embrace. He clears his throat. His voice sounds stronger again. More distant.
“The next morning, when I came downstairs, he had made me breakfast. And coffee. He talked about how it would be a warm day. That he had to go to work. And my, I looked a little pale. Why wouldn’t I get some aspirins and go back to bed and sleep off… whatever was bothering me…” Kevin’s arms tighten around Scotty.
There is short cynic laughter from Scotty and he continues:
“I hear myself say, ‘sure, whatever you want’, I can see him smile at how docile I am… He tells me I am ‘a good boy’ and ‘we will talk some more tonight….’ I am sick to my stomach… Then he kisses me and he leaves for work… As if nothing has happened between us the night before…”
“What … did you do?” Kevin hesitates to ask.
“I took some painkillers, went upstairs to the bedroom, packed my bags and took everything that belonged to me and I could find, which thanks God, wasn’t much. I threw everything in my car. Went from room to room to see if I hadn’t missed anything, the phone rang, I picked up, Mark asked me how I was doing, I said I was asleep, that I had taken aspirin as he had to told me, he said he would be home around six, I said I wasn’t sure if I could make some dinner, he said he would bring pizza, I said that was a good idea and he said that I should go back to sleep and that he loved me. I said I loved him too. He hang up, I hang up and that was the last time I spoke to him.”
“Wow, that was really… calculated?”
“Not really. I was on automatic pilot. My pain was numbed, my brains functioned at emergency level. I knew I had to get out of there, I knew I shouldn’t leave anything behind. Luckily I was rather organized and I knew where everything was in the house…. Around two in the afternoon, I put my key on the table, I got in my Ranchero and drove away. Took money from the bank and I left for my parents’ house.
But once I was there, I couldn’t bring myself to leave my car and knock on their door. I didn’t want my father to look at me with pity. And I definitely did not need my mother to tell me that she had been right all along. I felt so humiliated by everything, I didn’t want them to see my bruises. I was so afraid about being turned down if I asked for help….
So I wrote a little note, that I had left Mark, that I wanted my freedom, that I had money and food and that I would contact them one of those days…. I was nearly 22 years old, I didn’t need anyone or anything…. Or so I believed… I no longer had a home with Mark and I could not go ‘home’ to my parents either. I was on my own...”
They stay silent for a few moments, then Kevin says:
“You did the right thing. Getting out, I mean. You are right. He would have destroyed you.”
“I was so ashamed… God, I never thought it would happen to me. I should have left the first time, but …”
“I see and hear it often, Scotty, how someone slowly gets sucked into such a destructive relationship.. There is nothing to be ashamed of. You loved him, you wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and he ended up hurting you terribly.”
Kevin sounds reasonable, his voice is soothing and Scotty realizes how good it feels to have those strong arms around him. He feels protected and sheltered. Safe. His mouth automatically searches for Kevin’s. Their kisses are short and sweet and numerous.
Suddenly Scotty smiles against Kevin’s lips.
“Can we go back inside? It’s getting a bit chilly.”
Once under the blankets, Scotty slips back into Kevin’s arms. Kevin’s fingertips trace some invisible lines on his back and Scotty enjoys the gentle touch. He kisses Kevin shoulder, while Kevin’s hands slide along Scotty’s side. Scotty shifts a bit so that he is on his back and Kevin is half on him. Their kisses become languid, neither of them wanting to release the other.
And when they eventually do, Scotty looks up at Kevin with love… and affection.
“You mean everything to me.” Kevin is surprised by the passion in Scotty’s words.
“Oh, how convenient.”
“I happen to feel the same way about you. You are my world.”
“Aww, You are really good for words tonight.” Scotty teases tenderly. Kevin grins.
“I am lawyer. I have to be.”
And before Scotty can say anything else, he kisses him. Scotty allows the kiss for a few seconds, then pushes Kevin’s mouth away.
“Kev, I’m not really in the mood after all these memories of Mark.”
“That’s alright.” Kevin replies, gently stroking Scotty chest, before dropping lots of tiny small kisses on his chest. Scotty can’t help but laugh at those little popping sounds.
“Kev. I’m not rrrr….heeally not in the mood.”
”Oh, but I’m not doing anything. See, hands above the sheets. Do you want me stop kissing you?”
Kevin asks innocently, while letting his lips caress Scotty stomach. Scotty makes a hissing sound, bites his lip and with a wavering voice he replies:
“I am not sure….”
“Mhmm, you know, I don’t mean to criticize you, honey, but for someone who’s….” He’s kissing Scotty’s stomach. “… so adamant about not being in the mood….” His lips are moving further down and Scotty moans. “…. You are responding in a very contradictory way….’’ His fingers caressing Scotty’s cock. “… that is too hard to ignore.” Scotty nearly bucks off the bed as Kevin’s mouth takes him in…. and releases him with a smile.. “Your are sure giving off mixed signals, here…. As a lawyer I must remind you that…..”
“Kevin, can you please put that mouth to better use…?” Scotty begs.
“Are you sure? I mean, I wouldn’t want to….”
“Kev!!! …. Shut up!!....”
END OF PART FIVE