It will be alright, I promise.
Pairing: Kevin and Scotty
Summary: what happened after the ‘mistake-sex’ conversation in 2.08.
Disclaimer: Don’t own the Walker or the Wandell.
“…It’s like, what we had, he has put into this compartment and now he’s gone back to his first love, which is God or the church or something, I don’t know, but it’s certainly not me” Kevin’s voice sounds hurt.
“You don’t know that. When people are far away they…” Scotty tries to offer some comfort.
“Look, I know how I feel. So just let me feel that way. It hurts.” Scotty gets up, sits next to Kevin and places a hand on his shoulder.
“It will be alright. I promise.”
“I’m not so sure.”
Kevin lifts his head up a bit, looking at Scotty. He looks so defeated, that Scotty doesn’t know what to do. But Kevin gently pushes his hand away, he gets up and leaves for the bedroom. For one moment Scotty hesitates, then he follows Kevin.
“Kevin? Are you alright? Do you want me to stay with you?”
“No. Please, go to the gym. Just leave me alone.” He can see Kevin swallow hard.
“If you need me….”
“I’ll be fine. Just go.” Kevin’s voice trembles a bit and Scotty turns to leave.
It is not until he hears the door open and close and click into the lock, that Kevin starts to cry. At first slowly, but then he sinks on the bed and really cries. The sound is barely muffled by his pillow. His entire body is shaking. He hasn’t felt this miserable since… He cannot remember when.
He feels a hand on his back. Somehow he is not even surprised it is there. Without a word he throws himself in Scotty’s arms and his crying becomes even more uncontrollable. Scotty doesn’t say anything, he just holds him close. Lets him cry all those bottled up tears. Those he didn’t cry, when his father died, the ones he was too proud to show, when Scotty left him. The ones he nearly choked on, when he was frustrated with Chad. The ones that stung his eyes, but refused to come when he lost Scotty again. The ones he held back, when Chad broke up with him and now those for Jason….
Sobbing against Scotty’s chest he stammers:
“Why, Scotty? I did everything… he w-w-wanted… He wanted me… to s-s-s-say that I loved him…. and I d-d-did. He wanted me…. to w-w-wait and I waited….and waited. He wanted me c-c-call h-h-him and I did that too. What am I doing wrong? Why is this my f-f-fault?”
“I don’t know, baby.”
“All I w-w-wanted was, that h-h-he loved me too.”
“I’m sure he does. How could he not love you, Kev?”
“What am I doing wrong, Scotty? Why can’t I make it work?” Scotty cannot answer the question. All he can do is hold Kevin even tighter and wish he would never have to let him go again. Just let him be safe in Scotty’s arms.
He presses his lips to Kevin’s forehead and murmurs some soothing little words, as if he is trying to calm down a child.
“He’ll call you, I promise.” And Scotty hopes it will be soon, because he is really worried about Kevin. This man here, sobbing in his arms, is not the Kevin he knows and he doesn’t know what to do about it. He doesn’t know how to help Kevin, how to comfort him. He had tried to be a good friend, but his plan to cheer Kevin up completely backfired to a point where he had actually slept with Kevin, which had NOT been part of the plan.
Scotty can feel his shirt become all wet from Kevin’s tears. Not that he minds. Somehow he is honored that Kevin reveals this ‘broken’ side of himself. Scotty knows how closed up he can be. How impossible it is to reach the core of Kevin, because it is so very well protected with bolts and chains, locks to which the keys are lost and a wall of reinforced concrete.
Slowly Kevin calms down. He is in Scotty’s arms, silently. For a little while Scotty tries to hold on, but the position becomes too uncomfortable on his back.
“Ssssh, I can your heart beat. It is so peaceful.” Kevin says, almost reverently.
“Yes. To hear that my heart is still beating is very peaceful for me, too.” Scotty answers dryly. He can feel Kevin shake under his hands and for a moment he is worried, until he understands that Kevin is laughing. He smiles.
“Feeling better?” he asks carefully. Kevin looks up at him. His eyes red and swollen, but his smile reaches them and makes them sparkle, when he replies:
“Yes, I feel a lot better.”
He sits up, without completely leaving Scotty’s arms, but taking the weight a bit off Scotty, who straightens his back with a look of pain.
“Thank you.” Kevin says quietly.
“’s Alright.” is all Scotty could reply.
“I thought you left.”
“I almost did. But I was worried about you.” Kevin nods. He lets his hand slide up along Scotty’s arm. Caressing him gently.
“I like being in your arms like this.” He confesses with a shy face.
“I like holding you like this.” Kevin looks up when Scotty says those words, as they are spoken with such tenderness.
He reaches out. His hand touching Scotty’s face.
“Scotty…” he says softly. Scotty can’t help but tremble under his touch. He swallows hard as he gently grabs Kevin’s wrist and shakes his head. Kevin nods in understanding, but when their eyes meet the world stops turning, as usual. He can see desire burning in Kevin’s eyes. He recognizes the signs that Kevin wants him. Scotty holds his breath as Kevin brings his face closer to Scotty’s. Kevin closes his eyes for the kiss and doesn’t see how Scotty tries to say “don’t”, but before Scotty can put a voice to his words, Kevin’s lips are on his and whatever Scotty planned to say, just drowns in the passion that he feels surge through him.
He makes a little noise, he places his hands on Kevin’s chest to push him away, but his hands seem to have a mind of their own and, caressing Kevin’s strong shoulders, they move up to Kevin’s neck to pull him even closer. He knows he should stop now, but his legs spread themselves a bit, on their own accord, to give Kevin a chance to move between them and this is the point where he realizes, he should get away from Kevin, but his back just wants to lower itself unto the bed, to feel Kevin’s heavy weight cover his body and set him on fire.
Kevin’s hands move along his sides and Scotty automatically arches his body closer to Kevin’s. He knows the rhythm of Kevin’s love-making so well that, like a well rehearsed dance, he immediately falls into the right step. Scotty stops thinking, just lets Kevin lead him to where Kevin wants to take him. Right into 7th heaven.
7th Heaven is not so much the problem, it’s the crashing back down on planet Earth that hurts, Scotty figures. It’s late at night and after they were both satisfied, Kevin fell asleep, physically tired of the sexual release, emotionally exhausted from all the lonely weeks. He’s on his back with Kevin sleeping on his arm. He can’t make a move without waking Kevin. And what he wants is for Kevin to sleep, to hear Kevin breath evenly against his shoulder, to smell the scent that is Kevin’s alone, to just feel Kevin pressed up against him, so close as if he would crawl inside Scotty, if he could.
What he doesn’t want is to hear another round of apologies, to see the confusion in Kevin’s eyes, to be the witness to yet another guilt-trip that Kevin will put on himself, blaming himself and not Scotty for what happened tonight. Above all, Scotty doesn’t want to know that what happened between them was meaningless, to remember that Kevin is in love with Jason and that their second little sex-romp is not going to change that.
But a nauseating feeling starts in his stomach. He swallows down the hurt inside him. He is not stupid. The tears are burning in his eyes and slowly they slide towards the pillow. He DID allow Kevin to use him again. And why? Because he loves Kevin. From the day he walked into Kevin’s office for that Mangopian case and every day since then, but he also knows their love has no future. Kevin is in love with someone else and will never chose Scotty over Jason. Kevin will also never commit to a relationship with him.
He knows he has to leave on his own terms, because that is the only way he can keep his dignity in all this. And he has to leave soon, before his feelings for Kevin become so strong that he can’t leave.
Tomorrow morning he will call his friends, see if someone can help him. Scotty wipes away his tears. And with a head filled with sad thoughts, he falls asleep.