Log in

No account? Create an account
welcome to my fantasies
fanfic: It must be him (part 2) 
25th-Feb-2008 11:06 pm

It Must Be Him (Part 2)


By Marea67

About: Kevin/Jason, Jason/Scotty, Scotty/Kevin.  (+Walkers + McCallisters)

Rating: G

Disclaimer: They are not mine.
Warnings: None

Summary: Because Kevin ‘died’ too many times. Time to talk.

Extra note: It was seeing Kevin’s pain, when that one song began to haunt me. Listen to it. Because I think it must have been what Kevin went through on a daily basis, waiting for Jason’s phonecall.

I used the Timi Yuro version, because I found it more ‘raw’ than any other versions, who were too well styled to my taste.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skhaf3bZWlg The lyrics are at the end of the story.



“Kevin, will you please listen to me? Without remarks? Just listen?” Kevin rolled his eyes but with a wave of his hand indicated Jason to continue: “It was very hard to be there. Everything is different there. The main religion was the Islam and I felt very isolated. The authorities made it very difficult to practice our religion. There were threats. The school was burned down twice before. I could not be open about my being gay. I had been informed to not even display a picture of you, to not create any situations where questions could be raised.


We tried to  work as much as we could, but the heat was awful and I was often sick of the food and the water. It wasn’t safe to go out, so we mostly stayed on the missionary post. I tried to read and work as much as I could to distract me, but I started to think more and more about you and about returning to America. The walls were coming at me. And I got really depressed, wondering if it was worth all my troubles. I started to doubt my calling.


So I prayed and prayed and asked God to show me what I should do… It was an exercise in controlling my feelings of lust for you and reminding myself that God gave me a job to do. But I wanted to be with you and no longer be in Malaysia and it got so difficult. I’ve fought the images I had in my mind of you, all those weeks. And I finally said to myself, that without an answer from God, I could no longer continue.


That day, during prayer, I felt the urge to call you and I did. And you told me you wanted to break up with me, that you had met Scotty again, slept with him and, in all fairness, no longer saw how you could maintain a relationship with me… My whole world fell to pieces, Kevin. I didn’t know what to do. I just couldn’t believe it. Could not understand. How you could forsake me like that…”

“How could I…..? …. You are so not serious about this?!” Kevin said in disbelieve.


Not paying attention to Kevin Jason continued:

“At first I didn’t get it. I just couldn’t understand that you could be so cruel. It all felt like a bad dream and I would wake up at any minute…. But then you stopped leaving messages… You know, every day, the first thing I did, was listen to your messages. Just to hear your voice… And then they stopped…. And came the silence….” Jason swallowed hard to control his tears.


Kevin nodded and with a face full of anger and pain he said:

“It hurts, doesn’t it?” he held Jason’s gaze for a moment and then Jason could only nod, unable to say another word, knowing that ONE more word would break the fragile line of self-control, however he had to go on:

“You promised me you’d wait for me…”


“And I did….I waited. I’ve waited for your phone call. Night after night. Day in, day out. For weeks! Do you have any idea what it did to me? Every time the phone rang… I hoped it would be you… I hoped and I prayed. Please let it be him! Let it be him calling me!... And it would be someone else and I would see all my hope shattered. Again. And again! And again!!

And every time the phone rang and it wasn’t you, I lost a little faith, a little hope, a little care. A little bit of my love died with every silent hour.  Until, after several very lonely and quiet weeks, everything was chipped away and there was nothing left, but the cold truth: Jason is not going to call. Whatever we once had, is gone. Dead and buried. Dealt with.


We were both so lonely, I’ve missed you so much,  and I desperately tried to reach you. But in your hour of need you spoke to God, you talked with your brother, but not with me. I was obviously not your equal partner in this, not in your eyes. I’m sorry. I apologize for not being the person, you believed, you could share your heartache with. But, now, I also know, that I’ve made the right decision in breaking up with you.  I kept my promise to you as long as I could,  but I was trying to have a relationship on my own. And that doesn’t work, Jason. Trust me, it doesn’t. You were right, we had a few wonderful months. I will cherish the good moments, like I cherish my good moments with Chad and Hank.


And I’m grateful to you. If you hadn’t put me through hell these last few months, I would not have been able to fully appreciate the heaven Scotty is offering. It will not be perfect between us, but at least we will go through our issues together and deal with them as partners.” Kevin’s eyes were filling with tears and his voice trembled when he softly said:


“And maybe, just maybe, one of these days, I will have gathered enough courage to look Scotty in the eyes and tell him how much I really, really love him. I will dare to open up to him and say the words “I love you” without having to be afraid of having them being thrown away like yesterday’s garbage. As if they had no value….”


Jason opened his mouth to protest. He had NEVER taken Kevin’s words for granted. They had been his anchor in the most difficult days, what he held on to through those lonely nights... But Kevin raised his hand in a stop sign and continued:


“Whatever you want to say, it no longer matters. I’m done. You have made me feel useless. Unwanted. Undesired. Worthless. When I heard you were coming back, I was worried that there might be feelings lingering inside me, that somehow I would get drawn in by you again,  but all I could feel in the pit of my stomach, was the emptiness you had left behind. Shattered dreams. Broken to a million pieces. And you can’t take away the pain. There are no words for that. It’s too late.”


“This conversation is not going anywhere, is it?”


“There is nothing I can say, or do, or swear to, that will make this  better, right?

“No.” Kevin replied determinedly. And Jason nodded that he accepted the answer. He had to. Kevin was very clear.


Jason decided it was best to leave the kitchen. But, at the door, Jason turned around.

“Kevin… about Scotty being a stray cat… I didn’t mean that…. He seems like a nice person to me… And he makes a delicious meal….”

“He is. And he does.”  Kevin said gently. “Jason… about Robert… I will never vote for him, but I respect him… maybe one day I’ll even begin to like him…” Slowly a smile started to curl around Kevin’s lips.

“Unlikely.” Jason shook his head. Kevin’s smile became even bigger and he suddenly teased:

“Jason? You should have a little bit more faith.” Jason looked up and couldn’t help but grin in return. And suddenly they were both laughing.


Kevin walked up to him and took Jason’s face in his hands, he kissed him lightly on the lips and then said:

“Jase, I don’t hate you. But I will never trust you again with my heart either. You hurt me too deep for that…  I’ve let you go, now please, let go of me. I still care about you. If you need a friend, someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to share your joy with, I’m right here. But only as a friend.”

“Let me guess…. Just a phone call away?”

“I won’t hold my breath…” Kevin wrapped his arms around Jason and Jason replied to the embrace. They held each other for a moment.


“Forgive me.” Jason whispered.

“Only if you forgive me too?” Kevin asked. Jason nodded.

“Are you coming back to the dinner-table with me?”

“In a couple of minutes. I just want to … you know…” Kevin waved his hands about.

“I get it.” Jason left the kitchen to give Kevin time to compose himself.



The first thing Jason noticed was the silence at the dinner table. He became aware of the fact that they had heard Kevin and him yelling at each other. The place right to where Kevin had been sitting was empty.

“Where’s Scotty?” he asked.

“Garden.” Sarah replied curtly. He nodded and went into the garden.


He found Scotty sitting on the side of the pool.

“Mind if I sit next to you?” he asked, pointing at the piece of wall next to Scotty. “It’s kind of crowded out here.” Scotty looked around the empty garden, shrugged and replied:

“You pay for your own drinks.”

“Fair enough.” Jason smiled. But then his smile disappeared. “Scotty, Kevin is in the kitchen. I think he may need you.”

“You think?”

“Our fight surely cleared the air between us.”

“Good.” He didn’t mean a word of it.


“He forgave me. Told me he still cares about me…” Scotty’s heart sunk. Oh God, no. “… but it’s you he wants to be with. Not me.”

“Really?” Jason saw the disbelieve on Scotty’s.

“You just don’t get it, do you? … How much Kevin wants to be with you.”

 “What?....” When Jason wanted to repeat his words, Scotty quickly said: “No. I’m sorry. I understood you perfectly. It’s just that it sounded familiar.”


“Yes it was just weird to hear you use the same words.. That’s all.”


Jason took Scotty’s hands into his own.

“Scotty, I really hurt him. I don’t think, I realized the full extent of it, until today. And what I did, will have repercussions on his life with you and I don’t want that. He told me something… and I will tell you, because, for now, he will not tell you this….” Scotty looked at Jason with curiosity as Jason told him in a soft voice: “He loves you. He loves you so much more than you’ll ever know. And if he won’t tell you, it’s because he told me that he loved me and I …” Jason prayed for strength. “… I took his words for granted. He was very hurt and now the words have lost their meaning. … And I’m sorry about that.”


“It’s alright. I don’t need to hear him say it. I have heard them before, only to find out that they were hollow words… But I’m glad you told me. It means a lot to me, to hear you tell me the truth. You didn’t have to. You could have kept quiet and keep me guessing.”

“I want Kevin to be happy and if his happiness lies with you, then so be it. But, Scotty? If you ever hurt him, I’ll find you. And I have back up.” Jason said pointing at the sky.

“Don’t worry. I have no intention to hurt Kevin.” Scotty laughed. “I’m sorry to break the conversation…. I just... I want to go see Kevin.”


As he saw Scotty walk away, Jason felt lost. Kevin had made a definitive choice. Whatever glimmer of hope he still had, it was squashed and he had just sent the only person, who still doubted Kevin’s love and was standing between Kevin and him, back into Kevin’s arms. Deep inside he knew he made the right decision. Whatever path God intended to send him on, Kevin would not follow it with him… He knew he was right, what he didn’t understand was, why it had to hurt so much



When Scotty came back at the dinner table, he looked and felt a lot better. His eyes were bright and the color was back on cheeks.  He went straight for the kitchen. And the others knew, whatever had happened, something had changed. Robert apologized and went into the garden, where he found Jason, where Scotty left him.


“I’m alright.”


“Of course you are.” Robert said, looking at Jason’s pale face, his eyes big from trying not to cry, his lips a determined line. He put an arm around Jason’s shoulder.  Jason, however pushed him away. But Robert took him and held him close again. Jason’s carefully built wall started to crumble.

“It’s alright. Let it go, Jason.” Robert said quietly.

Jason grabbed Robert’s jacket and for a moment it looked as if he would push Robert away again, but instead he pulled him closer. Hiding his face against his brother’s shoulder Jason allowed the tears to come. And all Robert could do was hold him close.




“Hey. Is the fight definitely over?” Scotty asked.

“Yeah, we were waiting for the soft shell crabs or the lobsters to come in.” Kevin smiled. “Did you see Jason?”

“He told me that you might need me….”

“I do. Come here.” He said stretching his arm out to Scotty. Scotty took his hand. “Hold me, please.” Scotty wrapped his arms around Kevin and held him tight, until Kevin moved from his embrace.


“Scotty, I know you had your doubts about my feelings for Jason… Maybe you were right…. I just want to you to know, and hopefully believe you'll believe me, that I have cried my last tear over Jason. I think I’m finally over him.” Scotty looked at Kevin’s face for a few seconds as if he tried to read his mind.

“I believe you.” He then replied. Kevin gave him his brightest smile and Scotty took him in his arms.



When Nora walked into her kitchen she found them, so lost in their kiss, they never even noticed her. She smiled, closed the door again and left them alone.






IT MUST BE HIM – Timi Yuro


I tell myself, what's done is done, I tell myself, don't be a fool
Play the field, have a lot of fun, it's easy when you play it cool

I tell myself don't be a chump, who cares, let him stay away
That's when the phone rings and I jump, and as I grab the phone I pray


Let it please be him, oh dear God, It must be him, it must be him,

or I shall die, or I shall die, hello, hello my dear God, It must be him

but it's not him, and then I die, that's when I die


After a while, I'm myself again, I pick the pieces off the floor
Put my heart on the shelf again, You'll never hurt me anymore

I'm not a puppet on a string, I'll find somebody else someday
That's when the phone rings,…and once again, I start to pray


Let it please be him, oh dear God, It must be him , it must be him
or I shall die, I shall die, hello, hello my dear God, it must be him

but it's not him and then I die, again I die


Let it please be him, oh dear God
It must be him , it must be him
or I shall die……

25th-Feb-2008 11:02 pm (UTC)
Very nice, I like how you showed everybody's point of view. This was great. Thanks for sharing :c)
25th-Feb-2008 11:54 pm (UTC)
I tried to put myself in Jason's position. Tried to think of what he might have went through, but I still feel more strongly about Kevin's pain. Maybe cause Matthew Rhys suffers so well ;-)

I want Kevin and Jason back 'on speaking terms', maybe even friends. But 'for now' not more. I want to play with Scotty first... (evil grin)
25th-Feb-2008 11:45 pm (UTC)
Three things I must say:
1) I'm a huge Jason/Kevin fan
2) I haven't saw all eps but I know a few bits
3) you write wonderfully

That said, I liked your fic (of course I would like Kevin to choose Jason without hurting Scott too much ^.^). I'm glad they stay friends though. I would like to know, if possible, what happened after Jason returned? What is the situation between the three of them? Could you tell me?
26th-Feb-2008 12:40 pm (UTC)
I have to admit I love the Vikki Carr version of that song, it just gives me chills.

Beautiful closer to your story. I'm glad Kevin and Jason could part as friends (sweet kiss at the end), and Jason realized what he had lost. Kevin and Scotty and their reunion was such a sweet moment.

You do such a great job of explaining what Jason was going through in Malaysia.

Jason/Kevin/Scotty are a great triangle and you do them justice.
26th-Feb-2008 10:38 pm (UTC)
It wasn't untill I started looking for the song on You-Tube that I discovered that there were other versions of the song. :-)
I have to admit that the V.Carr version is also very pretty, but to me, the Yuro-version cuts me a bit deeper, cause I've been impressed with is for so long.

That song really haunted me since 2.08, when Kevin discovers that Jason talked to Robert and when he comes home, he finds out that there is yet again no message for him and he says "No, 'course not."... Something died there. I think it was his hope.

I wanted Kevin's pain acknowledged and to explore what could have happened to Jason. But I couldn't let Kevin stay mad at Jason. I don't think Kevin really carries a grudge for a long time and he still cares about Jason.
26th-Feb-2008 09:53 pm (UTC)

I can't access your reply but I wanted to thank you the info.
26th-Feb-2008 10:20 pm (UTC)
HI teamane,
Could your not access the links or just my post? Please let me know. I will check if you cannot access the links I gave you...

Take care,
26th-Feb-2008 10:37 pm (UTC)
Your reply was sent to my email and I followed the links (^.^) but when I tried to reply to your comment it gave me an invalid page. The links worked just fine. Thank you, again, for giving them to me. The show has started on my country (second season) but it will be 10 weeks before I can see ep 11 *grin*.
27th-Feb-2008 04:34 pm (UTC)
I agree that this song is really what happened to Kevin, but I can't go over the fact that for me Jason crawling back to Kevin is slightly out of character.

I like how Jason goes to see Scotty in the backyard and tells him about Kevin wanting to be with him, that's something I'd like to see: a future friendship between Scotty & Jason ?!

I can't picture Jason crying in Robert's arms I tend to see him as keeping his feelings for himself but that's just me, and I thought Kevin and Jason's reconciliation is a bit sudden.

And also, although it might be overrated but I maintain that Jason isn't 100% responsible, maybe I should write something about this myself! If I could get a nice little fluffy bunny!

I put the same icon you said you liked it! See ya!
27th-Feb-2008 08:59 pm (UTC)
Fair enough. Good comments.

I never so much saw it as 'Jason crawling back'. Their issues were by no means resolved and I wanted to do that, by letting Jason tell his side of the story and Kevin, reluctantly, agreeing to listen. I don't think that Jason is 100% responsible. But by admitting to Jason that he had slept with Scotty and wanted to break up with him, Kevin already took his responsability. Jason hadn't had the chance yet, to tell his story, to apologise, to accept his part of the break up. Putting the blame on the other is the easy part, but you cannot start to heal if you don't own up to your part in the argument.

I felt it was only logic that Jason would tell Scotty the truth, Jason is not a monster. I believe that he still cares deeply about Kevin and would want to see him happy. EVEN if it is with someone else.

Ah! Robert/Jason. Do you know that that was the hardest part to write? I wrote different scenarios for that. At first, Jason walked away, pretending nothing had happened, which irritated me to death.
I would have him admit to Scotty that he still loved Kevin, but would not persue it, nah, too mushy. He wouldn't confide to Scotty.
I would have him excuse himself, drive off and, alone in his car, let go of his emotions. But he his loneliness broke my heart.
And then I realised I wanted a safety-net for Jason, someone to fall back on and to me, Robert would be the most logic choice. But they don't talk to eachother. And I think that after Jason is done crying, they will never discuss it again. His biggest pain cried out, he'll deal with the rest on his own. Because that's what the McCallisters do.
6th-Jan-2010 10:36 pm (UTC)
Perfect ending..was glad to see that Jason talked to Scotty and told him what Kevin was afraid to after everything with Jason..somehow though I think Scooty didnt need to be told. :)
21st-Jun-2010 01:39 pm (UTC)
I really loved the confrontation between Jason and Kevin. It really felt like a missing scene of the series.
Scotty and Kevin were portrait beautiful, too. Thanks so much for writing this!
21st-Jun-2010 10:28 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I think the boys really needed this. I would have loved a good confrontation between the boys. However, to be honest, the Kevin/Scotty/Jason dinner is still my second favorite scene of the series, right after a certain proposal. ;)
19th-Feb-2011 10:14 am (UTC)
OMG, you make hurt Kevin, or hurt Kevin so well, it's heart-breaking. And you explained everything, I wish this happened instead when Jason returned in S2 to confront Kevin.

I love all the small moments within the story itself.
“Are you coming back to the dinner-table with me?”
“In a couple of minutes. I just want to … you know…” Kevin waved his hands about.

Jason grabbed Robert’s jacket and for a moment it looked as if he would push Robert away again, but instead he pulled him closer.

“He told me that you might need me….”
“I do. Come here.” He said stretching his arm out to Scotty.

And after I read the lyrics, my heart broke even more for Kevin.

Great job!

10th-Apr-2011 09:05 pm (UTC)
i loved it!

i think you filled the blanks from the 20-something secods fight in kevin's apartment. very well done!

and i loved scotty and jason talk
10th-Apr-2011 09:11 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I've always felt that Kevin/Jason never talked out what happened between them. And I still agree that it was the worst excuse. :)
This page was loaded Oct 20th 2019, 8:19 am GMT.