Be careful what you ask for. Part 1. By Marea67
Kevin / Scotty Rate:
B&S doesn’t belong to me. Written with love, not for money. Summary:
Scotty misses something, can Kevin provide? Extra info:
Taking place between 2.12 and 2.13.
“I know, I shouldn’t complain.” Scotty sighs, leaning back in the seat of Kevin’s car.
“Then don’t.” Kevin smiles, knowing that Scotty will complain anyway.
“It’s just a bit … I don’t know… unfair?” Scotty looks for the right words to express himself.
“So what did Jordan say exactly? I want to hear all the dirty gossip.” Kevin is curious and Scotty likes the fact that Kevin is interested in his friends, so he tells about Jordan’s phone-call.
“He has a new boy-friend, Jim. Blond, blue eyes, 24 years old, good looking according to Jordan. Superb between the sheets, again, according to Jordan… They had a nice dinner, after that Jim took him back home, they just kissed at the door and he left… They had a second dinner and some time to get know each other and last night they slept together for the first time, which was divine, yet again, according to Jordan. I envy him.”
“I’m sorry, but I look awful with blond hair and there’s no way I could ever make myself 24 years old again…..” Kevin replies, quasi-insulted. Scotty shakes his head. He wouldn’t want Kevin to change anything about himself.
“No, it’s just that… Everything is so perfect for them and I …. I miss that in us. It feels like we did everything wrong from the start. You didn’t really want me to begin with….”
“It was unprofessional
, I just hoped the glass top of my desk wouldn’t reveal how much you turned me on.”
“Well, lucky you.. it didn’t…. unfortunately. And there was the outing of Holly at the pool-party…”
“Yes, one of those fine Walker-moments….” Kevin sighs with a little shame.
“And then our first kiss at the restaurant … when I didn’t realize you hated
public displays of affection.”
“I didn’t hate the kiss. I wanted
you to kiss me. I couldn’t wait
to get to the car and kiss you… it’s just…. It was in the middle of a restaurant
. You took me completely by surprise.”
“I wish I could have taken you that night… by surprise or in any other way…” Scotty grins. “And then our first kiss at your door….”
“God! I remember yanking you into my apartment and nearly jumping you…”
“Nearly?!?! I cannot remember ever
getting undressed this fast.”
“Oh yes. Your protest was overwhelmingly … silent.”
“See, that is what I meant. You had me on my knees in no time.”
“Ah, no, it was me who got on my knees if I remember correctly.” Kevin replies mischievously.
“And me, by consequence…” Scotty replies smugly, blinking a few times at Kevin. Kevin snaps his fingers.
“Did you ever.” Scotty laughs out loud and Kevin joins him…. Once having regained his breath, Scotty continues: “Not to mention that night we went to see that terrible Italian movie.”
“It is still a total mystery to me, why you wanted to see that one.”
“I didn’t.” Scotty confesses.
“I wanted to impress you. Seem more sophisticated then I actually was…, I would rather have seen something more fun. And do some improper things to you somewhere on the last row.”
“And I just sat there watching that boring movie on a stupid screen, when all I wanted to do was to kiss you and be all over you…” Kevin sighs at the memory.
“Well, why didn’t you?” Scotty asked a bit surprised.
“You desperately wanted to see that movie. I thought you really, really
liked it… or something.”
Scotty shakes his head at how stupid they both were way back then.
“I was so scared I wouldn’t fit into your world. It was sometimes hard to separate “Kevin, the lawyer” from “Kevin, my boyfriend”. I was in awe by your job, your status and your money, feeling like I had not to contribute our relationship. You made me so insecure.”
insecure?! You made me feel like I should be ashamed of what I had built up over the years. And it would upset me, because I worked hard for my money and for my job. I made long days studying and working. And being gay, didn’t immediately open all the doors for me either. And I was more than willing to share my good life with you, but whenever I even dared
to suggest that I’d pay for dinner, you’d become all drama about it…. And I knew you couldn’t afford the things I could afford.”
Scotty is stunned by Kevin’s words. He never realized that he made Kevin as insecure as Kevin had made him… Scotty’s smile turns all melancholy. “Wow. We didn’t really know each other, when we broke up… Or when we had that one night thing at Valentine…. That night really hurt me….”
“You and me both. I thought that we would patch things up somehow….”
“You did? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Somewhere between Chad’s reaction and yours, I was too stunned. I walked in to find you there in my bedroom and feeling like you belonged there and then Chad called. He was all insulted because I left with you, while he was pre-occupied with being all over Michelle. What did he expect me to do in the meantime? Stay and watch the show? Then he breaks up this relationship with me, that we are not
having, because he was oh-so straight and I am oh-so not. And I know I’m supposed to care and be devastated, but all I really want is to yank you back into my bed and never let you go.”
“You wanted me? Then?”
“I always wanted you, it was the keeping
you that provided most problems.” Kevin sighs.
Scotty shakes his head once again. He never knew they had messed up this badly.
“We keep making mistakes over and over again.” He says.
“Yes, but we keep finding each other again too.” Kevin replies.
“Although it was more out of necessity. I mean, when I walked back into your office, it was because I was broke. But, honestly, I fell in love with you again straight away… Only to find out you were in love with someone else…”
“Jason.” Kevin sighs. They look at each other in the dark. Kevin is grateful that the mere mention of Jason’s name no longer causes Scotty to get all angry or upset.
“Jason was really a big hurdle to take. You drove me mad with your stories about how terrific he was. He drove me mad by his not calling you and hurting you. I drove myself mad, with going back and forth between wanting you, trying to ignore you, being your friend, wanting to be your lover, knowing I couldn’t be. Pending between running away again and staying. Not being able to chose because being with you killed me, but being without you was not a solution either.”
“I’m sorry.” Kevin replies quietly.
“It wasn’t anyone’s fault. It’s just the way it happened. Our timing was always off. You took me into your house, because I was homeless and you were so confident in you love for Jason, that I vowed to myself I wouldn’t let you screw it up. And yet, I did. I let you screw it up … with me.”
“You were prepared to let me off the hook. To pretend it didn’t happen. You were not the only one to blame. So were Jason and I. If
Jason had called, I might
not have slept with you, but I am not sure of that either, because I was torn between you and Jason from the moment you walked back into my life.”
“I know I’m supposed to be feel guilty about sleeping with you that night, but I don’t.”
“Neither do I.” Kevin admits reluctantly. “I felt awful the next day, not only because I cheated on Jason, but even more because I still wanted to be with you. And I knew that… that if I felt so strongly about wanting to be with you, then I didn’t belong with Jason and I would have to face yet another broken up relationship.”
Scotty is silent for a moment as the meaning of Kevin’s choice sinks in.
“So you chose me, but I kept believing that you wanted to be with Jason… That if he came back you’d dump me and I … We kept messing things up.” Scotty sighs.
“Yes, we’re pretty good at that. But… everything is fine now,… no?” Kevin feels a bit of panic come up. He loves Scotty so much and he can’t handle the thought of losing him again.
“Yes. Yes. Of course, it’s just… Everything feels right and we are in a relationship.”
“Oh yes, bummer!.” Is Kevin sarcastic reply.
“That’s not what I meant.” Scotty defends himself.
“We could always break up and get back together again… in a few hours.”
“No thanks, God knows who you’d run into during those few hours…” Scotty jokes. “No, it’s just that … you know… Jordan and Jim make it all sound so … romantic. First kiss, first touch, first I don’t know, everything. With us… Our timing was always off. I just wished that we could have done everything right, no mistakes, no fights, no misunderstandings. That we had taken the time to flirt, to be romantic.
I remember it as time where we both either worked or had sex. We hardly ever went out… Did we ever see a movie other then the Italian one? We never had the time… We spent a lot of time either at your place or at mine, but every time we met, we quickly ended up in bed, making out…. Things between us were always more physical then emotional…. No, that’s not true either…” Scotty immediately contradicts himself.
Kevin parks the car in silence. After taking the keys he carefully weighs his words and says:
“I’m sorry…. I don’t really understand what you want… If you’re unhappy with me…..”
“I’m not.” Scotty quickly interrupts. “I’m not unhappy with you at all… but Jordan talking about taking things slow, about those first things new lovers do, about getting to know each other. We didn’t take time, I guess I just missed something
… “ Scotty seems frustrated at not being able to explain his feelings and Kevin looks at him for a moment, trying to figure it out for himself.
Scotty eventually sighs: “You know what? Forget it. I can’t explain it anyway. I guess I’m just tired. And with both us working 60 hours a week I really don’t know, where we should find the time to be ‘romantic’. I don’t have the patience to sit through a 2-hours dinner or a movie anyway .... ” Scotty sounds defeated.
Walking up to the elevator, Scotty sees the worried look on Kevin’s face and suddenly he wished he hadn’t said a word and he tries, more cheerful:
“Hey, Kev, don’t look so sad….”
“I thought we were doing great, and now this…. To know that I am not making you happy…”
“.. Kevin…” Scotty’s voice is reprimanding and Kevin comes back on his words.
“… alright, but you still feel something is missing…?” Kevin asks. They get on the elevator and discover they have the elevator for themselves and Scotty smiles and wraps his arms around Kevin and gently says: “Forget it, please, Kevin… I love you. We’re fine. I swear.” He kisses Kevin quickly on the lips and continues: “Do you notice that we’re alone in the elevator? I never…. Not in an elevator.” He whispers. Kevin smiles, replies to the kiss. The elevator makes a sound, automatically they release each other and the doors slide open to let an older couple in.
Kevin looks up to catch Scotty’s look, a little amused smile on his lips at getting almost caught, but Scotty stares at the ceiling, annoyed and irritated by the interruption, a frown on his face, his entire behavior indicating an impatience to get off the elevator. It stops at their floor and Scotty nearly runs to the front door of their loft…
And Kevin’s eyes are focused on Scotty. Scotty suddenly looks so young and hurt. Kevin thinks he gets
Scotty’s disappointment. He’s playing with his keys as he wonders how he can solve this. In the back of his mind an idea pops up. He ignores it at first, but then he smiles as he follows Scotty into their apartment…
END OF PART 1