Saul's soul-mateBy Marea67
The characters of B&S aren't mine. written with love, not for money.Summary:
The night before he gets married to Jonathan, Saul thinks about a few things.
A/N: This was supposed to be part of the "One the life of others" series, but I finished that one, without adding this one (and a few others) to it. Mainly because this story doesn't flow well. I know what I wanted, but couldn't get it quite right. However, I liked it too much to throw it away.
References back to episodes 2.07 "36 hours" (argument Saul/Kevin in Justin's room) and 2.15 "Moral hazard" (Saul coming out to Kevin).
Saul is Nora's house. In Tommy's room to be exact. And he hangs up his shirt and tie, brushes away an miniscule speck of dust and straightens them again. He looks at them intensely. His clothes are ready. And tomorrow afternoon, after a short commitment ceremony, he and Jonathan will become a couple. A real couple. Who would have thought? After all the time he had kept his secret... The tension between Saul and Kevin will not go away. Saul is sick and tired of Kevin’s continued attempts to make him come out of the closet, and here, in Justin’s room, where they both search for drugs, that could undermine Justin’s resolve to stay clean, Saul has had enough.
“What is it going to take to get you to understand that I am not you, okay? I know you feel you have a need to have this company….” Saul argues.
“I have… I have no need for any company. It’s you who’s stunningly all alone.”Kevin points out and his words hurt Saul a lot.
“Kevin, you may have grown up in a world, where men walk around in public holding hands, but at the end of the day you are one of the loneliest people I have ever known.” He can see that Kevin is taken aback by his words, maybe he’s even hurt or confused, but Saul can’t wait to find out. He leaves Kevin behind in Justin’s room.
He looks at himself in the mirror. Had he really once said that to Kevin? What had possessed him to say it? Kevin hadn’t been lonely. Jason had been far away, but at least he had been in a relationship with someone. Kevin had his family and he had Scotty, even if Scotty had been just a friend. Kevin had been out of the closet and not keeping his life and his feeling hidden away from those he loved.
No, the loneliest man he had ever known, then, was himself. Secrets. He had kept so many of them. William’s, Holly’s. His own. His fear of rejection had been too big. Even seeing how Nora defended Kevin, like a lioness with a bad temper, hadn’t taken away that fear. William’s rejection of Kevin had been a clearer sign to Saul, than Nora’s acceptance had been.
There was a fear of losing his job, of course. If William had found out…. Saul sits down on the bed and looks at the picture on the night-stand. Nora and her family. And William. Had William suspected? Especially in the last few years William had urged him to go out more often.
And, looking back, Saul had noticed a few times that William had referenced to men, who Saul had met in work-related situations, and that William had added the words ‘he seemed like a nice guy?’, as if William had pushed him into a certain direction. Sure, over the years, William’s stance on Kevin’s sexuality had mellowed.
William had loved his son, in his own way. Had William perhaps carefully tried to open the door to Saul’s closet as a sort of ‘penance’ for the way he had treated Kevin? Had he suspected and had he tried to show Saul that he had grown as well and that he would have accepted it if Saul had come out to him?
What a strange thought to have on a night like this. Saul wonders sometimes how William would have reacted to all the changes. Kevin’s relationship with Scotty. Kevin getting married with another man. Seeing Saul come out and watch him get to know Jonathan again. Jonathan. His soul-mate… He had found him.
There’s a little knock on his door.
“Come in!” His smile becomes big when he sees that it’s Kevin and Scotty.
“Are you ready?” Scotty asks.
“As ready as I will ever be.” Saul answers.
“One more day.” Kevin says. Saul nods. “One more day and you and Jonathan will be a couple. Officially.”
“I know. Stop reminding me of it…I’m nervous enough as it is.” Saul sighs, making both Kevin and Scotty laugh.
“If there’s anything we can do for you? Or we’re off to bed.”
“No, Scotty, I’m fine. Get some sleep.” Saul answers, with a smiles. He gets a warm hug from Scotty and a kiss on the cheek from Kevin. Once the two men are gone, Saul returns to his previous thoughts and he remembers coming out to Kevin.“I want out… I want to be free.” Saul can only hope that Kevin will read between the lines, but Kevin will not make it that easy for him.
“Just say it. I love you. It’s okay.” Kevin says with more sincerity than Saul can handle.
“I’m a gay man, Kevin. Tell me how I can be a gay man at my age.”
“I don’t even know how to be a gay man at my age…” Kevin answers. “.. but I do understand that you’re afraid.”
“I want my time back.” It's an impossible wish. Kevin doesn’t take long to answer.
“It’s the one trick none of us can pull off... Saul, if you think that this family is going to sit back and watch you…
waste .. the time that you do have, punishing yourself, you’re mistaken…” Saul taps Kevin on his hand, a small sign of thanks.
“Thank you, Kevin.”
He repeats the words he had said to Kevin then.“I know. .. I know, uncle Saul.”
He can still hear Kevin’s answer. It had left a deep impression on Saul. Saul had known how difficult life had been for Kevin, when he came out, but he had never really offered him much direct help, not even behind William's back.
Unlike Nora, he had never even tried to soften William's approach towards Kevin. He had left every battle that needed fighting to Nora. So, Kevin could have easily retaliated by being equally uninterested. But instead he had opened his heart. He had listened. He had given Saul comfort.
When he had finally been ready to speak the truth, both Nora and Kevin had given him a safety-net. And then Scotty, and after Kevin and Scotty’s marriage, the rest of the family. No. His family had not sat back to let him waste more time… He looks in the mirror.
As of tomorrow he would no longer be alone. He would have a partner. A soul-mate. But, he can now see that he’s never really been alone. Thanks to Nora and her children. He takes one more look at his suit. He’s ready. He will not waste even more time. He’s finally
ready to be happy.