marea67 (marea67) wrote,

39 steps - step 2 - 2.15 Moral hazard

The 39 steps
August 20, 2008
It’s 39 days to go until the start of season 3 in America.
There are 39 episodes for season 1 and 2. (Not taking the unaired episode in account or the original pilot, as not everybody can see those)
I started to watch the episodes again. One episode a day.
And then I got the plan to write a small scene for every episode. (Never more than 1 page long)

2.15 Moral hazard

By Marea67
About: Saul
Rate: G
Disclaimer: B&S doesn’t belong to me. Written with love, not for money.
Summary: Coming home.

Kevin stops at Saul’s house. Not for the first time tonight he notices how tired and old Saul looks. As if something inside him is broken. Saul slowly puts the safety belt in its place and he means to get out of Kevin’s car when he turns to say:
“Thank you.” His voice is hoarse. “..For everything… “ Kevin nods in understanding. He doesn’t need any more than this.

“You know, Kevin, you are lucky. You have absolutely no idea how fortunate you are to have someone like Scotty. Tell him I’m sorry. I said he was wrong in his assumptions about me, but he was right all along. And I… I practically called him a liar. Then you asked me and I lied as well. I am not very proud of myself.”
“’s Alright, uncle Saul. Forget about that. I will do the same and I think, so will Scotty. Go to bed, get some sleep. Stop worrying.”

Saul smiles and goes to the entrance of his house. He knows that Kevin is keeping an eye on him until he’s inside the house. He turns on the light, waves at Kevin, who starts his car and once the door is closed, he hears Kevin leave. He checks if Kevin is really gone, by looking out the window, then he pours himself some wine. He switches off the lights. He is so tired and he feels so old. And tonight, after the accident, something broke inside of him.

After watching Nora walk away he had felt really alone. He had once accused Kevin of being the loneliest man he had ever met, but that was a lie too. To see the loneliest man, all he had to do was look in the mirror. He has his sister and her children and work, but his house is very silent when he comes home. He tried. He tried so hard to have relationships with women, including the last one with Holly. He really liked Holly at the time and he thought….

Ah, who was he kidding, he has known for years that his disinterest for women did not come from his desire for independence, from not finding the right one just yet or from his workload. He just never fell in love with a woman. Period. And the reason why? It is because he fell in love with a man. Period. Because he’s gay. Period.

He puts down his glass. First he told Nora and now Kevin knows… Shouldn’t it get easier with every time you tell someone? How will he find the courage to tell Sarah or Kitty or Tommy or Justin? Should he ask Nora....? Of course, if Kevin knows that will be a good chance that the entire family will know about it in two days…

He closes his eyes. He wonders if he can live with himself for all these wasted years… Years in which he watched Kevin battle alone, because he didn’t dare to stand up for him, where he envied Kevin for being able to do what he, Saul, wanted to do and couldn’t. Years where he should have had faith in his sister’s love and adoration and he should have been honest to her….

He sighs. Maybe Kevin is right and he needs some sleep... Maybe tomorrow he can laugh about what happened tonight... He doubts it though.
Tags: character - saul, series - 39 steps

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