THIS IS AN AU(=Alternate universe) so things will be most likely different from the original version. Read at your own risk. Don't blame me if you don't like what you read! Not set in any time/place in particular.
About: Kevin & Scotty ( with Chad & Jason dropping by occassionally)
Disclaimer: Merely borrowing the characters, no harm will come to them. (I think...) Written with love not for money.
Rate: I'm going for NC-17 eventually. :)
Summery: Scotty could use a vacation.... So could Kevin...
Sorry, but last night's chapter was inadvertently posted as the 5th chapter, but it was in fact the 6th. (Thanks, Rosario, for pointing it out!) Correction has been made. And now... On to chapter 7!!!! ;D
Something seems to get unstuck in Kevin. There's a loud sob, a sense of letting go of the breath he has been holding. He starts to cry. Uncontrollably. Unstoppable. Deeply in shock Scotty holds Kevin as tightly as he can and he rocks him in his arms, as if Kevin is a little child.
It seems to Kevin that he had been crying for at least half the night, but Scotty knows it’s about 20 minutes off and on. Kevin seems exhausted, so Scotty had searched for the water-cooker and the bags of tea that he had seen in the room and he had made Kevin some tea.
“Here you go. Hot, strong, with a lot of sugar.” He says, handing Kevin the cup. Kevin nods with gratitude, but can’t seem to get a word out. He wraps his hands around the cup and tries to warm up a bit. “So, what is that all about? And don’t pretend that it was nothing… Please, don’t act as if I’m some fool…”
Kevin looks away from Scotty and he shakes his head.
“I can’t…” He eventually whispers. “Don’t know where to begin… How to explain….”
“Is it about the accident?”
“Do you even want to talk about it?”
“No…” Kevin presses his lips together for a few seconds. He swallows hard and then continues: “But,…. I guess that… one day… I’ll have to. Or I’ll go crazy…. And … that day might as well be today….”
Scotty doesn’t answer. Instead he sits down on the bed, next to Kevin.
“If this about the accident, why don’t you start by telling me about that night?” He asks. Kevin takes another sip of his tea and doesn’t answer straightaway. He seems a little lost, when he puts his cup on the nightstand.
He pulls up the blanket a bit, because he’s cold. His eyes search Scotty’s.
“Things are not what they seem…. The night of the accident I thought we were doing great. I was so much in love with him. He meant so much to me…. I remember watching him cross the hall and thinking to myself… that I was so lucky.”
“It must have been so hard to lose him…” Scotty starts, but Kevin laughs cynically.
“You have no idea how sick I am of people telling that me that….. I’m sick and tired of people feeling sorry for me and telling me how much I've lost and lucky I was to have known true love… True love?!.... True love?! He as lying cheating son-of-a-bitch!”
“Ahm…w-w-what?”There’s so much venom in Kevin’s words that it takes Scotty a couple of seconds to adjust to the sudden change.
“You heard me. You heard me right. We had the accident because we were fighting in the car. We argued… We weren’t paying attention to the road….”
“Kev….” Scotty wants to express how sorry he is, but it’s like Kevin’s internal dam finally bursts and the words just come out of Kevin’s mouth like a tidal-wave.
“That entire night he was all lovey-dovey to me. The night before we made love. I told that I loved him and he just smiled at me…. I thought he meant to say that he love me too. He was always so reserved. Or so I fucking thought. I never saw it coming. I never suspected it. I …. I didn’t know. Even now, I still can’t see what signs I've missed. I just don’t. I can’t see it! I was a complete, total, absolute fool! A stupid idiot!”
“If you didn’t know then… how do you know now? Did he tell you?” Scotty asks.
“He said he wanted to go home…. He was 15 years older than me. He has just celebrated his 50th birthday. I thought he was tired. He looked worried and … He looked like something was bothering him. So, we went home. ….
When we were in the car he didn’t turn on his music like he always did. Once we were on the road… out of the blue… he tells me he still loves me… but more like a dear friend… And that he has fallen in love with someone else. And that he wants a divorce. He would agree to any conditions I’d have, provided that they were sensible….
I was flabbergasted. I just…. I didn’t know what to say…. And he got …. angry .... with me … because I didn’t react …. I think he had expected me to fall apart. Or to be hurt… Or angry…. Or that I’d cry …. Or something…. But I was just too …. too shocked to have any reaction. He started saying things like ‘you should have known how I feel….’
And I never had. I never knew… I just… I just sat there… Feeling sick. Feeling stupid…. Feeling like I was in a nightmare. And I just wanted to wake up…. And then… I asked him who he was in love with. He said it didn’t matter because nothing had happened between them yet…. He wanted to do things right….
And I asked him why he didn’t love me any more…. And … He said he did, but… He sighed like I was a kid and that he had to explain to me for the 40 millionth time why I had to brush my teeth…. Like I should have known….. And I didn’t.. I sincerely didn’t…. So,…. He tells me that I’ve lost my inner fire…
I said that I had no idea what he meant by that. He said that he felt like I was no longer driven to succeed in life, that I didn’t want to learn anything from him anymore, that I closed myself off from him and… that he had met someone who was still open to listen to him, to learn from him, someone who he could turn into a powerful person…
Someone with the drive to make a difference in this world…. I asked him who it was. And he answered… And… It was too hilarious for words…. Well, not really.. but …. He was completely delusional if he thought that the man he mentioned would become his lover…. And I told him that…. And then he told me that I shouldn’t be such a drama-queen, that I was trying to hold on to a fantasy of him and me and that I had to let him go…”
“Who was the person he had fallen for?” Scotty asks and Kevin laughs. An unpleasant laughter.
“Yes. Guy was going to divorce me. A quick divorce. And then he would go over to Jason and Chad and … swoop Jason away from Chad.” Scotty looks intensely at Kevin’s face. Is Kevin kidding him? Is this a bad joke? Kevin seems genuinely hurt though. And Scotty has no idea who or what to believe.
“Jason would never….” He starts.
“Of course he wouldn’t …. Or so I thought. .. But what do I know?”
“Kevin…!” Scotty means to protest.
“No. Think about it. Of course I would like to think that Guy was just insane to think something like that. A stupid fantasy… But Guy wasn’t stupid. Even if he no longer loved me, he wouldn’t have chucked me aside without a good replacement. I can see it now, that if he had the idea that Jason was interested in pursuing a life with him, then it was based on something more than a fantasy…. And Guy believed that Jason would be with him….”
“Well, I don’t.” Scotty says stubbornly.
“That night I didn’t either… I told him that Jason would never leave Chad for him, that Jason loved Chad too much to do that. Guy laughed and said that Jason would quickly see the difference. Once he’d get to know Guy, he’d see what a loser Chad was…..
And then I asked him about all those years we had been together…. Had he ever loved me? He became quiet… Thought before answering… Then he said that he truly had believed that he loved me, but… that what he had felt was nothing compared to his feelings for Jason…. That he finally knew what true love was. And .. at that point I really got mad…. Told him to go to hell…. My last words to him were: ‘I hate you! I wish you were dead.’ …
A week later I wake up in the hospital and he’s dead… And everyone is sad and hurt and feeling sorry for me… And I don’t know what to do… There’s so much respect for Guy… Should I honestly burst that bubble and let those around me know that he planned to throw me away like yesterday’s leftovers?
He’s dead. He can’t defend himself. Should I desecrate the memory of him? What purpose would it serve? He’s gone. He’s never coming back…. Everyone believed him to be endlessly in love with me… I’m the only one who knows the truth, aside perhaps from Jason, but he has never said anything, …
And I don’t know what to do….. I’m so angry. I’m so hurt. I still have so many questions that will never be answered…. And I can’t tell anyone what’s going on in my mind. I don’t want anyone to know…. Not just for his memory only, but also because I’m embarrassed to tell my story. I’m so ashamed that I never saw it….
And…. I … I never really wanted him dead…. I loved him.. I sincerely loved him… And now I can’t fix it. I can’t apologize to him. I still have no clue what was really going on. I can no longer believe anymore in what we had. People around me tell a consolation it must be to know that I was loved… But there’s no consolation… He didn’t love me…”
The tears start to flow again and Scotty can see how Kevin is trapped in a vicious circle where he hates Guy, but still loves him too, no knowing what memories to trust, not knowing who to turn to or who to confide to…. He must have been so lonely in his head…. All those people around him and still ... all alone…..
“Kevin? Tell me honestly…. Did you try to kill yourself? Or was it truly an accident?...” The question is direct and Kevin looks away from Scotty first and Scotty can see the denial on his lips, but then Kevin lets out a very tired sigh.
“I took all three pills at the same time and not with intervals….”
“So, it was a suicide-attempt?” Scotty asks. Kevin shrugs.
“I don’t know… I honestly don't know. I don’t think I sincerely wanted to die. I’m sure glad and grateful that Justin found me on time…. But … Maybe it was a cry for help. A sign that I was lost and that I didn’t know anymore what to do….
I was so tired of all the conflicting thoughts in my head. Of the endless debates that I was having with myself….. It was so busy in my mind… All the time…” Kevin’s voice trails off and Scotty remembers how Kevin had told him, the first time that they met, that he just want all the noise to go away and that he wanted silence in his head.
“Come here.” Scotty says. He sits up against the headboard and he spreads his legs and pulls Kevin closer to him so Kevin is between his legs and against his chest. He pulls up the blankets tighter around them. He can feel that Kevin is still crying, all be it softly. He kisses Kevin’s hair and lets his fingers gently play with Kevin’s curls.
“You have every right to be angry. You have every right to hurt…” His voice is sweet and caring. “… And I think it was very brave of you to try and protect Guy’s name and the good memories that everyone had of him…. But it also meant you had no one to turn to… And it must have been such a lonely fight. All those conflicting feelings. All by yourself…
But you’re not alone anymore. I’m here….. And you’ve been fighting alone for long enough…. Now, give up the fight… You’ll be alright. Tonight, I’m here to protect you…. And it’s time for you to let go…”
“I’m tired.” Kevin admits in a broken voice.
“Of course you are, baby. Now let it go… Just get some sleep and don’t think of anything anymore…” Scotty rubs Kevin’s temples softly and he lets his fingertips caress Kevin’s face, forcing Kevin to keep his eyes closed. The emotions have worn Kevin out and it doesn’t take him that long to fall asleep.
Scotty however has more trouble to fall asleep. He thinks over everything Kevin had said. He had felt a sense of jealousy when he had seen the pictures of Kevin and Guy together. So much love.. How fake… Well. Half-fake, because Kevin had loved Guy. How hard must it not have been for Kevin?
And would Jason really have done something behind Chad’s back? Scotty loves both Jason and Chad very much and he somehow can’t imagine Jason in love with anyone else but Chad. Yet, Kevin had raised some reasonable doubts. He can't handle the thought of Chad being lied to.
Sure, Chad sleeps around, but he will never lie about it. And Chad is not perfect, but he'd be the first one to point out his flaws. Chad seems to never take anything serious, but Scotty knows that under that careless attitude is a big heart and too much trust.... God, if Jason would ever leave him, Chad would be crushed...
It's a thought that upsets Scotty and, maybe feeling Scotty's unrest, Kevin wakes up a bit. He turns away, to lie down next to Scotty. It allows Scotty to lie down as well. Immediately Kevin rolls closer. His lips are against Scotty's shoulder. He immediately drifts back to sleep. Eventually Scotty closes his eyes as well. He wraps his arm around Kevin and finds his sleep again as well.
END OF PART 7