ON THE LIFE OF OTHERS 10/20By Marea67About:
The Walkers and a few others.Rate
: They don’t belong to me. Written with love, not for money.Summary
: The effect that Kevin has had… in the life of others. Jason McCallister!.Written for the Love-Bingo prompt: I'm sorry
*****CHAPTER TEN : JASON : I’M SORRY
Jason switches off the last lights in the church. It’s quiet and empty and, in the dark, Jason returns to his room. The living space in the back of the church isn’t big and he has to share it with another minister, but it’s fine with him. They both have their own room and their privacy.
Jason picks up his bible and tries to read it, but tonight he feels too restless to read. He puts the bible on his desk and his eyes rest on the picture of Robert and Kitty’s wedding-day. The picture is folded in two. Though he pretends that it’s only because the space on his desk is limited, the truth is that he can’t stand to watch the other side of that picture.
It’s a picture taken of the families and on the folded away side is Kevin. Kevin with Scotty. Or to be more precise, the picture is out of focus and though the picture is supposed to be about Kitty and her brothers and sisters, from the side Julia and Scotty look on with big smiles on their faces.“I was having a crises a faith actually…”
How silly it is to remember this excuse, that he had used a few days earlier. ‘Crises of faith’
? A real crises of faith would be doubting God, doubting his work as a minister, doubting the words he’s preaching, but he had never doubted anything. He had never stopped believing, he had never considered giving up being a minister or stop preaching.
He had however considered giving up on Kevin. What had driven him to his silence had been on one side his lust for Kevin and on the other his fear for commitment. He had accused Kevin of not taking their relationship serious, but in Malaysia he had finally understood that it had been safe for him to hide behind Kevin.
He wanted Kevin, but… would he really be able to give Kevin a full relationship, if his commitment was to the church? A church that was ambiguous about that same relationship? As long as Kevin had been the boyfriend-hopper it had been fine, because as long Kevin hadn’t been serious, Jason didn’t have to be either.
But once Kevin had decided to try and be the perfect boyfriend, Jason had realized that the same would be expected of him and he had no idea if he really wanted to make that commitment to Kevin. No, his crises hadn’t been over faith, it had been over Kevin and his feelings of love (and lust, lot of lust
) for Kevin.Hi, this is Robert, thought I’d leave you a message to urge you to call Kevin. I don’t understand what’s gotten into you. I thought that Kevin was being the usual drama-queen when he said that you had never called him, but I’ve learned from Kitty, through Tommy, Sarah and Nora, that he’s not exaggerating.
Jason, it’s none of my business and you know that I believe that you can do better than Kevin, but Kitty and the other Walkers are upset to see that Kevin is really trying and you’re not helping him. And I can’t disagree. If you had seen Kevin’s face tonight, you’d be heartbroken too. He’s really hurt.
If you’re serious about Kevin and you don’t want to lose him, you’d better start calling him. I understand that he recently started helping out an ex-boyfriend, and judging by the look on Kitty’s face, he’s really well-liked. By the Walkers. And by Kevin. You’d better make your move fast…
Jason still remembers how much panic he had felt after hearing this. He had known that it was time to decide. He had to make up his mind. Kevin deserved honesty. Kevin had never lied about his anxieties and his fear of commitment, but now Jason was starting to feel like a hypocrite.“And what about the part where you promised me to wait for me and then broke up with me on the phone?”
He bows his head. How unfair. Sure it had hurt that the decision had been made for him,
that Kevin had slept with someone else while Jason was still trying to figure out what he wanted from Kevin. But, in all honesty, it had been more about hurt pride than about being heart-broken…“.. You made me feel like I was some materialistic guy you had no time for.”
He can still see the anger and pain on Kevin’s face when he said those words. It had never occurred to him how much time, feelings and energy Kevin had put into keeping their relationship going. Guilt and worry pop up again…. He had really underestimated his own feelings and Kevin’s feelings too.
And this time Kevin had taken the decision out of his hands, because of Scotty, but Jason becomes aware that next time, he might have to actually make that choice himself. He had partially lost Kevin due to his own inability to make a clear choice between love and duty.
He checks the time. It’s nearly 10 at night. Could he call Kevin at this hour? He dials the number.
“Hi, you’ve reached the number of Kevin Walker …” He hears Kevin’s voice cheerfully announce.
“.. and Scotty Wandell…” Okay, that hadn’t been there when he had called a few days earlier… A bit confused about his own disappointment he waits for the beeping sound.
“Hi, Kevin.. and Scotty. This is Jason. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for what happened the other night. I realize that things more complicated than I like them to be…. But I would really like us to find a solution to this situation. Not just for ourselves, but we also have Kitty and Robert, and their future family, to consider….” He doesn’t know how to go on and at that moment the phone gets picked up.
“Just heard your message. I agree. Things got a bit weird. I can’t say that Kevin or I acted any better. I suppose that there was a lot of … unresolved issues…. And not just between you and Kevin…, but also between Kevin and me.” Scotty admits. Jason smiles.
“I’d like to work toward a solution, so there will be less of a hostile feeling.”
“Sounds good to me too. I’ll talk to Kevin once he’s done with his shower…” He can hear Scotty swallow hard. “Shall I ask him to call you back? Get in touch with you? ”
“That would be nice.” Jason nods, hoping this will be the first step in healing the hurt.