Disclaimer: B&S doesn’t belong to me. Written with love, not for money.
Summary: Kevin doesn’t want to go home. Set between the ‘first time’ scene and Kevin’s coming home to find Scotty there…
Kevin drives around for a while. He doesn’t want to go home to his own apartment. He can’t stand it to be there, all alone. Not now anyway. He’ll go crazy.
“Oh, well, the next time you two chat, maybe you can tell him that his committed monogamous yet highly sought after boyfriend says ‘hi’.” He can still hear his own words to Robert. How could Jason call Robert and not him? The question keeps circling in his mind no matter how hard he wants to avoid it.
And he also remembers what his conversation with Tommy a few weeks ago when Justin went through his night of detox.
“You wanna know why I’m letting Scotty stay with me?”
“He’s cute?” Kevin had thought that Tommy shouldn’t say things like that. He is growing more and more aware that Scotty is cute… and hot…. And sexy…. And available… and ….
“Yeah and I’m lonely… Dangerous combination.” He repeats his own words to himself. He wishes dearly that he could confide to someone that his faith in his relationship with Jason is fading, that he doesn’t want to give up on it, but he frankly doesn’t remember what Jason sounds like, smells like, looks like. He cannot remember what attracted him to Jason.
And he feels guilty, because he knows he should care that he doesn’t feel it anymore. But he doesn’t care. He drives on as a thousand and one thoughts cross his mind. Hadn’t he said to Jason that he loved him, as Jason wanted? Why wasn’t that good enough? Why had Jason not fought for their relationship? Because his number one priority was the church and not Kevin? Where did Kevin rank than? Was Robert more important than Kevin? Why didn’t Jason call him? Was it really so hard to reach a phone?
Jason gave him several different phone numbers, where he could be reached. How come that for these last weeks Jason couldn’t be reached at any of those numbers? Twice a day? On working days? In the weekends? Mornings? Afternoons? Evenings? And with all these available numbers Jason could not reach him? He had a telephone at home, at work, a mobile phone, an answering machine, the office had 6 different receptionists where Jason could leave a message. There was a fax, there was email, he could have written a bloody letter in that time frame!!!
He wants to be angry at Jason and Robert. At Jason for … well everything! And Robert for blurting out that he had spoken to Jason. Kevin wishes he didn’t know, but it is too late. He knows it now. He is NOT important enough to Jason. Not as important as Robert apparently. He wants to feel jealous, insulted, betrayed, angry, infuriated, fed up, anything. But all he could feel was cold. Very cold. And very alone. He hates going home. But he can no longer drive around anymore either.