marea67 (marea67) wrote,

39 steps - step 13 - 2.04 State of union

The 39 steps
August 20, 2008
It’s 39 days to go until the start of season 3 in America.
There are 39 episodes for season 1 and 2. (Not taking the unaired episode in account or the original pilot, as not everybody can see those)
I started to watch the episodes again. One episode a day.
And then I got the plan to write a small scene for every episode. (Never more than 1 page long)

2.04 States of union
By Marea67
About: Saul
Rate: G
Disclaimer: B&S doesn’t belong to me. Written with love, not for money.
Summary: Saul remembers Milo.


Milo. At hearing that familiar name, a few weeks ago, Saul had flinched. Milo Peterman. He had spent years and years trying to erase the memory of him from his mind, but just the name Milo conjured up a memory of stolen moments on a beach. A soft, hesitant kiss. So careful, so gentle. The memory of Milo backing away, shocked by his own action and Saul laughing apologetic. It was alright, no harm done. It was just a kiss, right? But he couldn’t let go of the kiss. It was not enough.

Back home from their trip he had avoided Milo, but at night alone in his bed he would remember Milo’s lips on his. Tender fingertips exploring his body, reveling in the tremors it would sent through Saul’s body and the little laughter from Milo close to his ear as he murmured “Sauly” into Saul’s ear. And then the nausea would come up and Saul would cry over the loss of this love, for which there was no acceptance yet.

When, years later, Kevin came out, he watched Nora join PFLAG and he would hear her talk. He would see how she accepted Kevin, how she fought for him. She would fight William, friends, family, perfect strangers, the whole world if she had to. And he strongly desired to tell her the truth. That Kevin was not the only one around her, who was…. you know…. but he never dared to take that step. And he knew, he just knew, she would accept him, but he was afraid, so afraid to be wrong… and so he stayed quiet.

He remained silent while William was ranting about Kevin and how it was impossible for a man to feel for another man, what he was supposed to feel for a woman, but he remembered the strong hands on his waist, slowly bringing him closer to the body he desired and the excitement it had given him. He never felt like that for a woman, no matter how hard he tried. So he knew how Kevin felt, but dared not to stand up and defend Kevin.

And now he met Milo again. Attractive and smart as ever. And he had that old feeling in his stomach again. At his age! He was ‘in love’ again. And it was wrong, so wrong. But he wanted to see Milo. His invitation to this party, he hoped, would be a new step, another chance to be with Milo, but then he ran into a familiar face at the party. Scotty Wandell. And if Scotty would tell Kevin… Kevin is smart,… he’ll connect the dots, … he’ll think… no, he’ll know….

Oh, God, Kevin will never let this go. Saul feels panic. He cannot ever admit to Kevin that he knows. That he knows how it feels to have a man inside him and enjoy the sensation, to feel a man’s hand on his belly and shiver at the touch, to have a man’s mouth on his and gasp for air because it’s feels overwhelmingly good. He will have to lie. It is his secret and no one can change that. He cannot be gay… It’s too late for that. It’s too late to find love, to find tenderness, it’s too late to find acceptance… He will simply have to deny the truth and hope that Kevin will believe him…. He kept this secret for so long…  He kept it too long.
Tags: character - saul, series - 39 steps

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