Should have said….By marea67About:
: PG13 (for the occasional use of the f-word)Disclaimer:
I don’t own B&S. Written with love not for money.Summary
: 4 am on Kitty’s couch during 5.07
When you told me the truth, I should have walked away. Just get up and get out. To me there are certain things in life that are just unforgiveable. Cheating is one of them.
I won’t be holier than thou about it. I have cheated in the past. It’s true. There’s no denying that. And I would never have blamed any of those men for dumping me over the cheating, because it’s a lousy thing to do.
But I knew why I cheated... I just wanted to live my life and be happy. Even if it meant breaking a heart every now and then. I never really saw a reason to remain faithful. I certainly could not find a reason to stay faithful to Chad, while he was drooling all over Michelle. Or to Jason who seemed to have forgotten about my existence once he was in Malaysia.
But I had my reasons to stay faithful to you. I loved you. I trusted you. I thought you were better than … well, …. better than anyone else.... Definitely better than me. I thought you were special. I thought…
Well, it doesn’t matter anymore what I thought, does it? Because, in the end, I
didn’t matter. Because if I had
mattered, you wouldn’t have done what you did… Whatever that is exactly … I don’t want to know…. I don’t want to think about it.
You want to give me details. Explain it. I don’t fucking care. I don’t care how you did it with him. What hurts is that
you did it.
What hurts me is that I still love you...
I wish I could turn around and just walk away. If you had been anyone else, I would have, I swear… Just walk away…. but you’re not anyone else. You’re Scotty Wandell. The man I fell hopelessly in love with… Or should I say ‘hopefully’?
I think that is just it. I had hope. I was in love. And you destroyed it all with a few simple words.
“There was someone else…”
I should have told you to go to hell, once you had uttered those words, but … I love you. You begged me to talk to you, but I couldn’t. There were no words to express the pain I felt or to tell you about the turmoil in my head. How could make you see the numbness in my body?
I didn’t know what to do. Leave? Stay? I didn’t want to know what had happened and, yet, I did. I was afraid to ask… What if he was simply better than me? ….
Why? … Why did you let it happen? I don’t want to sit here on Kitty’s couch and watch the clock slowly go from 4.03 to 4.04, but what can I do about it? I keep thinking about it. Yes. I was in a bad place. I wasn’t paying attention to you. Did the punishment of you fucking someone else really fit the crime? Did it make you feel better? About us? About me? About yourself?
I was depressed. I felt useless. I felt like everything was tumbling down around me. But I never, ever, ever
thought about cheating on you. The mere thought of being with another man just feels wrong…
How could it have been so easy for you? Was I really that easy to forget?
4.11 am. Let me sleep. I just want to be able to close my eyes and sleep. But if I close my eyes… I see him… I see you… The two of you together… Was it really that easy for you?"Kevin isn’t paying to attention to me, so I’ll just grab the first waiter that comes along?"
You could have yelled at me. Fling the frying pan at my head. Kicked me out…. You’ve never been afraid to stand your ground, to confront me when needed, to hold on to your principles…. You could have…. I don’t know… something
… Anything would have been better than just sleeping with another guy.
You let him touch you. Kiss you… You were mine… I put that ring on your finger because I fucking loved you…. I love you… Still love you…………
Do I? Love you? Can I really forget? I don’t know. Each time I think I can… Then I see you… And I can’t speak. I get so angry…. And it hurts so much….
I know that you say you’re sorry…. I believe you…. I can believe you when I sit here…. But I cannot believe you when I’m with you …. When I look into your eyes, I know that you managed to deceive for a long time, because I was in love with you and I couldn't see the lies in your eyes.
All I can think about it is that you had yourself groped by some other guy. His
hands on your
body. And you let
him!.... You let him…. And then I get mad. And then it hurts…. Because I see you’re hurting too.
When I sit here, I want to call you and tell you that I want to come home, but … when I pick up the phone I just cannot dial your number.
If I’m alone, I realize that you’re really sorry. And that you want us to get back to how it used to be. Maybe you even regret that you told me the truth… And that makes me wonder… Would I have preferred you to stay quiet? To pretend it never happened? Isn’t that just as bad?
4.21 This couch is killing my back… I can’t stay here with Kitty. I can’t go back to you. I want to start over. Someplace else. I know I can’t. I could never leave you. I love you. And I should tell you…
I should tell you all those things I wish I could say. Maybe I should say them. Maybe it would clear the air? Have a really good fight? Yell at each other? …
What if it will only make things worse? What if I will say the wrong thing? What if I loose your forever?
There’s so much I should have said….