marea67 (marea67) wrote,

Fanfic: Loneliness


By Marea67
Rate: G
Disclaimer: Written with love, not for money. I don’t own the boys. :)
After the events in “36 hours” Kevin comes home to an empty house, where only Scotty’s little note awaits him..


Kevin had never been aware of how lonely he really was, until Saul had called him ‘one of the loneliest people he had ever known’. Kevin had laughed over it. Frankly, he had felt that Saul couldn’t have been more wrong. How could he be lonely? He had a boyfriend, a family, a job, friends…. He had it all. No? He was the lucky one…

And Saul was wrong. Period. He sits down on his couch and he lets Scotty’s little letter roll between his fingers. In fact, that little letter tells him more than anything else. In fact, Saul had been right. He is lonely. He always had been and he always would be. In his mind he can suddenly hear Justin say it again:

“Kevin always does the right thing… except sleep with women…” Of course, Justin had been mad and hurt at the time, but somehow it felt to Kevin as if those words explained him in a nutshell… always trying to do the right thing… and somehow always failing… somehow all his efforts and hard work had just never been enough.

And he had tried. He had known how it was supposed to be. If you’re a boy, you fall in love with girls. And it wasn’t as if he hadn’t had girlfriends. He hadn’t even been that bad at the game of seduction, because he had memorized everything Tommy had explained to him, every morsel he could read about being with a girl. He had studied it. But it had never really felt smoothly. It had never natural. He had to work too hard at it.

Nothing ever did go smoothly. Especially not after he came out. Gay versus straight. Engaged, married, in a relationship for Sarah, Tommy or Sarah versus don’t bring your gay boyfriend home to meet your dad for Kevin. Feeling happy whenever you were with your boyfriend versus sitting alone at your parents’ dinner-table, because you didn’t have the courage anymore to bring your lover.

He had sat there watching his father having dinner with Sarah’s boyfriends and Kitty’s lovers. All those lunches with Tommy’s girlfriends until, one day, there had been Julia. Oh, and there had been the thousand and one conquests that Justin had had. His dad never blinked over Justin latest trophy.

But Kevin had always felt that he couldn’t bring home his own lovers, for fear of how his father would judge not only Kevin, but also those he brought with him. Successful as Hank had been, handsome as Michael had been, rich as John had been, interesting and athletic as Tyrell had been, his father would stare at them until they would grow uncomfortable and leave and never come back.

No, Kevin had grown accustomed to always being alone… Quick sex, quick solutions. No attachment. No commitment. Always careful, always protected, but never involved. And then, one day there had been Scotty… Kevin takes a deep sigh. Scotty had never been subtle about anything.

He didn’t break down Kevin’s wall wearing silk gloves, no, he went through them using a battering ram. Kevin smiles at the memories… Scotty had been like a hurricane rushing through his life. Hot, sweet, infuriating, loveable, sexy, stuck on his principals, free. And he had left Kevin staring at the damages once he was gone.

After Scotty had left, Kevin had felt slightly more daring to be open again. After all, his worst enemy, his father, was no longer there to judge him… But it hadn’t fixed his loneliness.. Going back in the closet with Chad had felt like a like a straightjacket. It had been confining and suffocating.

He couldn’t tell anyone. He couldn’t be proud of who he was or who he was dating. He had to be in the shadows all over again. He was ‘just a friend’, even it was one with benefits or written in italics, because no one believed that he really was ‘just a friend’. His relationship with Chad hadn’t really existed except within the four walls of his bedroom,… And once Chad finally decided to come out, he decided to move on alone.

And Kevin was alone again too, heart-broken over a relationship that never was a real relationship anyway. It had made him decide to never lie or hide either his sexuality or his relationship again. Not that he was looking for one… He had believed that Chad could have ‘the one’…

And then there had been Jason. You would think that being traditional would also mean that perhaps you’d be caring and not too casual in your relationships… So, how could Jason tell him “I love you too” and then completely forget about his existence? How was it possible that he felt like those months with Jason somehow never really happened?

He was in a relationship with Robert’s brother, a McCallister, a minister, someone who said that he believed in tradition, in faithfulness, in commitment. And yet, Kevin has never felt more lonely than he does today. He had left his lover, his boy-friend, the man who’s supposed to be in love with him, a message.

A message about how Justin was in a terrible place, how tough things had been and that he, Kevin, could use a shoulder to cry on… That was more than 24 hours ago… Yet, not a single word from Jason. It’s like he doesn’t care. Not at all. And the feeling of being not just alone, but also very lonely is heavier now than it had been the last few weeks.

He wants to cry, but he’s too tired to do it. He wants to grab the phone and tell Jason to go to hell… but that is perhaps not the wisest thing to say to minister…. He wants to get drunk and forget all about his miserable feeling, but he knows already that he’ll feel just as bad the next morning, only then on top of his loneliness, he’ll also have a hangover.

He crumples up Scotty’s note and takes some coffee that Scotty had made him. Then he straightens the note again and stares at the few friendly words of someone once very dear to him. And he thinks about Jason too. Not one single message. Not on his mobile phone, not on the answering machine. Not a text… just silence… And loneliness…


Tags: character - kevin

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