Behind the mask 07/?
About: Kevin/Scotty and others.
Rate: It will have NC-17 at some point.
Summary: When Scotty has to deal with too many disasters at once, William offers him a solution that will change his life
“Kev, what are you doing here? Didn’t you like it upstairs?” Scotty asks, when Kevin enters the bedroom that Scotty is cleaning...
“I … I wanted to talk to my dad…But… I got a hold of Justin instead… He… He told me that….” Kevin’s voice breaks.
“What did he tell you?” Scotty asks concerned.
“He told me… that … Jase is getting married. This weekend.”
“Jason McCallister. He’s getting married this weekend. I.. I didn’t know that.” Kevin says and his voice sounds defeated. Scotty feels numb. So, this is it. This weekend Chad will become Jason’s husband and everything will be permanently over.
“I want to be alone.” Kevin says. His voice is hoarse.
“Please, leave me.” It’s as close to an order Kevin can get without yelling at him, so Scotty nods and leaves the room. Kevin sinks down on the bed. His good mood of this morning has gone and he feels sick.
Jason. Jason is getting married. To someone else. Naturally. Why shouldn’t he? It wasn’t like he was still Kevin’s boyfriend. They hadn’t spoken to each other in nearly 20 years, so the feeling of betrayal is not logical, but it’s there nonetheless. There’s a side-effect to no longer being numb with medication, you start to feel again.
And it seems as if, for the first in time in years, all of it comes flooding back to Kevin. Not just his own pain, but also Jason’s pain. In his head, he knows that Jason and he had made the only available choice. It had been just inevitable that they should break up. He would have never wanted Jason to be tied up forever to a man as useless as he is.
But in his heart, he still feels like Jason ripped his heart out, stomped on it and left it on the floor for everyone else to walk over it. … Kevin lies down, he wraps his arms around his pillow and he lets the memories come back to him… Now that he can feel them again, he will have no choice by to deal with them.
It’s quiet in the house, which in itself is almost a miracle. The entire family is gathering for the wedding and although Robert’s house, where Jason’s also lives, is big enough, in Jason's mind, his entire family has all moved into his room instead of Robert’s house.
But tonight everyone’s is in church, which gives Jason, who feigned a head-ache, a little time to himself. A little time to reorganize his thoughts. J
ason sits down behind his desk and takes out a small box. He hasn’t looked at the content in too many years, but tonight he yearned for some time to have a look at it in private. He takes the lid off the box and he does it so carefully as if it’s made out of delicate paper instead of sturdy wood.
He swallows hard and takes a deep breath. Beautiful blue eyes, a smiling face, a laughter that could brighten your day…. Kevin… Immediately there’s a tear hanging on Jason’s eyelashes. It’s been so long, yet that picture still touches him whenever he sees it. There are some letters in the box as well.
Little ‘I love you’s written in Kevin’s beautiful handwriting. On the bottom of the box, Jason sees two rings. His and Kevin’s. Their engagement rings. Kevin had given his back to Jason when they broke up. Suddenly Jason’s can’t hold back a little sob. He’s so lost in his pain, that all these little reminders of Kevin bring him, that he doesn’t hear the little knock on his door.
Robert enters anyway, only to find his little brother crying like a baby. He doesn’t have to guess the reason for this sudden outburst. He takes a chair and sits down next to Jason.
“Jase… If you’re not ready..”
“Stop it, Robert! I’m not cancelling the wedding! I’m going to marry Chad!”
Jason’s anger mixed with his tears of pain, makes Robert raise his hands in surrender.
“What’s going on with you? Jason, please, explain it to me.” Robert begs.
“Nothing. I was just … I needed to see … I needed to see Kevin… be reminded of him, hold his ring in my hand. Remind myself that he was real. That he loved me once.”
“I’m not going to ask you to cancel your wedding, but can you at least explain to me why you ever broke up with Kevin, if you still love him so much, that he effects you like this, even though you haven’t seen him in 20 years?”
“We had to. The break up. It was inevitable.”
“Because of his face?”
“Because of everything… I was so insecure. I didn’t think I could love him enough to stay with him. I also couldn’t deal with how he looked. His face all ruined… He had turned into something hideous to a point where I could no longer see Kevin.. but only the scars on his ruined face. I had to quit.”
“Did you break up with him?”
“It was a mutual decision.” Jason says stubbornly.
“One of you had to have come up with the idea.”
“We both thought the same way about it.”
“Come on, Jason! I never betrayed any of your secrets to anyone. Can’t you have faith in me? You two were so much in love. You were never happier than the during your relationship with Kevin. I can still remember when you came in here, telling me that Kevin had proposed to you. You were shining so brightly that I had to put on my sun-glasses!
Then Kevin gets a terrible accident and for two, three months I watch you and Kevin fight so hard to survive. You both try so hard to see each other as much as possible. You work so hard on accepting Kevin, even though he’s disfigured and even though he isn’t easy to live with at times.
And suddenly both of you decide simultaneously to pull the plug on a relationship of nearly 2 years? A relationship that brought both of you so much happiness? … Talk to me, Jason. Maybe it will help if you confide in someone for a change.” He can see Jason struggle with his feelings, so he waits.
“Alright…. We both knew … we couldn’t go on when… Kevin and I, we tried. We tried to get that old feeling back. The love, the care, the … whatever… it was that we lost when Kevin… had his accident…” Jason’s eyes fill with tears. “Robert, what I’m about to tell you, William or the other Walkers cannot be told.
Kevin told me, because it was … important for me to know… He would die of embarrassment if ever anyone would find out that….” Jason stops mid-sentence and Robert wants to shake him so hard and yell at him speak up, but he only bites his lower lip and he waits for Jason to come to terms with whatever is in his head.
“We…” Jason starts, then he stops and searches for words. “I had quite some issues with Kevin’s face. I couldn’t get past how awful it all looked. I tried to hide my feelings, but Kevin could read me like a comic-book, two pages at a time. I couldn’t hide anything from him.
I just felt revolted whenever I had to kiss him or just touch his face. At first there the bandages and the blood and then the cuts and everything. But I felt I owed to Kevin to stand by him. So, I tried to get over it and we tried to be slightly more intimate…. It didn’t work… Nothing happened…”
“With Kevin… He couldn’t … We couldn’t …. I didn’t have the same effect on him anymore?” Jason looks up at Robert and he’s mortified. Robert doesn’t get it. “Kevin didn’t get aroused? Not at all?” Jason tries to explain in more detail.
“Oh, my God!... But… that wouldn’t have had to be a permanent condition?”
“Considering the bad state that Kevin was in, emotionally and physically? The doctor said that he didn’t believe that there would be a chance in Kevin’s condition any time soon.”
“So you gave him up, because Kevin was impotent?” Robert can’t help but sound disappointed.
Jason sighs as if a terrible burden has been lifted from his shoulders.
“I’m sorry, Robert, but I was hardly nineteen years old. Kevin and I… we were always good, sexually. I couldn’t see it… I couldn’t see a life without it…. Not on top of everything else that we had lost…”
“And so you broke up with him?”
“Not exactly… When the doctor had told us the truth, we were both crushed and we both went our separate ways to deal with this bit of news and … when I came back… Kevin said that there we shouldn’t postpone the inevitable…
I said, I agreed that we should cancel our engagement and also our wedding-plans. And Kevin asked if I was sure that we should break up… and I said yes… He told me to leave. And I left…” Jason rubs his eyes. “I left him, Robert… I just walked out… I couldn’t bear to look at him anymore… It hurt so much. All we ever wanted, all our dreams, gone… There was nothing left of anything we had once wanted….”
“Jason,…” Robert tries to reach out to Jason, but Jason shakes his hand away and turns to him.
“I was a kid who was living in a dream-world and when the bubble burst I couldn’t deal with it. I shouldn’t have walked out on Kevin. I shouldn’t have abandoned him. I should have stayed with him, no matter how our lives would have been… Now, it’s too late.”
“It’s not. You can still talk to him…. Apologize… Maybe even rekindle something?”
Jason however shakes his head.
“My marriage is this weekend, Robert. Like it or not, I’m marrying Chad. I’m not walking away from a difficult choice again. My life with Chad won’t be perfect, but I know what I’m doing this time…” Jason shrugs.
Robert closes his eyes, never closer to wanting to strangle Jason. It all makes no sense to him and he’s incredibly annoyed that Jason cannot seem to master enough understanding to see the difference between walking out on Kevin and leaving Chad. And he wonders if perhaps he should just give up trying to stop Jason from marrying Chad…
Scotty sits down at the kitchen table. So, after this weekend, it will be all be over. Chad will never be his again. He knows it’s silly, but he had day-dreamed about Chad showing up, telling him how much he’s in love with Scotty and how he can’t live without him. They’d make love all night long. And he’d be getting married to Scotty, instead of Jason.
But after this weekend, … no more dreams. Panic washes over Scotty. There will nothing left. He rubs his face and he’s shocked by the finality of his own , but it's the awful truth that he hadn't thought of. If Chad marries Jason, it’s the end of everything, because Scotty will never be ‘the other guy’ again.
Kevin lies down on his back and tries to remember all that happened that fateful day, 20 years ago. First thing that Kevin remembers is how the ground just seemed to vanish from underneath him. Impotent! He is only eighteen! He would have his nineteenth birthday next month! These things don’t happen! They cannot happen!
He can no longer hear what the doctor says. The second thing is the look on Jason’s face. Jason is equally stunned by the doctor. Once finished with his verdict – because that’s how it felt like to Kevin, a death-sentence – the doctor leaves them alone and by some unspoken agreement Jason leaves the room momentarily, while Kevin tries to get his mind organized.
Panic, anger, frustration course through him, but he ends up with one feeling. Stupidly, he feels that it won’t make a difference. Jason and he love each other and that’s it. They will get through this. Sure, he’s damaged, confused and he can understand it’s most likely a consequence of the psychological shock, that his body doesn’t function as it should, but it will go away. Eventually. Hopefully.
More than ever he feels the need to marry Jason, as if being with Jason will fix all his problems. Somewhere deep inside, he knows that he’s ignoring the obvious. All he can think of is that they need to get their engagement back on track and move on with their plans to get married…
He ignores the nagging feeling that he’s clutching at straws. Then Jason comes back in and he’s very pale. They know each other so well… Or at least, that’s what Kevin thought.
“I don’t think we should postpone the inevitable.” Kevin remembers saying. He can see Jason nod.
“I agree. We should cancel everything…” The words are spoken so softly, but to Kevin the worlds stops turning.
A FEW DAYS LATER
Chad nervously waits for it all to start. Today’s the day. The big wedding-day that all the paparazzi have been waiting for. Robert enters his room without even bothering to knock, but Chad can’t be too offended.
“Are you ready?” Robert asks.
“Yes, I am.” Chad’s stomach flutters.
“Chad… I hope that you and Jason will have a great day.” Robert says and Chad gives him a bewildered look.
“T… Thank you.” He replies flabbergasted. Robert smiles and leaves again.
Once outside the door, Robert’s smile vanishes and he whispers between clenched teeth.
“Have a great day, Chad, because I’m going to make your life a living hell at every opportunity I get..” He enters Jason’s room.
“How do I look?” Jason asks.
“Very good… Very happy.” Robert adds.
“I am… Robert, thank you for listening to me the other day. You were right, I needed to talk about Kevin, get it off my chest. I’m finally ready to make this work. Chad and I are going to have the perfect relationship…”
Robert watches the smile on Jason’s face and he knows that Jason’s only fooling himself. Yet, he replies with the same fake smile.
“I’m sure you will… I think, I can hear the music starting to play… Showtime! Let’s get you married.” Robert waves at the door that will lead Jason to the church.
END OF CHAPTER SEVEN