About: Basically Kevin/Scotty, taking place between McKitty’s wedding and “Epiphanies”
Summary: "You cannot expect someone to organize his world around you, when you can't even say "I love you"." – Jason to Kevin in 2.01
If Nora was at all surprised to see Kevin come in with Scotty in tow, she didn’t show it. She was aware that Scotty had accompanied Kevin at Kitty’s wedding, but they had both been vague about what was going on. She knew Kevin broke up with Jason. She assumed they just moved cautiously to make sure that a second (or was it third?) heartbreak would not occur between them.
She watched Kevin. He treated Scotty differently than the first time. He was attentive and followed Scotty’s every move. But there was something so reserved about him as well. The problem was that the same thing went for Scotty. The few times she had met Scotty, he’d been young, casual, fresh,… alive! Now, he seemed more calm, more adult and just as reserved as Kevin. She somehow missed the other Scotty she met last year.
The dinner preparations went without a hitch. Just a little family-gathering. Tommy and Julia and Lizzie. Sarah, no kids, they were with Joe. And then Kevin and Scotty. She feared the worst for tonight. Was this just the silence before the storm hit? That was what it usually meant. She sighed and waited how things would unfold tonight.
Scotty quickly set the table. Kevin was supposed to help him, but got a phone-call and was now in heavy argument with someone about a case, they obviously had a difference of opinion about. Anyway, Scotty preferred to do this on his own. He had his own system and he was finished in no-time. One last glance. No, it was perfect. Kevin was still on the phone and Scotty left for the garden.
At the side of the pool it was quiet and calm. The water looked inviting and Scotty sure wouldn’t mind a quick dive. He dreaded this evening. Kevin and he had accepted Nora’s invitation. But after last night, he wished he hadn’t …. He sighed. Everything had been going fairly okay between Kevin and him. Until last night… Last night something went wrong … so wrong…
The tension was in Kevin from the moment he came home. He stayed at the office till late and was not talkative when he finally settled on the couch. Scotty had felt this, but decided to ignore it. He talked about his day off and how he spent it, tried a joke or two, that they didn’t seem to register with Kevin and eventually he fell silent, feeling uncomfortable.
“I’m off to bed.” Kevin eventually said.
“Coming with you…” Scotty replied cheerful, a bit surprised by the sudden quick glance of annoyance on Kevin’s face.
“Whatever you like.” Kevin shrugged.
Scotty came into the bedroom a few minutes later, having first turned off all the lights, checked the locks and the gas, a habit he still had from one of his previous houses. And he was in time to see Kevin, chest bare, in the middle of the room. With the rest of his clothes ending up on a chair, Scotty momentarily enjoyed the little striptease.
He walked over to Kevin, wrapping his arms around Kevin’s waist, leaning over for a kiss, but Kevin turned his head and backed away from Scotty. Scotty let go of Kevin.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Nothing. I’m not in the mood for just sex.” Kevin nearly spat out the words and without further explanation went to the bathroom.
Scotty undressed slowly while Kevin was in the bathroom, something was wrong, but he didn’t know what. Kevin came out of the bathroom and Scotty went in to brush his teeth. When he came back Kevin’s side of the bed was dark. He was on his back staring at the ceiling. Scotty slipped under the blanket and bent over Kevin to kiss him, but Kevin turned abruptly away from him.
Unsettled Scotty picked up his book and tried to read, but he could not stop glancing at that bare back that was so purposely turned to him as if to shut him out. He put his book down again and reached out to caress Kevin’s back, but Kevin made a movement to shake him off. Now Scotty was really concerned. He lay down and crawled a little closer to Kevin. Softly kissing the back of his neck, fingers sliding down Kevin’s arm. He was about to gently nibble at Kevin’s ear, when Kevin turned over and pushed him away. Again.
“Don’t bother, Scotty, I would never want you do anything against your wishes. I never considered you a whore and stop acting like one.” Scotty was totally stunned. More shocking is the fact that Kevin’s sudden harsh words were not said in anger, he was terribly upset and hurt. “You…. You don’t have to have sex with me to have a roof over your head…” Kevin’s voice trembled a bit. “You can stay here as long as you like, although I guess it would be easier, for b..both of us, if starting tomorrow you are back to sleeping on your mattress.”
Scotty looked at Kevin for a few seconds.
“Alright, hold on, what is this about?” he asked.
“I know the truth, alright?” Kevin said, he got out of bed and paced the floor, as if he suddenly had too much energy.
“No, it’s not, what truth are you talking about?”
“I heard you on the phone.” Kevin’s voice was filled with anguish.
“When? Where? What did I say?” Scotty was completely lost as to what this was about.
“The case I’ve been working on turned out better than expected and I could go home early. I just wanted to be with you…” He looked away, shy at this confession.”… I heard you talking in the bedroom, you were lying there and talking to a friend on the phone and you…. You didn’t see me. And that is when I heard you tell him how you felt stuck. That I made you feel cheap and how you didn’t feel like you had choice because right now I am the one giving you a roof over your head…And that there was only sex between us, nothing more…”
Scotty wrecked his brains to remember in what context he could have possibly said those words, which was hard because he spent nearly two hours on the phone with Jordan. Besides, nothing Kevin said made sense, he could not imagine he spoke like that on the phone about Kevin.
“You said,…. you said, I repulsed you.” Kevin added hesitantly and by now Scotty’s jaw dropped.
“I said what ?” Scotty found it hard to disbelieve Kevin because Kevin was too hurt, too upset to be exaggerating, but Scotty could not imagine himself saying the words ‘Kevin repulses me’, for the plain and simple reason that it was not true, he loved Kevin. “Kevin… I don’t know what you think your heard, but I would never have said that , because it is just not true.”
“I heard you loud and clear.”
“Please, Kevin, stop pacing like that! Come here and sit with me.” Scotty begged. Kevin stopped, looked at Scotty. “Please, Kevin, I want to solve this, we need to talk about this and we can’t do with the two of us so far apart. I will not be yelling at you, because the only ones pleased with that would be our neighbors.” Kevin seemed to agree with this, for he got on the bed and Scotty took his hand, guiding him closer and he whispered “Closer.” when he felt that Kevin was still too far away from him. Eventually Kevin straddled Scotty’s legs, more or less forcing Scotty to look up at him.
“Now, please, slowly. I have no idea what you meant. But, be my lawyer and tell me what it is you heard exactly?” Kevin frowned and Scotty knew that this meant that Kevin was really thinking deeply to remember the exact words.
“You said: I don’t know what else to do. I feel stuck… and then you said something I didn’t completely get and finished your sentence with…. I’m sleeping with him, because he gives me a roof over my head and it is so cheap. And you finished with…. It is just sex, nothing more. That is what you said and then… I left.”
Slowly the conversation returns to Scotty and the words fall in to place.
“Kevin, as a lawyer, even you should know all this is circumstantial evidence.” He teased mildly, wanting to caress Kevin’s cheek, but Kevin pushed his hand away.
“Please, Scotty, it’s not a joke to me.” Scotty saw the hurt in Kevin’s eyes and his smiles faded. Kevin was right, the words could be not be considered as funny, particularly not if they were misinterpreted.
“Kevin, I’m awfully sorry you caught that conversation I had with Jordan this afternoon. And yes, I do feel stuck in this relationship sometimes, it’s true.” Kevin opened his mouth to say something, but Scotty pressed his finger gently on Kevin’s lips. “Sshh, I’m talking. … I think you are not yet over Jason, … and that is alright, you need time to let it go. I respect that you don’t lie to me and that you didn’t lie to him.
I have respect for the fact that you don’t simply flick a switch and stopped loving him or started to pretend he never existed, because that is not real. Not if you really loved him as much you claimed you did. You’d be either lying to yourself or everything you had with Jason was a lie. However, there are days when I find it hard to cope with the memory of Jason. I’m not blaming you… or him, just mentioning the fact. Some of his things are still here and I still feel like an intruder sometimes.
So, yes, I do feel stuck, because we cannot move forward until you’ve dealt with your feelings for Jason. But also because I am still worried that one day he’ll return and you will dump me, because now Jason has faded to a memory, but what if you were face-to-face with him again? What if you would see his eyes, hear his voice or remember what it was that attracted you to him? Where would that leave me? There are so many insecurities for me….”
“I’m sorry that you have so many doubts about me.” Kevin said, looking miserable. Scotty wrapped his arms around Kevin’s neck and pulled him closer. This time Kevin didn’t push him away but allowed the soft kiss. Scotty just as quickly let go of him.
“… Jordan said that I should perhaps break up with you and let you get over Jason first and I replied, this is the part you probably didn’t get, that I heard that advice from others, and I also heard “that I’m sleeping with him, because he gives me a roof over my head. I know that that is what some of our friends think.
But I am here because I love to be with you, because as hard as it sometimes is to live with you, the alternative would be to be without you and that would be worse. Jordan told me that a friend of his all but accused me of sleeping with you for your money and a place to stay and that was remark was what was so cheap in my eyes. Jordan decided not talk to him about me anymore and I agreed that if he wants to believe is that we have just sex and nothing more, then so be it. I don’t see any reason in justifying myself to someone who is not important to me.
He is also the one who repulses me. He is very judgmental and can’t keep his hands of other people’s boyfriends, his remarks are always sneers at others and he loves to create problems.”
“So, … we’re alright?” Kevin asked softly. “You don’t resent me?” Scotty shook his head, instead he took Kevin in his arms. Their kiss was long, deep and soft. He could feel Kevin melt in his arms.
Scotty moved his body a bit, so that he could lay down and take Kevin on top of him. He felt Kevin’s full weight on him, crushing him, and it felt good. Kevin broke the kiss.
“Scotty… Are you absolutely sure about this? I don’t want you to do anything against your wishes, I don’t want you to feel obliged… I want you to do this because you want to.”
Scotty gave Kevin his sweetest smile and pulled Kevin’s head down for another kiss.
But Kevin rolled away from him and got to his own side of the bed. Scotty felt cold and alone.
“I’m sorry, Scotty, I am still not in the mood. It’s been a long day. I just want to catch some sleep.” He said apologetic and Scotty decided to take his word for it.
“Can I still sleep here or should I simply move to the couch?” Scotty meant to joke, but his voice was somewhat harsher then he planned. Kevin reached out to him and Scotty came close to him, but Kevin still felt miles away, emotionally. Scotty knew his worry was not over.
From the dining-room Kevin watched Scotty. His hands stuck in his pockets. He didn’t know what to do, what to say. He wanted Scotty in his life, in his bed, included in every detail of his life. Yet, he didn’t want to give off false promises of eternal love, either. He, too, worried if, what he had with Scotty, was just the rebound of Jason or not. All he knew was how he felt. He needed Scotty like a drug.
After weeks of feeling listless, he felt his energy flow again. He memorized Scotty’s work-sheet every week so he let his hours coincide with Scotty’s. He worked late the days that Scotty worked in the evenings. If Scotty would work the afternoons, he’d make his workload such that he would be in time to have dinner with Scotty. His entire day-planning evolved around Scotty’s life and work.
He had noticed this creeping in a few weeks ago. And at first he thought it had to do with his craving for some friendly, human company instead of frozen dinners in front of the tv. He thought he sought Scotty’s company because he missed Jason and when he was with Scotty he forgot all about Jason. Scotty was the one reminding him. Asking him if he heard from Jason. Sometimes asking him if Jason liked some ingredient, vegetable etc, if he was making food to put in the freezer, just in case it would be there once Jason returned.
Scotty occasionally asked if Kevin knew more about Jason’s return, so he would have time to go look for another place to stay and Kevin had caught himself at the thought, that if it didn’t please Jason that Scotty was here, then it was Jason’s problem. Especially by the end of their relationship, Kevin had become less and less charitable in his thoughts about Jason. He sighed. But being angry was not a good reason to string Scotty along….
Which he wasn’t really doing, because he kept no secret from Scotty. He was honest about the moments he was dealing with Jason and he knew it hurt Scotty, but he had to go through it and Scotty knew it to. There were times that Jason was just a name of the past, but there were moments where the failed relationship, where he really put his hopes on, just cut through him like a knife.
Like yesterday morning when he ran into a file that he had been making up, when Jason unexpectedly came to see him. He remembered the flirting across the desk, the remarks with double entendre between them, the hot look in Jason’s eyes and the way he would have loved to drag Jason to men’s room and just take him there…. He was glad he was done early that day. He wanted to be with Scotty after all those strong memories of Jason and hearing Scotty on the phone had been like really cold shower to him….
He had fled back to his office and spent a long time just staring at his screen, a million thoughts tumbling through his head, feeling degutted. He lost Jason. He could not bear the thought of losing Scotty as well. But he didn’t want to keep Scotty in a relationship where he would feel obliged to do things. He wanted Scotty as free-spirited as he was the day he walked into his office for the Mangopian case.
He felt a bit better after their talk last night. And he had given Scotty a way to back out, which he hadn’t taken… Thank God. Instead Scotty had only snuggled closer to him, he was so sweet to Kevin and Kevin so badly wanted to offer Scotty more than a roof over his head and some vague promises, but he just couldn’t.
He walked out into the garden in Scotty’s direction. Again he was amazed by how handsome Scotty was, and in a way, so lonely as well. He was an outsider in this family, still, but he was here for Kevin.
“Hi.” Kevin said. “Carlton sends his regards.” Ah, yes, that was the colleague Kevin had been talking to. “So, how are you feeling?”
“About last night…” Kevin started carefully, taking Scotty’s hands into his own. “I wish I could take your insecurities away. I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me. Jason once said that I could not expect someone to organize his world around me, when I can't even say the words "I love you". It’s just …. I’ve said the words ‘I love you’ too many times and I have heard said to me too many times… I just want you to know that I want you in my life. You are what I need…. I ….” His voice faded. “I want you.”
Scotty nodded in understanding. Yes, the words had lost their shine to him too. Besides, he’d know if Kevin were lying and he didn’t want to catch Kevin at a lie.
“I want you too.” Scotty replied, standing close to Kevin, playing with Kevin’s tie. “And we will get what we want. It just takes time and patience.” His smile was bright and Kevin could no longer resist. There, in the middle of Nora’s garden they kissed, unaware that a few people in the kitchen were looking at them.
They walked back together, smiling at each other. Just before entering again, Scotty kissed Kevin once again,..
“About time you guys came in. We’re starving.” Is the first thing Tommy said.
“Why didn’t you call us?” Scotty asked.
“You guys looked way too serious there.” Sarah replied.
“So, have you found a definition for the word “we”?” Tommy asked curious. Kevin looked at the faces of his brother, his sister, his mother and his sister-in-law. There was so much expectation. Then he turned to Scotty, not knowing what to say and Scotty had no intention to help Kevin with this one. And Kevin came to a decision.
“Alright, let’s make this official. We are a ‘we’, we are lovers and Scotty is my partner. ….my… my boyfriend.”
Sarah hugged Kevin and Scotty and Julia and Nora follow her example.
“Finally! And about time too that you two made up your minds. One of these days you might even make an honest man of my brother.”
“Honest? …Tommy, he’s a lawyer…. Don’t expect the impossible of me.” Scotty joked. They all laughed. And Nora relaxed. This could be nice family dinner after all.