About: Kevin/Scotty mainly
Rate: This chapter: G
Disclaimer: B&S or K/S don't belong to me, but to ABC
Summary: What if Kevin cannot forgive Scotty, can they find their way back to each other? Thanks to FatCat for reminding me of this beautiful Barry Manilow song.
Extra: As this is AU - Jason (and Chad) are not a part of Kevin/Scotty's life. Robert died immediately after the accident.
In last night's episode:
“You’re twisting my words.” Scotty tries carefully. “When we got married…”
“Obviously, the biggest mistake of your life…” Kevin interrupts him sarcastically and Scotty freezes.
“Yes, it was. I can see that now.” Scotty says is an icy voice.
Scotty’s cold reply takes Kevin’s breath away and, for a few seconds , Scotty can almost feel a sadistic pleasure in watching the confusion on Kevin’s face and he feels slightly victorious for being able to do this to Kevin, but the victory is short-lived as the reality of his words quickly sink in. What had he said?
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.” Scotty says. Kevin shrugs indifferently, but Scotty knows it’s just a façade, that Kevin has put up to protect himself. “I’m very tired, that’s all. I’m tired of the waiting, the being caught between hope and despair, the not knowing if we’re through or not. Tired of being scared of every phone-call I miss or official looking letter I get.”
“And I’m tired of not having the answers, of standing there with the phone in my hands and not knowing what to say to you…. I’m tired of closing my eyes and not being able to see anything else, but his hands on your body…. And you…. I see you, and you don’t care that he’s with you.... Our marriage, me, … it doesn’t matter…”
There are tears in Kevin’s eyes, as his voice breaks and Scotty can see him struggle with his emotions.
“It wasn’t like that.” Scotty whispers, trying to get hold of his voice again. “I was hurt when you didn’t show up for the opening….”
“… We just lost our last chance on a child. I wasn’t in the mood to celebrate…”
“Neither was I! This was supposed to be the grand opening, the fulfillment of one of my dreams, but it was clouded by losing another dream, that of holding our child. It wasn’t easy for me either… I needed you…”
“No, you didn’t. You needed the restaurant. You needed something to occupy your mind, so you didn’t have to think about what we had lost. You didn’t need me as a reminder, that we had lost our child.” Kevin replies bitterly and Scotty takes a step back, surprised by his own confusion. Had that really been on Kevin’s mind all along? That he didn’t need Kevin?
“But I did need you.” Scotty repeats weakly. Kevin shakes his head with a sad face.
“No. You’re strong, you’re independent. You never let anything break you. You can cope with anything they throw at you…. I was the one who couldn’t cope…. I was weak.”
Kevin turns his back to Scotty, who gets up and approaches Kevin from behind. For a moment he hesitates, but then he puts his hands on Kevin’s shoulders, and places his cheek on Kevin’s shoulder.
“Not true. You were not weak. I was desperately trying to prove that I was just as strong as you….”
Kevin can’t control the shiver when Scotty touches him. His hands feel so good. He leans in, ever so slightly and for a moment Scotty believes that Kevin will relax in his arms, but instead Kevin picks himself up and turns around to look at Scotty, his face full of deep regret.
“You were stronger than me….. " Kevin says. "You see, I allowed my hope to grow and with every day the pregnancy lasted longer, my daydreams became bigger. I dreamt, about holding our child. I would see other couples with children and I would think that soon I’d have one of my own. We would be complete.
And then the call came from the hospital…. And Michelle… She was so upset.. And the doctor told us that she miscarried… That our hope was gone and …. And you? …You wanted to throw a fucking party!” The anger, the hurt and resentment in Kevin’s voice is so strong that it shocks Scotty.
“You’re making it sound like I … I celebrated the death of our child, rather than the opening of our restaurant…?” Scotty starts to tremble, trying to control the flood of emotions that rages through him. He gets that Kevin is hurt, but this? This is too unfair for words!
“No. Of course not. I mean, logically I knew better, emotionally it was all a blur where us losing our child entwined with your excitement about opening the restaurant… Looking back, I can see those two events as separate things, but at the time, with the emotional rollercoaster we were on…. All I could think of was that I lost my child…”
“And I lost mine.” Scotty points out.
“But you didn’t seem to care. Not like I did.”
“We all deal with our grief in a different way. I couldn’t break down, I had other priorities than my myself. The invitations were made, Saul had put so much time and energy in the restaurant, the staff was ready and waiting, our first reservations had come in. We were ready. It had to be done. Not just for me, but also for all those around me. I couldn’t afford to sit down and think. I had things to do….”
“We lost our child.” Kevin says calmly.
“I know that.” Scotty replies, slightly annoyed that Kevin keeps dwelling on that. “And no amount of sulking about it was going to change that.”
“Sulking? I wasn’t sulking, I was really hurt over this!”
“So was I! You think I never dreamed about being in that kitchen with our child and making pancakes?! You think I never wondered what our child would be like once it grew up? Of course I did! And yes, I too, saw those dreams gone within the space of one phonecall, but….
… I couldn’t stop to think about it. I had to move on. It had to be done. I needed to be at Café 429. I was the boss, I was the chef-cook, I was the one that needed to make the decisions. And if you would have had a job at the time, that would have been the case for you too.
You would have had to drag yourself out of bed in the morning and go to court, because clients depended on you being their lawyer… And you know what? You would have been there, at your job, like I was at mine. And don’t pretend that you would have reacted differently than I did.
You would have been there, because you’re not someone who’ll let other people down. And I’d like to think that I’m not either.” Scotty looks at Kevin, who shakes his head slowly, turns away and seems to think about what Scotty just said. In the silence of the room all they can hear is the clock ticking.
“Maybe you’re right.” Kevin eventually concedes. “And you needed someone by your side that night and that guy was the one? Was that, what it was all about?”
“No. That night I wanted it to be about me. Not about we had lost, but about what we could gain, what we could build. Something positive.
I didn’t want it to be about Robert’s death, Kitty’s grief, Saul’s HIV, Holly’s memory-loss, Justin being in Iraq, Rebecca’s loneliness or the pressure that is put on Sarah. I wanted it to be about me. And I didn’t want it to be about the dream I just lost, but about the other one I was just creating.
I love my life with you. It's beautiful and I cherish it, but that life was not without its problems last year and that night I let the problems get the better of me. My whole life is about you and your family, to a point where it sometimes feels, like you consume all the oxygen in the room.
But that night, for just one night, it would all about me. I wanted to be the star, I wanted to forget the sadness and the loss and have something to look forward to. Instead, you didn’t show up, and it hurt so much, and it all became about you and the fact that you weren’t there. You again consumed all the attention though you weren’t even there.
And then Marcus came and offered to make it all about me… And I needed that, I needed to feel wanted and loved, but… you didn’t want or need me. He did. Or so I wanted to believe. Once it was over, I realized that as much as I had wanted it to be about me, I had wanted to share with you and not just some random guy.
It was the toughest time of our life. We couldn’t be there for each other. What does that say about us? I made a mistake. I should not have slept with that guy. I know. And what hurts even more is, that if I hadn’t told you the truth we would still be together. We would have survived.” Scotty says softly.
“But it would have been a lie.” Kevin immediately reacts.
“Isn’t it weird that we’re in a ‘no win’ situation here? I agree, if I hadn’t told you the truth, everything else would have been a lie, but when I told you the truth, it also destroyed us.”
“That’s the problem with cheating: you lose regardless of what you do. Someone loses something…. You shouldn’t have done it in the first place.” Kevin sighs, but to Scotty, it doesn’t sound like reproach anymore, but more some resignation that it happened and can’t be undone. Scotty sighs as well.
“It was a stupidity and no one regrets it more than I do. I want you back. I want to get through this with you. I don’t want to be without you.” Scotty moves closer, lifts up his hand and caresses Kevin’s face, but Kevin turns his head away.
“Don’t… This is not the solution.” Kevin refuses.
END OF PART 4