Disclaimer: Seriously, if they were, they wouldn’t have needed this fanfic, so, no, Brothers & Sisters is not mine.
Summary: Patience – Sometime you need it, sometimes you lose it.
Extra: I strongly believe that you should read "Patience" before reading "X-rated".
Kevin slams the door behind him and Scotty cringes. He wonders if he should say something or just let it blow over. It's so hard to decide these days.
“I’m sorry.” He then says. Kevin is about to reach for something in the fridge and he sees Kevin back stiffening. Oh, no, here it comes!
However, it doesn't come, because Kevin calmly closes the door and throws some sandwiches on the sink, before he turns around:
“It’s not your fault.” His words are way too calm and his body is too rigid. He’s obviously controlling himself to the maximum of his ability. Scotty sighs.
“I want you to talk to me, yell at me, say something…” Everything in Kevin’s attitude shows how hard it is to not lose his self-control.
“What do you want me to say, Scotty? Say it and I will say the words you want to hear.” He replies, picking a knife to butter the sandwiches.
“I don’t want you to say, what you think I need to hear, I want you talk about what happened tonight and why you’re so angry!” Kevin carefully puts down the knife.
“What?! And consume all the fucking air in this relationship, so you can’t breathe?!”
“Don’t do this.” Scotty whispers.
“Do you need this argument to have a good excuse to cheat on me again? I hate to point the obvious to you, but the waiting staff is already gone. You’re going to have to look somewhere else if you need to get groped by some twenty-something kid.”
“That… that is unfair.” Scotty says quietly, tears filling his eyes.
“Unfair?! It was hard enough that your friends needed to discuss the topic of infidelity, but I cannot decide what topic can or cannot be discussed at other people’s places. Then, I had to sit there and listen to how your friends were saying, that our marriage was perfect and smile as if they were right.
I’m the one who had to sit though all the compliments thrown at your address for being great and perfect, just to hear them say how lucky I am to have you and, icing on the cake, how if anyone would cheat in our relationship it would be me… considering my past with Chad and Jason… which, by the way, they knew a surprising amount of details of, things that I had even forgotten about!
I’m the one who had to listen to their stupid jokes, about how hard it was for me to remain faithful, with you sitting there, taking in all the compliments like you fucking deserved them.” Scotty closes his eyes. He knows that’s not true and apparently Kevin realizes that to, for he continues:
“Yes, I did notice the few attempts you and Jordan made to change the subject.. I presume Jordan is the only one of your friends who knows the truth about us?” Kevin bites. Scotty nods. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Isn’t it amazing how well your friends know every single mistake I’ve made to the last detail.
That they know exactly how and with who I cheated on my boyfriends, a closeted actor who didn’t recognize my existence or a priest who couldn’t be bothered to reply once to my hundred phone-calls, but none of them knows that you cheated on me, your husband, the man you’re married to?
What? It didn’t fit into the profile of yourself? The image you want your friends to have of you? Because it’s all so easy to point all the obvious things that are wrong about me? and God knows I have plenty of them. You must have had enough stuff there to complain and laugh about!
But, heaven forbid, they would find out that you’re not as picture-perfect as you present yourself to be! … And you know what bugs me even more? I kept my mouth shut! I bit my tongue, Scotty, all night! Because I understood that you hadn’t told them about Marcus and I didn’t want to make a scene in front of your friends.
And a part of me is happy they don’t know, because it’s embarrassing to be the schmuck that got cheated on and to not even realize, for ten fucking months, that he had been cheated on….” He suddenly see the sandwich before him and shoves it away with such violence that the plate slides of the sink and crashes on the floor.
Scotty steps back, for a second afraid that Kevin will have a swing at him as well, but Kevin seems to have put all his frustration in that one last push, because when he turns back to Scotty, his anger seems gone and he looks completely defeated.
“And I let them… I let them laugh at me….” Kevin’s voice is so soft.
The silence between them is suffocating Scotty, but he cannot think of anything to say.
“I … I have still have some work to do.” Kevin eventually says, pointing at the door of his office. “Goodnight.” Scotty sees him walk away and then he hears the door of Kevin’s office close and the silence is back.
As if he’s on automatic pilot, Scotty picks up the pieces of the floor and throws them in the waste bin. He cleans the floor, washes his hands, checks the kitchen, fridges are closed, freezers closed, gas turned off, no dishes left to wash, all the laundry ready to be taken away tomorrow morning.
Scotty works through his daily routine, until there’s nothing left to do, but go upstairs and go to bed. The door to Kevin’s office is still closed and it’s quiet behind the door, there’s not light shining from underneath it… and Scotty desperately ignores the thought that Kevin will be sleeping in his office tonight.
These last two weeks, since Kevin came back, their emotions had been up and down. They had tried not to fight, but hadn’t always been successful. They had tried to not remember and dwell on it, but they had failed there as well. It had been the topic that they should have talked about, but never really had.
Kevin had not wanted to know, Scotty had not wanted to tell. They had both known that it had happened, they had known each other’s feelings on the topic of …. It… Not talking about ‘it’ had seemed like the perfect solution, because, this way, they had not needed to deal with ‘it’. But ‘IT’ refuses to go away.
For a moment, Scotty considers barging in, continue the fight, pushing the issue, but ultimately he doesn’t dare to, afraid he will push Kevin away even further. With a sigh, he climbs the stairs to their apartment. He doesn’t turn on the lights, but he goes straight to the bedroom.
It’s only there that he realizes what tonight means. Once again, alone in that cold bed. Once again, Kevin alone on his uncomfortable couch. Once again, waking up in the middle of night reaching out to someone who just isn’t there…. Nausea hits Scotty so suddenly and with so much force that he runs into the bathroom and empties his stomach…
It isn’t until he’s sure that he has nothing left, that he takes a glass of cold water to clear the awful taste in his mouth. He leans back against the cold wall, slowly slides down until he sits on the cold floor. He feels hot and cold at the same time and also too sick to get up and clean up…
The tears come without warning. All of tonight’s tension just flows out of him. He had not wanted to go, but they had agreed long before he told Kevin about his infidelity. He had offered Kevin a way out, by suggesting that he would say that Kevin had to work, but Kevin had refused, tired of being seen as a workaholic.
Once at his friends’ place, he had felt this growing unease, but indeed the discussion about infidelity had really shifted the mood… His sobs are loud in the small, quiet bathroom, so he doesn’t hear anything until the toilet suddenly flushes. When he looks up he sees Kevin.
With confusion he watches how Kevin cleans up the area around the toilet, washes his hands, takes a guest-towel, pushes it under the cold water until it’s completely wet, only to wring most of the water out of it and turn to Scotty. Still Scotty’s brains cannot seem to make the connection, until Kevin kneels down and presses the cold, wet cloth to Scotty’s warm face.
Scotty lets Kevin wipe away the tears and then he takes the towel from Kevin’s hands to press it to his face, like a cold compress. He’s aware that Kevin sits down next to him, puts an arm around him and holds him. Slowly Scotty calms down as well. It’s very quiet in the bathroom except for the occasional sob from Scotty.
Kevin is the first one to break the silence.
“I’m sorry… I had no right to get this angry at you.”
“You were right. Tonight was awful. My friends were rather mean to you. I should have said something. I should have told the truth.”
“It’s okay. Let’s forget it.” Kevin suggests, but Scotty shakes his head.
“I owe you an explanation. I never meant to make myself look better than you. I never told anyone else, except Jordan, because I’m so terribly ashamed of what I did. I didn’t want them to know how close I came to screwing up one of the best things in my life.
I’ve been so afraid that I would lose you. I owe so much to you. You were my inspiration to make something of my life. You gave me a home, a roof over my head, security. You proposed to me. Not once, but twice. You never gave up on me, you supported me. And I nearly threw everything away for a meaningless one-night thing with someone complete unimportant.”
“I should have been there for you that night.”
“We just lost our babies, was it really fair of me to expect that you’d be ready for a celebration?” Scotty wonders. Kevin doesn’t reply immediately. He isn’t sure himself. It had been such a dark time and place to be.
“I could have made an effort. Show my face. Tell you how proud I was of you. Which I was. And still am. I’m so incredibly proud of what you have accomplished.”
“I should have known that… It was just… the restaurant had become my way of coping with our loss.
I was so invested in it. I wouldn’t have to deal with the loss of our children, the accident, Robert in a coma, Justin back at war,… just as long as I was thinking and worrying about the restaurant. I couldn’t understand why it was not as important to you as it was to me… but now I can see that you buried yourself in your work as much as I did.”
“It all so depressed me. Case after case of parents who wouldn’t pay child-support, abused their kids, abandoned them … and there I was, wanting a child so badly not being able to understand why people would throw away something, I wanted to have so badly and couldn’t get.” Kevin shakes his head and Scotty gently caresses his face.
“We will have a family one day. I promise.”
“I know. I just know it all, but … sometimes everything gets so sad and I forget.” Kevin replies. “And there are the things that I just cannot seem to forget, no matter how hard I try. Like you and Marcus.”
“I’m sorry…” Scotty answers. Kevin nods, that he heard.
“I know. I know you are. I know I hurt you too. I know that you would do anything to undo what you did. But you can’t. No more than I can still show up for the opening night of this restaurant.
We both made mistakes, decisions we can’t take back or change, only apologize for, ask forgiveness for and try to put behind us, but it’s so hard sometimes.”
“I sometimes still get mad and hurt that you didn’t show up for the opening.” Scotty confesses quietly.
“I can still kick myself for not showing up. Can’t undo it.”
“I’m so sorry that I cheated on you. I can’t under that either. It happened.” The silence that hangs between them is heavy and only enhanced by the bathroom that seems to echo the silence as much as it would the noise.
Kevin opens his mouth, as if he wants to say something, then closes it again. He bites his lip for a second, as if he questions his decision. Scotty waits, somehow feeling that Kevin is struggling to get to something.
“I want to know.” Kevin eventually says.
“What?” Scotty asks.
“What happened between you two.” Kevin replies, but everything in his voice and attitude shows that he doesn’t agree with himself.
“Are you sure?” Scotty therefore asks.
“No.” Kevin answers honestly. “But it’s the only thing that we haven’t discussed…. I did not want to know about…” Kevin corrects himself, not wanting to put all the blame on Scotty. “I’m still not sure if I do, but we have to address this, or it will keep hanging between us.”
“Trust me. I don’t really want to talk about it either. Like I said before, I’m not very proud of what I did that night, but… I agree… this is hanging between us.” Scotty sits up and wraps his arms around himself. Kevin is still beside him, but somehow there seems to be miles of distance between them suddenly.
“Fine.” Scotty starts in a neutral voice, though he shivers a bit as his stomach seems to protest again. “…I.. ahm.. He had made some compliments to me earlier about my looks, about my work and how he hoped that the food would taste as good as it looked… And I felt flattered. I knew he was flirting with me, but … It’s not like I planned anything…
Anyhow… it got late and I started sending staff home, Marcus stayed, waiting on the last few people still hanging at the bar, I send the last one of the kitchen-staff away, saying I’d take care of the rest, Marcus gently ushered the last people out the door and locked up….”
Scotty gives Kevin a quick glance, realizing how much it sounds like Marcus and he were a good team. Kevin is obviously annoyed when he catches Scotty looking at him, but not for the reason Scotty thinks.
“It should have been me doing that.” Kevin answers.
Aware that Kevin is blaming himself, Scotty shakes his head.
“No. I should have send Marcus home, like the rest of the staff and I should have gotten rid of the last customers myself. I’m a big boy and I could have easily done it myself, but I …. I guess a part of me wanted Marcus to stick around...
I didn’t plan anything… It was just that, his flirting had amused me, the fact that he had teased me had lifted my spirits and I felt like I owed him at least the drink, he had offered me.” For a moment Scotty smiles at the memory, then the smiles fades as quickly as it came.
“We had a drink in the kitchen and we just talked. Chit-chat. Nothing important.”
“Did you tell him you were married?” Kevin asks carefully. Scotty shakes his head.
“He didn’t ask. I didn’t volunteer the information either.” Scotty replies honestly, before he continues:
“He got me a second drink and sat down at my side of the table. By the third drink he asked me something about the menu. That’s when sat down close to me, close enough to touch me... Just casually at first, but I didn’t tell him to stop…. I should have… but didn’t…. I knew what he was doing, but I felt I could still control the situation…
But then he got even closer to me, teasing me, flirting with me, I can’t even remember what we talked about, … and then.. .he kissed me… And I let him…” Somehow Scotty expects Kevin to jump up and yell that he doesn’t want to know more, but instead, Kevin lets his head hang and breathes slowly.
“What happened next?” Kevin eventually asks and Scotty isn’t sure that he should say more. He can almost feel the wall that Kevin has built for himself.
“Kev… maybe…” Scotty starts hesitantly, but Kevin shakes his head.
Scotty takes a deep breath. He tries to make himself even smaller by wrapping his arms even tighter around his knees. He start to rock back and forth a bit.
“I …. Let him kiss me… we.. got aroused…. I ended up on the floor, underneath him and he .. touched me and I … ahm…”
Scotty can’t go on, he’s too embarrassed to discuss it any further, but Kevin presses the matter.
“Did he satisfy you with his hand?” He asks in a strangled voice. Scotty shakes his head.
“Otherwise?” Scotty nods, looking even more embarrassed.
“His mouth?” Kevin asks and he seriously does not want to know the answer, his entire body displays his resistance. Scotty nods again, a haunted look in his eyes…
“Did you do the same for him?” Kevin can’t bear to look at Scotty.
“Yes.” Scotty whispers and he feels as if he’s about to throw up again.
“Did he…? Did he come….?” Kevin can’t finish his question.
“He pushed my head away.” Scotty replies stiffly. Kevin nods, feeling sick.
“Did you do the same with him?”
“He wouldn’t let me.”
“Did anything else happen?”
“You didn’t let him… inside you… in any other way?”
“You with him?”
“That was it?”
“Yes. It was enough.” Scotty now replies, all choked up.
For a few moments there’s nothing, just their breathing as they both try to deal with what just happened. Eventually Scotty dares to look at Kevin and a fraction of second later, Kevin looks at him as well.
“Kev…?” Kevin can see the fear in Scotty’s eyes. The fear that he might lose everything again.
He knows he should say something to take Scotty’s fear away, but he can’t think of anything. His head is empty, or maybe too stuffed with information. He can’t tell.
“I think we'd better get of this cold floor.” He suddenly says, getting up. The change is a bit too sudden for Scotty and he stares up at Kevin.
Kevin reaches out to him. Scotty takes his hand and lets Kevin pick him up. For a moment they stand face to face, their hands still in each other, but Kevin lets go and backs away. Scotty follows him into the bedroom. Kevin doesn’t say anything. Instead he just turns around and leaves the bedroom.
Scotty feels like he can’t breathe. Not again! Not again endless cold lonely nights without the man he loves beside him. He lifts his hands in frustration. He should go after Kevin, but he can’t move. He can’t even cry anymore. The pain is too much, too overwhelming. He just can’t seem to do the right thing for Kevin….
The door opens again and Kevin enters. His appearance is so unexpected that Scotty gasps at the shock.
“Scotty?” Kevin asks surprised.
“I thought… you w-went back.. to sleeping d-downstairs…” Scotty stutters.
In two steps Kevin crosses the room and takes Scotty in his arms.
“No, baby.” He sooths, holding Scotty close. “I just went to get my coat. True, I needed a moment to collect myself, but…. I’m sleeping here tonight…. I’m not going to let Marcus win anymore.”
“I thought that after all I had told, you’d hate me.”
“No, it’s not like I didn’t know it had happened. The details were difficult to get through, but I’m here. I’m not going anywhere…. Come on. It’s been a long evening. Let’s just get some sleep, … please.”
Scotty nods, and though he’s still upset, he starts to undress, unaware of the look on Kevin’s face as he watches Scotty undress… Kevin sighs, he can only imagine how much Marcus wanted Scotty. He’s looks amazingly good. Their eyes meet and Scotty gives Kevin a watery little smile.
Scotty sighs, wondering if he should simply stay on his own side of the bed or if Kevin has cooled off enough for him to be closer to him. The answer comes unexpectedly as Kevin turns over and wraps an arm around Scotty and snuggles up close to him. Scotty relaxes almost immediately.
He shifts a bit as well, so he can wrap his arm around Kevin. He kisses Kevin’s hair.
“We still have a long way to go, don’t we?” He asks quietly.
“We’ll get there.” Kevin replies with confidence.
“Of course. It will take patience though and a lot of love….” Kevin starts softly and then a bit more teasing: “…maybe some hot sex occasionally…”
“I’m all for that.” Scotty smiles.
“Maybe we should change that to ‘hot sex as often as possible’.” Kevin suggests.
“Where do I sign?” Scotty replies eagerly and they both laugh.
“I’ll draw up a contract tomorrow. Right now I’m too tired.”
“For being so angry at you tonight.”
“You had every reason to… Don’t worry, I will tell my friends the truth, so that they know not to do this again.”
“Don’t. I’m fine with it now. It felt like it was all about humiliating me, it really hurt that they believed that I would be the first one to cheat.
But now that I’m cooled of I can see that you didn’t want to tell them, because of how it all makes you feel, I’m fine with it. It’s our marriage, not theirs. You don’t owe them any explanations.”
“I just don’t want them to be so cruel to you.”
“Listen, They’re wrong. I love you. That’s all they need to know about us.” Kevin replies defiantly and Scotty kisses him again. Kevin closes his eyes, holding Scotty close. It was an emotional evening, but not as bad as he had feared. He had imagined that a lot more had happened between Scotty and Marcus.
Painful as Scotty’s answers had been, it had also diminished all the ideas that Kevin had had in his head. He replies distractedly to Scotty’s kiss and lets his head rest against Scotty’s shoulder.
“I love you.” He mumbles as he drifts off to sleep.
Scotty can hear Kevin’s breathing and he’s happy Kevin has had this outburst. Scotty had been waiting for this one for quite a while and he’s happy it’s past. The air between them has been cleared considerably and as painful as it had been to remember, he’s sure it was for the best. He holds Kevin even tighter and then allows himself to fall asleep as well.