Forgiven, not forgotten.
By Marea67 About:
: G. Disclaimer:
Seriously, guys, if they WERE mine, they’d be fucking each other senseless, and NOT be talking. Summary:
It ain’t easy …. **** FOLLOWS A SCENE FROM 5.07, SO **** SPOILERS
something… You can forgive me…?” Scotty says, slightly hopeful. Kevin doesn’t reply straightaway, the doubt is still on his face and it breaks Scotty’s heart to see it. “Kev, I can’t make you forgive me, with you sleeping on Kitty’s sofa and you ignoring my existence when you are here and … I miss you. So much.”
Kevin takes a step closer to Scotty. Scotty remains motionless. He knows that Kevin needs to take the first step now. Kevin hesitantly takes Scotty’s hand.
“I don’t know if I can, but I want to try.” He replies, not willing to give Scotty false hope.
“Will you … stay tonight?” The fear for a rejection is clearly visible in Scotty’s eyes.
Kevin nods, unable to speak. They stand so close that Kevin can feel Scotty’s warm breath on his face. Scotty takes Kevin’s chin, forcing him to look up at Scotty.
“Can I kiss you?” Scotty ask. Kevin nods again. Scotty places his hands on Kevin’s shoulders. He can feel Kevin get all tensed.
Kevin closes his eyes, his lips part. Their kiss is just a caressing of lips. Neither of them dares to push the other one too much. Kevin doesn’t back away at first, but his body is rigid and Scotty wonders if he should try again. Kevin places his hand on Scott’s chest.
“I need to call Kitty. Let her know… So she can lock up.”
Scotty nods and watches as Kevin walks away in the direction of his office. He checks if everything is turned off and the lights are out. Then, assuming Kevin is done calling, he approaches Kevin’s office. The door is open. He can hear Kevin talking to Kitty. Their conversation isn’t over yet.
“No, Kit, I’m grateful for your offer, but seriously, lock up the house, I’m not coming over to see you… No, if it doesn’t work out, if I can’t sleep in Scotty’s bed, I can sleep on the couch in the office, don’t worry. …” Scotty feels a stab of pain in his chest. It’s not his
bed, it’s theirs
. Disappointed that Kevin makes such a difference, he turns away and goes upstairs.
Kevin is ready to hang up.
“Kit, bottom line is that I simply love Scotty. I have
to make this work, because he means everything to me. That’s all there is to it. Don’t worry. I can do this.” He hangs up, straightens his back and takes a deep breath, before going upstairs as well.
When he enters the bedroom, Scotty exits the bathroom. They don’t talk. Kevin goes in and brushes his teeth, he returns to the bedroom and starts to undress. When he shyly looks at Scotty, he can see Scotty look away, as if he’s caught doing something illegal. A part of Kevin wants to say that this is all just too ridiculous for words.
But instead, he remains quiet, sits down on his side of the bed and lies down. Scotty is now next to him, but they could as well have been in two separate rooms. Scotty feels completely blocked. He doesn’t know how to take the first step. Is he even allowed to, after his cheating, to take the first step?
Kevin realizes that he will accomplish nothing by lying on his back and staring at the ceiling. He wills himself to turn to Scotty and Scotty, seeing that Kevin makes a move in his direction, immediately turns to his side as well, so they can look at each other. The silence between them is suffocating.
“I’m scared.” Kevin admits quietly.
“I feel like I can’t take the first step. Like I gave up my right or something like that.”
“We don’t have to do
something, now do we? I mean, we can just sleep
together.” Kevin can see that his suggestion is not what Scotty had hoped for.
“Sure, whatever you want.” Scotty replies, holding back his thoughts. Kevin notices it.
“Oh! Am I ‘consuming all the oxygen’ again? Defining the rules of the debate? I would appreciate it you told me so, rather than….” Kevin bites his lip, sits up and wraps his arms around his knees.
“… fuck the waiter?” Scotty finishes his sentence. Kevin’s sarcasm gets the better of him.
“I hope not the same one. He was such a prick!” is his heartfelt comment.
“I have to admit I kinda liked the one you chose for me a lot better.… That other guy, whose nose you nearly broke….?” Scotty carefully teases.
Kevin looks at him, unable to hide his embarrassed smile.
“I have a good taste in men. Look at who I married.” He then quips back. Scotty’s own smile becomes a little more embarrassed at the compliment. Kevin lets himself fall back on the bed.
“This is all so awkward.”
“I know.” Scotty agrees. “I don’t know what to say, what to do.”
“This feels likes the awkward first time you date, first time you look at each other naked, where you’re peeking at the other one, hoping the result won’t be disappointing.”
Scotty can’t help but chuckle at the comparison, and Kevin joins him at first, but then becomes more serious.
“Scotty, when I peek at you now, I don’t like what I see.” Kevin says. His voice isn’t harsh and Scotty sees that he’s not trying to be mean.
“When I look at you now, …” Kevin continues, “… I see someone who cheated, who kept that from me, who masked his own feelings, who just …. gave up.”
“You’re not who you used to be.” Kevin sees Scotty’s questioning frown.
“You’re the one,…” Kevin starts to explain. “.. who pointed out to me that I was ‘trying to pass’. The one who teased me into a date, the one who turned down a date because you didn’t want to get paid for it. You wouldn’t allow me to wallow in self-pity because I missed Jason…. You crashed my ‘tea-party’ with him….”
Scotty can see the smug little smile on Kevin’s face and he’s amused by the memory as well.
“What I mean is, when did I suddenly become this terrible, awful person that you no longer dare to speak up to me?”
“You didn’t. I …. I guess I just got tired of speaking up… and after the cheating… I felt so guilty, that it was almost as if I had lost my right to speak up…. And then it only got worse. You got into an even darker place and the distance between us got even bigger… I didn’t recognize you anymore.”
“You may not have recognized me then
, I don’t recognize you now
…. It’s like I have to get to know you all over again…”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’m not the perfect person, you thought I was.” Scotty replies, surprised by his own bitterness.
“I don’t think you’re perfect, I never did. But I’ve always believed that, between the two of us, you were the better man.”
“I’m not. I’m just a
man.” Scotty says sadly. Kevin feels slightly guilty for Scotty’s sadness and playfully taps his nose.
“You’re my man. That’s all I want you to be. My man.” Kevin’s smile is sweet and Scotty nods, understanding what Kevin is saying. Kevin presses his lips to Scotty’s. It’s not a very tender kiss, because Kevin is holding back, but Scotty can taste the underlying desire.
“I’m tired.” Kevin says, his mouth close to Scotty’s. “Completely drained. I’ve spent too many nights on Kitty’s couch, missing you. I want to be here. I’m just not ready… to take it further… There are still things I haven’t resolved… And I have to fix my mistakes….”
have to fix our
mistakes…” Scotty corrects. “I’ve made them too.”
have to fix our
mistakes…” Kevin repeats. “.. but can we first get some sleep?”
“Yes, please… Will you stay here?.. I heard you tell Kitty, that if you couldn’t do it, you’d sleep in your office…” Scotty explains.
“If you don’t mind. I’d rather be here
“… And it’s our
bed, not Scotty’s
bed.” Scotty points out. It takes Kevin a few seconds to understand what it's about.
“You’re right.” Kevin acknowledges. “See, that wasn’t so hard, now, was it?”
“Oh, shut up.” Scotty whispers with a smile. Kevin turns around and Scotty spoons up against him, his arm tightly around Kevin.