Disclaimer: Not mine. If they had been, THIS would NEVER have happened. :(
Summary: scene from between the end of 5.05 and the start of 5.06 **** CONTAINS SPOILERS!!!! ****
Extra: It would seem that Barbra Streisand - Left in the dark, a song that has haunted me since the 80s, has been a lot on my mind a lot these last few weeks.
“I did something, Kevin. There is someone else.”
“What do you mean?”
“It was one time. It was months ago. I didn’t want to hurt you, so I didn’t tell you. I would do anything in the world to take it back. I’m so sorry…. Say something.”
But what do you say? What can you say? Kevin feels empty. It’s past two in the morning and he still can’t sleep and not only because the couch in his office is very uncomfortable.
He has no voice. He wants to scream, but there’s just no voice. Scotty was right. They can’t fix this. They can never, ever fix this.
I’m so sorry.
Yes, Kevin knows those words. He had said them too. Lovers, boyfriends, … Chad... Jason… And he had meant them…. Every time. ... He’s sure Scotty means them too…. It doesn’t make it better. It still hurts. Well, he knows it should hurt, but he doesn’t feel anything. It’s like the pain is too big, he can’t take it. He can’t control it. It suffocates him. It’s slowly crushing him to death…
I did something, Kevin.
He imagines someone else’s hands on his husband’s body and he shakes his head. He can’t handle the image. He knows he shouldn’t think about it, but it’s unavoidable. The thought of someone touching Scotty, intimately, makes him feel ill. He gets up. moves away from the hard couch and paces the floor, afraid that if he lies down again, he’ll throw up.
At the same time, he’s afraid that if he doesn’t lie down, he will collapse. It’s been an emotional day. His attempt to support Nora, that had lead to his own realization… On the way back, he kept remembering how much Scotty had wanted to try again, but Kevin had been too afraid of the pain of another disappointment.
With so many children needing love and a safe place, he had dared to daydream again about the possibilities they had… He had expected to find Scotty ready for this, like he had seemed to be all these last few months, when Kevin wasn’t ready. Kevin had believed that Scotty would be so happy for finally getting, what he had wanted all along.
He had finally dared to dream again and then Scotty had crushed everything with a few simple words, that had obliterated all the joy and hope that Kevin had felt.
He sits down, his arms against his belly, rocking back and forth. He wants to cry, let out the pain, but it’s just not happening. There’s only a little strangled moan. It’s a quiet sound and yet it almost spooks Kevin.
He lets himself fall sideways, his head hits the pillow. He pulls the blanket around him for some warmth, but he’s cold inside. He makes himself as small as possible in an attempt to not feel so lonely, but all the tricks he learned during his lonely years no longer work.
He misses Scotty, Scotty's body pressed against his… That same body Scotty gave to someone else…. He still loves Scotty, he knows he does, but at the same time he hates Scotty for what he has done and for the pain he can inflict on Kevin, when, yet, all Kevin can do is just still love him.
It was months ago…
Months? Really? Months?! How come he had never noticed? He used to be able to pick out the cheaters rather quickly. He was a good lawyer, with a good memory and he was always ready to see the lies… But he had trusted Scotty unconditionally, he had never considered to look for lies. How can he ever trust Scotty again after this?
He cannot imagine a life without Scotty, but right now, he cannot imagine a life with him either.
I didn’t want to hurt you, so I didn’t tell you.
Well, that didn’t work, did it? Because it hurts like hell. It must be the sickest joke. “I didn’t want to hurt you, …” and in his attempt to not hurt Kevin, he stabbed Kevin in the heart with a blunt knife. How considerate! Anger flares up, but disappears again as quickly as it came.
He knows that Scotty wouldn’t hurt him on purpose. Somewhere he knows that Scotty just tried to be honest… but to know that, it doesn’t dull the pain, it doesn’t take away the betrayal and it doesn’t make Kevin feel better about Scotty right now.
I would do anything in the world to take it back.
But you can’t. You never can. You cannot undo what has been done. You can only live with it. Or chose not to and break up. But you can never take it back. Kevin knows. He had felt the same when he had cheated on Jason. He wish he hadn't done it. Done things differently. Not that he had regrets over his night with Scotty, but just…. He should have made other choices.
He had known that he was no longer in love with Jason. He had known that he was in love with Scotty… Again! ... Or was it ‘still’?... He should have broken up with Jason first and then ask Scotty to come back, but life had taken another direction.
However, Kevin had been in love with Scotty, but Scotty had made it clear that the ‘somebody else’ had only happened once. So. Scotty wasn’t in love with that guy. It was just physical…
But what if Scotty still thought about him? What if he still wanted to be with that guy, but Scotty didn’t want to hurt Kevin either? It had been Kevin’s dilemma with Jason. He had really liked Jason, he never intended to hurt Jason… It must be the sickest joke.
I’m so sorry…. Say something.
What can you say?
Kevin closes his eyes tightly and tries to find some sleep.
And whatever you got and whoever it was
I guess you couldn't get it from me
I guess you couldn't get it from me
But down in my soul, down in my soul
I know that you love me
There's no need to talk
I see the look in your eyes and I got the proof
And there are no lies on your body
As I watch you undress oooooh
I just want to get at the truth
“Left in the dark” - Barbra Streisand