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welcome to my fantasies
14th-Oct-2010 10:42 am
kevin yellow


By Marea67
: Kevin
Rated: G
Disclaimer: I don't own B&S, and at this point I'm glad I don't.
Summary: A little look into Kevin's mind. SPOILERS FOR SEASON 5


“Thank you for the information.” Kevin says and he throws his phone back on his desk. He rubs his face, tired with the long day that he’s had. He closes the file in front of him, with a slow deliberate move. This was the last job for today and this means that he’s free for the rest of the night.

There was a time when he would enjoy that thought. An evening to himself, time to himself… but not anymore. Because it means that he’ll be stuck in a place where he can think and he doesn’t want to think, but he has never learned how to switch off his brain, only how to numb it with alcohol.

He pours himself a drink, the strong taste on his tongue makes him cringe. He hasn’t eaten yet, but cannot bring up the courage to go downstairs and see if Scotty has something to eat, because it means facing Scotty… and facing that hurt look in his husband’s blue eyes.

The look that lets Kevin know, that Scotty knows, that he’s excluded from what goes on in Kevin’s mind. And Kevin knows how much Scotty hates that, but he cannot stop it from happening. It’s too complicated. Too strong. Too weak. Too many dreams. Too many disappointments.

It’s the not knowing how to move on and but also knowing, that he’s not able to go back. The babies are gone. Their chances are gone. Their money is gone. Their dreams are gone. He closes his eyes, but immediately opens them again and he sighs in his drink and takes another sip. It burns. Numbs the pain.

He’s tired, but when he closes his eyes again, he sees his dream. He can hear laughter, he can see the sun set, he can see a swing in a garden or a playground and Scotty holding up their child… He can almost feel the warmth of the fading sun on his face and he knows that in this fantasy he’s laughing as well, filled with pride and joy…

He blinks and the image in strong yellow-red colors gets replaced by his make-shift office. He swallows hard and tries to get rid of this feeling of loss, that is so strong that it nearly makes him feel sick. He had never known that a longing could be this strong or that it could have such an physical impact on him.

He rubs his face again, but more to quietly wipe away his tears, than to wake up. It’s the letting-go of that image in his head that is the hardest to do. He had it the first time when he just found out that Michelle was pregnant. It left him a while, after Michelle called to say she had lost their child…

Then it came back, full force, haunting him, making him feel how insignificant he really is, because there’s absolutely nothing he could have done to prevent Michelle from losing the baby. And at the same time he feels guilty. Guilty, because all this is his fault.

He was the one who wanted this child so badly… He had been who had managed to convince Scotty. Finally. … And Scotty had been so happy when Michelle got pregnant… and then it failed and he hurt Scotty. If he hadn’t been so pushy about this topic, Scotty wouldn’t have had to go through it.

Kevin places the drink on the desk, though he’s still not numb enough. How was it possible that Julia could have gotten pregnant so easily? Why was Tommy allowed to have a child, but not Kevin himself? If his sperm was good enough to get Julia pregnant, why could it not have been good enough to get Michelle pregnant? Had he given away his only chance….?

He shakes his head. No, the last time, they were Scotty’s and that didn’t work either…. There’s no one to blame. After the first time went wrong, Michelle had really tried so hard the second time… She had been so upset… And Kevin knows he should not blame her, but he does. Because it’s easier… and he knows it’s unreasonable.

He didn’t want her for a surrogate, it was what Scotty wanted and he had gone along with it, against his better judgment, because the doctors said that Michelle could carry their child. Now he wishes he had made other choices… but he cannot blame Scotty or Michelle or himself. Yet, he wants to blame someone, something, anything.

This is however not something he can tell Scotty, because Scotty will, rightfully, defend himself and Michelle. Besides, Kevin doesn’t want to fight with Scotty. He must try and navigate him own way through all these conflicting feelings and yet, he knows that Scotty wants him to talk about it.

But what would be the point of talking, if talking will only lead to more confusion? If he tells Scotty that he wants to blame someone, Scotty will be upset and remind him that there’s no one to blame. The point is that Kevin knows this, but it doesn’t stop him from wanting to blame someone.

Kevin pushes aside the glass, before grabbing it, going into the kitchen, throwing away the remaining content and quickly washing the glass with some water. In the kitchen he hesitates for a few moments, then he knows, that staying here, just will not help him. He takes his coat. Maybe he should join Nora for dinner.


14th-Oct-2010 09:34 am (UTC)
It's really hard and painfull. I like to know what Kevin thinks but I would like that Scotty knows it too.
14th-Oct-2010 10:04 am (UTC)
I agree that Scotty SHOULD be told, preferable by Kevin.

But right now, with all the spoilers (I'm being vague, just in case someone doesn't know it yet) I couldn't care less about Scotty's feelings.

I first need to see how he will 'justify' his actions and I sure hope he comes up with something better than my husband did.
14th-Oct-2010 05:43 pm (UTC)
Those two are kind of weird so far this season. I think this could really be kevin's feelings. great job. :-)) rose
14th-Oct-2010 08:57 pm (UTC)
Thanks, I want Kevin to show a bit more compassion. I know he loves Scotty, but I don't understand why he shuts him out. :(
15th-Oct-2010 06:01 pm (UTC)
This was really nice! Since I've known about the spoilers I cannot stop thinking about them. I need to know why Kevin is shutting Scotty out and what would drive Scotty to do... that. You know, I need a really, really good reason so I can believe the latest developments. And I'm not sure the writers can deliver that.
I like your take on it, that Kevin shuts Scotty out because he blames himself for the pain he inflicted on them both. Really well done.
15th-Oct-2010 06:50 pm (UTC)
Thank you. (Happy sigh!)

I fear the writers will prove me completely wrong and that Kevin will most likely have some jerkish reason to push Scotty away, but I can imagine him feeling this way. HE was the one who so badly wanted a child...

I dread the upcoming episodes... :( I wanted more screen-time for Kevin/Scotty, but not like THAT.
16th-Oct-2010 11:50 am (UTC)
My pleasure ;)!

I know, right? I've been rewatching s4 and when they heard that Michelle was pregnant, Kevin had tears in his eyes. It was so moving. So gong through that disappointment twice must be daunting. I just cannot grasp why the writers keep insisting that Robert was Kevin's best friend? I know they tried to bring the BFF-factor in, but not even Kevin seemed to feels that strongly.
The Kevin-hate is big enough in some forums, I can only imagine how the writers will fuel their fire. I just cannot set foot in there anymore. The negativity towards Kevin is just too much.
I'm sure the writers will come up with something that will make Scotty cheating on Kevin seem perfectly justified and reasonable.

The only good thing is that Luke M. will have something meaty to work with, he's been on the backburner long enough and I'm sure he and Matt will completely nail it.
16th-Oct-2010 12:10 pm (UTC)
I've given up on arguing over the Kevin/Robert BFF topic. It's too exhausting! I like Rob Lowe. I liked McCallister a lot less and I never felt that Robert deserved Kevin's friendship or that it was particular given to him by Kevin. Their scenes were just missing that.

I know about the Kevin-hate and I hate it! But the writers are indeed fueling that hatred and I don't understand why. They created such a beautifully, complicated character with so many layers (and played by a TERRIFIC actor!) and now they seem to be doing everything they can to ruin him... I don't get it. :( I still love Kevin, flaws and all. :)
16th-Oct-2010 04:09 pm (UTC)
To be perfectly honest with you and since we're among us, I don't like neither Rob Lowe nor McAllister. Though Rob Lowe was great in comedic scenes with Calista. I enjoyed those two together when they're funny. Dramatic scenes... not so much. For me both actors do much better work when they're funny. Otherwise they tend to overact. But that's only personal preference.
As with Kevin and Robert, that was a poor attempt by the writers to brainwash into the idea that they were BFFs. They tried the same thing with the Ryan/Rebecca-disaster. Neither did work.
Frankly, it's a mystery to me why the writers are still insisting on that BFF-idea but it's probably to make Kevin more affected by the past year and to justify him retreating from everybody.

I'm not sure to what extend the writers fuel that Kevin hate. They certainly make it easy for them. I'm sure he could bake Scotty everyday a beautiful cake and that certain group of people would still hate him for that and yell bloody murder regarding Scotty ;). I don't know what it is with Scotty that makes them so protective of him, maybe he's everyone's ideal husband. I just know - a much as I love Scotty - I'd rather have me some Kevin.
The thing is, you cannot have a complex character without flaws. And they pick out each flaw, oversize it and completely disregard every other aspect of it. No matter if he apologizes afterwards or what his motivations behind his actions are.

I only occasionally lurked on the b&s-tv-forum until I could not take it anymore. But you were always very brave trying to defend Kevin. You're a lot more resistant to that than apparently I am ;).
Ok, enough rambling ;).
27th-Oct-2010 10:32 pm (UTC)
Ooh, what did Scotty do?..
27th-Oct-2010 10:52 pm (UTC)
Are you referring to my story or to the comments? And do you really want to know? It nearly killed my joy in watching this show. :)
28th-Oct-2010 07:17 pm (UTC)
To the comments, i do really want to know b&s isn't on in England till next year and i carn't wait that long to find out.
28th-Oct-2010 07:58 pm (UTC)
Don't read if you don't want to know....



As you may know B&S has decided to skip a year and during that year, with the loss of Robert and the miscarriages, Kevin became a bit distant and Scotty had a one-night affaire. He told Kevin about it in the last episode. Cliffhanger.
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