Disclaimer: I don't own B&S, and at this point I'm glad I don't.
Summary: A little look into Kevin's mind. SPOILERS FOR SEASON 5
“Thank you for the information.” Kevin says and he throws his phone back on his desk. He rubs his face, tired with the long day that he’s had. He closes the file in front of him, with a slow deliberate move. This was the last job for today and this means that he’s free for the rest of the night.
There was a time when he would enjoy that thought. An evening to himself, time to himself… but not anymore. Because it means that he’ll be stuck in a place where he can think and he doesn’t want to think, but he has never learned how to switch off his brain, only how to numb it with alcohol.
He pours himself a drink, the strong taste on his tongue makes him cringe. He hasn’t eaten yet, but cannot bring up the courage to go downstairs and see if Scotty has something to eat, because it means facing Scotty… and facing that hurt look in his husband’s blue eyes.
The look that lets Kevin know, that Scotty knows, that he’s excluded from what goes on in Kevin’s mind. And Kevin knows how much Scotty hates that, but he cannot stop it from happening. It’s too complicated. Too strong. Too weak. Too many dreams. Too many disappointments.
It’s the not knowing how to move on and but also knowing, that he’s not able to go back. The babies are gone. Their chances are gone. Their money is gone. Their dreams are gone. He closes his eyes, but immediately opens them again and he sighs in his drink and takes another sip. It burns. Numbs the pain.
He’s tired, but when he closes his eyes again, he sees his dream. He can hear laughter, he can see the sun set, he can see a swing in a garden or a playground and Scotty holding up their child… He can almost feel the warmth of the fading sun on his face and he knows that in this fantasy he’s laughing as well, filled with pride and joy…
He blinks and the image in strong yellow-red colors gets replaced by his make-shift office. He swallows hard and tries to get rid of this feeling of loss, that is so strong that it nearly makes him feel sick. He had never known that a longing could be this strong or that it could have such an physical impact on him.
He rubs his face again, but more to quietly wipe away his tears, than to wake up. It’s the letting-go of that image in his head that is the hardest to do. He had it the first time when he just found out that Michelle was pregnant. It left him a while, after Michelle called to say she had lost their child…
Then it came back, full force, haunting him, making him feel how insignificant he really is, because there’s absolutely nothing he could have done to prevent Michelle from losing the baby. And at the same time he feels guilty. Guilty, because all this is his fault.
He was the one who wanted this child so badly… He had been who had managed to convince Scotty. Finally. … And Scotty had been so happy when Michelle got pregnant… and then it failed and he hurt Scotty. If he hadn’t been so pushy about this topic, Scotty wouldn’t have had to go through it.
Kevin places the drink on the desk, though he’s still not numb enough. How was it possible that Julia could have gotten pregnant so easily? Why was Tommy allowed to have a child, but not Kevin himself? If his sperm was good enough to get Julia pregnant, why could it not have been good enough to get Michelle pregnant? Had he given away his only chance….?
He shakes his head. No, the last time, they were Scotty’s and that didn’t work either…. There’s no one to blame. After the first time went wrong, Michelle had really tried so hard the second time… She had been so upset… And Kevin knows he should not blame her, but he does. Because it’s easier… and he knows it’s unreasonable.
He didn’t want her for a surrogate, it was what Scotty wanted and he had gone along with it, against his better judgment, because the doctors said that Michelle could carry their child. Now he wishes he had made other choices… but he cannot blame Scotty or Michelle or himself. Yet, he wants to blame someone, something, anything.
This is however not something he can tell Scotty, because Scotty will, rightfully, defend himself and Michelle. Besides, Kevin doesn’t want to fight with Scotty. He must try and navigate him own way through all these conflicting feelings and yet, he knows that Scotty wants him to talk about it.
But what would be the point of talking, if talking will only lead to more confusion? If he tells Scotty that he wants to blame someone, Scotty will be upset and remind him that there’s no one to blame. The point is that Kevin knows this, but it doesn’t stop him from wanting to blame someone.
Kevin pushes aside the glass, before grabbing it, going into the kitchen, throwing away the remaining content and quickly washing the glass with some water. In the kitchen he hesitates for a few moments, then he knows, that staying here, just will not help him. He takes his coat. Maybe he should join Nora for dinner.