The story is already pretty much in my head. First 3 chapters will be rated G after that we'll move up in the ratings...
I want to thank semisweetsoul for giving me the idea for the 'what if...'s, even if that was perhaps not what she had in mind... :)
Warning: This is an AU (alternate universe) Things can be different or the same, events can have a different impact or not. But in the end, if things are meant to be, they are meant to be.
This is a very long chapter, but I didn't have the heart to break it up anywhere. If you don't mind tomorrow's chapter will be a lot shorter. :D
Forks in the road…. 05/?
What if… there was someone else who recognized, that Kevin's heart is bigger than his ... very annoying brain?
About: Kevin and Scotty mostly.
Disclaimer: Kevin and Scotty or B&S don’t belong to me. Written with love, not for money
Summary: AU – Kevin remembers Tad.
“I can’t believe you sold this place.” Scotty says, shaking his head. Kevin shrugs.
“I had to. I could not live here anymore.”
“You have a tennis-court.” Scotty just can’t get over that aspect, it seems.
“That was Tad’s toy. He loved tennis. I didn’t care so much about it.”
“Still, this place is amazing.” Scotty replies. “Your must have had it for a very long time?”
“It belonged to Rudy, Tad’s first real partner. Rudy died at the end of the 80s and for many years Tad didn’t believe that he would find another person that he could love as much as he had loved Rudy…”
“And then you came?..” Scotty asks, Kevin’s smile is soft, but distant and Scotty gets intrigued. “How did you meet?”
“He was a very well known 34-year old lawyer. I was this 19-year old kid, who didn’t know what to do with the rest of his life.
My dad was befriended with Tad’s boss and he got me a summer-job at that law-firm. Nothing fancy. A lot of paperwork. Copying. Archiving. Researching. When I started working for the firm, Tad wasn’t a partner yet. We only got briefly introduced to each other, but that was enough.”
“Love at first sight?”
“Mmm-yes and no.” Kevin answers. “I was impressed, yes, but realistic enough to know that I didn’t really stand a chance, though he later confessed to me, that he liked me from the first time he saw me. He was an established lawyer with an excellent career.
Most people knew he was gay, though it was just one of those things they didn’t ask or talk about. I never really said anything about my sexual orientation either. But we both just knew it.
He felt it was unwise to go after me, because I was 15 years younger than him. I thought he was so gorgeous and sophisticated because he was so much older than me. He could have any guy he wanted. It was, however, highly unlikely that he would be genuinely interested in me.” Kevin’s smile is tender and loving as he looks at the garden.
Scotty just feels that he’s lost in a certain memory. The romantic in him makes him even more curious.
“How, where, when did things change?” He asks eagerly and Kevin laughs, thrilled that he can talk about Tad. It’s been so long ago since he did that.
“He had a regular assistant, who had an accident. Nothing serious. Bad fall down the stairs, broken leg. It was just very inconvenient because Tad had an important meeting in Bakersfield. So, his boss appointed me as Tad’s assistant … I couldn’t believe my luck. I hadn’t applied, Tad hadn’t asked.
I knew people would talk, because Tad and I were both gay, but it wasn’t like we planned this. To cut a long story short, we got the information we needed for our case, but it had taken us much more time than we expected and then Tad suggested we’d have dinner in Bakersfield. Together.” Kevin says with a grin, when he sees Scotty raise an eyebrow.
“In Tad’s defense, the weather was very bad. It was raining. Pouring! We were both hungry and tired from the long day and interviewing people. We both made so many notes. It rained so hard that we ran from the parking-space to the restaurant and we were both drenched by the time we got there!
We had dinner together, hoping the rain would stop. At first we just talked about the case, then after dessert, we talked some more. And then there was coffee and it still rained. It was getting later and later. And then Tad didn’t feel like we should drive back that same night… and asked if I would agree to share a room at the hotel with him…”
“A request you could not refuse…?” Scotty grins and Kevin laughs happily.
“No way! Together with him in one room? Undressing him with my eyes, when he wasn’t looking at me? Are you crazy? I would not never say no to that! … He was the perfect gentleman though. Separate beds. He didn’t touch me. Didn’t assume anything.
But the next day something had shifted between us. I felt more comfortable with him and he was more relaxed as well. It was a Thursday and just before we got out of his car, to go to his office, he took me by my hand and asked me if I would be interested in having dinner with him that Friday-night, here, at his house. Just us… He was so nervous and shy when he asked me. He hadn’t asked anyone in such a long time.”
Kevin beams with love and Scotty can suddenly imagine Kevin as a 19-year old, completely overwhelmed by this other man. To see that someone had known this much love makes Scotty believe, that maybe it can happen to him too.
“How did it go?” Scotty wants to know.
“It was amazing. He left work early and he cooked for me. He had set the table, candles and all. We talked and laughed and after dinner we went into the garden. After the rain-fall of the days before and the warm sun on that day, it smelled so good here.
And then, there, right there, under that tree… he kissed me for the first time… It was heaven… I had been kissed before, had had my little flings, but when he kissed me… I thought LA got hit by another earth-quake, I swear. I just knew he was the one for me…. Even after all these years, when I think about it, I can still feel that first kiss…”
Kevin’s love-filled smile disappears and his eyes fill with tears. In two steps, Scotty is beside him.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you…” He stammers, making Kevin laugh through his tears.
“No. You didn’t … I had forgotten how good we were… how great it all had been.”
Kevin wipes away his tears and smiles at Scotty.
“Thanks… Most of those around me have heard my stories so many times… I don’t tell them anymore to not bore anyone with them..” Kevin apologizes, but Scotty takes Kevin’s chin and forces him to look up at him.
“You can share your memories of Tad with me, any time you want… I can believe in love againm when I hear and see you talk about him. It gives me hope.”
“Speaking of hope… How are things going between you and Jason?”
“Good, all things considered…. I suppose.”
“You suppose? You don’t sound too enthusiastic?”
“Jason in a wonderful man…” Scotty sighs. “He’s been very patient."
“I have issues with what happened. I can’t give myself to him. Not 100%.”
“It’s hard to lose someone, Scotty, it takes time to heal…”
“I’m not mourning Frank's loss, Kevin, I’m glad he ‘s gone. I’m just so mad…. Frank is dead and I’m so furious. It’s so hard to tell someone who isn’t around anymore to go to hell.”
“No, you don’t. I’ve fought a long time to find my place in this world. It took me a long time to figure out how much I’m worth and how that has nothing to do with money or anything people can point to. It took Frank’s wife 5 minutes to make me feel worthless. Everything I believed to be true…. It’s all gone.
And I can’t understand how I could have been so blind. I’m not stupid, Kev. I used to believe I was a good judge of character. I wasn’t some 14-year old having his first crush. I was careful… but Frank stood as far away from me as you are now, he looked me straight in the eyes and told me he loved me. …
I didn’t see the lies. I just didn’t see them… So, what did I miss? If I missed them with Frank, how can I be sure I won’t miss them with Jason? .. I like Jason. I really do… but, … I don’t have faith in my own judgment anymore. And it makes me so mad, because somehow Frank still controls my life!”
Kevin is about to reply when Nora calls him.
“Kev! The movers are ready. The house is empty…” She joins the two men. “What do you want to do now?” She asks. Kevin quickly looks at Scotty, who quickly composes himself and signals that he’s fine, so Kevin can focus on Nora.
“I gave them the instructions. All boxes are labeled. They can drive to my new house and put everything there. Jordan is there to help them find their way… You drive up there as well. I’ll join you a little later… I want to go through the house one last time…” He says.
“Honey? Are you sure you want to do this alone? It will be so hard….” Nora points out.
“I know, but … I need closure… Don’t worry. I’ll be fine… Just go.” He pushes her in the direction of the door and though Nora protests softly, she leaves anyway. Scotty follows her, but when he sees her drive away, he turns off his engine and after a short moment to think twice, he gets out of his car and walks back to the house…
The rooms sound so hollow now that everything is gone. Paintings, furniture, books and endless shelves of knick-knacks… it’s all gone. Either sold or put in storage. Some just thrown away. In this house three men had lived. Rudy, Tad and Kevin. Kevin had never known Rudy, but had always respected him as a part of Tad’s past.
It had never bothered him that some of Rudy’s belongings had become a part of his day-to-day life. It had always been ‘natural’ to him to go with Tad to the cemetery and remember Rudy on his birthday and day of death. And Kevin even went there after Tad had died, simply because Rudy and the cemetery were a link to Tad.
Kevin goes up the stairs and to the room he dreads the most. The bedroom. The room where he had loved and cried. When he had talked to Scotty, he had been able to remember their first kiss. And now, in the middle of this room, he tries to remember his first time in that bed…
… On his back, he looks up at Tad, his eyes big with fear and excitement. Kevin trembles as Tad’s fingers softly caress his skin. His breathing is uneven. All he can think off is that hand that moves lower and lower. And then suddenly stops… Kevin blinks in frustration and his eyes search for Tad’s.
He sees his confusion, hand drifting inches away from Kevin’s swollen cock, but not going any further. Tad bites his lip.
“This is so wrong. You’re way too young.” He whispers. “Only nineteen.”
“Nearly twenty. Let it go. Please, touch me…” Kevin begs, needing to feel Tad’s touch.
“Are you sure?” Tad asks, Kevin nods. “I haven’t done this in a long time. I’m not sure…”
Kevin’s hand takes Tad’s and lowers it, holding his breath with a hissing sound, when Tad’s fingers curl around him. He can hear Tad whisper his name ….
Kevin stares at the empty spot where their bed used to be. Tad had been so careful, so tender in satisfying him the first time. And he remembers how he nearly died of fear when he had, for the first time, seen Tad naked. It was just too much and he had been more beautiful than Kevin imagined. And the first time he had Tad inside him…
…. The thrust is slow and careful, but takes away Kevin’s breath anyway.
“Am I hurting you?” Tad asks, but Kevin shakes his head bravely. It does hurt. Tad is well endowed and the getting used to the size doesn’t happen is not as quick as Kevin had hoped. He can’t prevent the tears from clinging to his eye-lashes.
“Don’t lie to me, Kevin.” Tad softly scolds. “I’m going to stop…”
“No! No! Please, don’t stop. Please. I want you.” Kevin begs frustrated. “I really want to do this with you… I ….” Tad caresses his face.
“It’s okay, sweetie.” He says. “You’re trying too hard.”
“If I screw this up, I won’t get a second chance…” Kevin blurts out in tears. “You’ll think I’m some baby and not good enough for you, not man enough and ….” He shuts up realizing that he’s only making things worse, because he’s revealing who desperately he wants Tad. Tad gives him an amused smile. He’s obviously touched by Kevin’s words.
“Kev.. you can’t screw this up and I will give you a million chances, if that’s what it will take to hold you in my arms like this…” Tad whispers, holding Kevin closer and pushing deeper inside of him. Kevin gasps, but clings to Tad and softly confesses:
“Every time I saw you at the office, I wished you would take me there and then, on the copier…”
Tad chuckles at the thought and the image must be quite arousing, because Kevin can feel him tense up and get even harder. Kevin relaxes, because it does seem that Tad is more interested in him, than just his body. To know that Tad wants to give him space to adjust takes a large chunk of the pressure away and it relaxes him.
“I wanted to fuck you in the men’s room, when I walked on you that one time. Just be inside of you seemed like a dream come true….” Tad’s mouth is close to Kevin’s ear and his voice makes Kevin shiver and he can’t help but move his hips. This time it’s Tad who moans.
Kevin’s mouth covers Tad’s as he moves closer to Tad’s body again. It’s less uncomfortable this time and soon enough nothing else matters, other than being pinned underneath Tad, feeling him touch Kevin in ways he’s never been touched before, pushing Kevin closer to the edge, until Kevin screams out his name…..
Even though it’s a warm day in May, Kevin shivers from the cold that invades his body. The memories are so much stronger than he anticipated. So vivid. So hard to deal with. His fingers slide over the window-sill and he sees the ring on his finger. The one he’s still wearing. He hasn’t taken it off since ….
“…. June 18th, 2008. The day that Kevin Walker officially married the man of his dreams..” Kevin laughs, turning his head to Tad, who’s lying next to him on the bed.
“I told you that one day I’d officially marry you…” Tad smiles.
“Yeah, you promised. Who knew we’d actually live to see that day happen.” Kevin grins.
“I agree. Rudy and I could only dream of such a thing…” Tad sighs and then, embarrassed, he continues. “Sorry, it’s not very nice to discuss your late lover while being in bed with your new .. husband… I really like the sound of that…” He pulls Kevin closer, but the smile from Kevin’s face has vanished.
“It’s okay with me, Tad. Rudy is a part of your life from when I didn’t know you. You two were together when I was just running around in a spider-man suit and didn’t even know that a thing like sex existed…. I’m not jealous. I’m nearly 30 years old and I’m not going to throw a tantrum.
I am so happy that we have a chance to get married, but I am aware that so many other gay men still don’t have that chance or, like Rudy, didn’t have a chance to see that dream become a reality…”
“You’re amazing, Kevin Walker.”
“Couldn’t have done without you, my love. You are the reason I am, who I am now. And I love you for that…”
“I’m the lucky one, you know. I’m the man, who didn’t find just one love of his life, but two.” He pulls Kevin’s head closer and kisses him, but has to let go as a stab of pain runs through his body.
“Pain again?” Kevin asks worried. It’s not the first time that Tad complains about the pain in his body, that he contributes to ‘old age’. Kevin frowns, no longer taking excuses. “You should really go see our doctor and ask him to examine you…”
“I will. I’ll make an appoint this week. I promise…” Tad replies.
Of course ‘this week’ had become ‘next month’ and, even then, Tad had only gone, because the pain could no longer be silenced with an average pain-killer. A week later, Kevin and Tad had sat there in that office, listening to a doctor who tried to explain to Tad, a man with almost no sick days on his list, that he had cancer in an advanced stage and had less than 6 months to live…
Even now, Kevin cannot imagine how he managed to continue living, while Tad was slowly dying. Work had to go on. Though there was enough money for both of them, the loss of Tad’s pay, when Tad could no longer work, was felt. It must have been then, that Kevin had to start to compartmentalize his feelings and his life.
He couldn’t fall apart at home and not at his work. He had remained optimistic around Tad until the end. Tad had wanted him to accept the inevitable and he had. For Tad. What he had felt for himself, he had ignored. At work, his colleagues had been there for him and made life ‘business as usual’. At his own request. They had done that. For him.
Kevin leans against the wall, memories going through him. Tad had not wanted to die in a hospital. Kevin had stayed with Tad until the end. That last night had been bad. Tad drifted in and out of consciousness all night, until, early in the morning, he had suddenly taken Kevin’s hand with so much strength, that he had woken up Kevin….
Kevin opens his eyes at the small sound coming from Tad.
“I’m here, baby.” He says softly.
“I know.” Tad smiles, his voice strangely strong. “You always are.”
“Go back to sleep.” Kevin soothes.
“I won’t wake up, if I do.” Tad says and fear takes in Kevin. “It’s fine, honey. I know, it will be fine… I’m ready. I just wanted to tell you that I’ve loved you from the first time I saw you and I always will.”
“Sshh….” He softly pulls Kevin closer. “I’ve been so lucky… Not once, but twice… You will be too…. Just believe… it can happen…” He closes his eyes and Kevin yelps his name, prompting Tad to open his eyes again. With his lips close to Kevin’s he whispers: “Rudy is here….”
Kevin freezes, not willing to let go, but the words just come. For Tad. …
“Don’t let him wait any longer, love. It’s time…” He kisses Tad’s lips one more time and then feels life slip from the man he loves. It’s only now, that Tad is gone that he can let go on the self-imposed restraints.
The pain takes away his breath, he feels sick from the loss and is, at first, unable to make one sound, that can even closely convey how much pain he feels. But then he literally screams for his mother, and Nora, who sleeps two doors away, is with him within seconds. His family is around him in less than 30 minutes, but Kevin is too far gone in his grief for any of them to really reach him….
Kevin slides down along the wall and when he hits the ground, his wraps his arms around his knees and starts to cry. There’s a little noise of a door opening, an arm around him, someone pulling him closer and soothing him. He presses closer to that warm body. So Scotty holds him even tighter and just lets Kevin cry his tears.
“You knew this would come, huh?” Kevin asks, after taking a sip from the bottle of water. that Scotty had given him.
“I suspected it. I only had less than six months with Frank in our apartment and yet there were already so many memories.
You’ve lived here for twelve years, 10 years in a relationship with the man of your dreams and two years on your own. It just went without saying, that you wouldn’t walk out and close the door. Not you. Too much has happened here. And you still love Tad so much.”
“I knew it would be hard. I just didn’t expect it to hit me like this…” Kevin’s breathes out shakily and Scotty hands him another tissue from the box he brought and Kevin can’t help but grin at the absurdity of sitting together on the floor of this empty room. “Thank you, … for being here.”
“You’re welcome. I’m glad I could do something in return. You and your family have been so amazing to me..” Scotty smiles sweetly, gets up, dusts off his jeans with his hands and then reaches out to Kevin. “Come on. It’s time to close up this house and move to your new one…
I have a little suggestion… Why don’t we go from room to room and in each room you tell me a little story about Tad and you here in this house… Happy memories if possible. I know he died here, but he lived here too and you loved him for a good reason… tell me…”
He looks a bit nervous and shy at making such a bold suggestion and Kevin starts to laugh.
“You’re making a terrible deal here, Mr Wandell.... Let’s start with the attic…” Kevin grabs Scotty’s hand and guides him up the stairs and Scotty is happy to see Kevin more cheerful and, for a second, there’s an idea that he doesn’t want Kevin to let go of him, but he chucks on his feeling of friendship that he has for Kevin.
Back in his car, Scotty sees that there are several messages from Jason on his phone. He sighs and he quickly waves at Kevin, who drives off just before him. He follows Kevin’s car and dials Jason’s number.
“Where have you been? I’ve trying to reach you….”
“I’m sorry, Jason, I’ve been helping Kevin…. It was…” but Jason stops him mid-sentence.
“I thought we would have lunch together. I called you this morning and left you a message to meet me here at Northern Light….”
“Yes. And I called you back and left you a message that I couldn’t make it….” Scotty snaps back.
It’s quiet on the other side for a few seconds.
“I’m sorry... I didn’t check if you had called back with a negative reply, I just assumed….”
“I’m sorry too, Jase.... How much time do we still have?”
“None. I have to go back…. Will I see you tonight…?”
“Be at Nora’s house at 10. I’ll let you in.”
“It would be easier if you asked Nora for a spare key, so I can let myself in…” Jason suggests.
“I will…” Scotty promises, not very sincerely.
Once Jason hangs up, Scotty tries to analyze why he hasn’t asked Nora for a spare-key yet. Privacy isn’t something the room at Jason's church provides and he should be thrilled that Nora is so open-minded… So why does he still have so much issues with Jason staying at Nora’s house so they can be more intimate?
END OF PART 5