About: Kevin, Scotty, Jason, Chad and Alex
Rate: PG-13 for language?
Disclaimer: I don’t own Brothers and Sisters, but Alex Grodin is a figment of MY own sick mind.
Summary: The boys realize that they need to talk. Resistance is futile.
Writer's note: It helps if you know my series: Happy now? and Last Christmas
“PLAY IT, CHAD!!!” Kevin orders. For a moment Chad hesitates.
“Look, he only asked me something and then… things went weird, his pills were wearing off or something, I don’t know. He seemed pretty rational so far, but that disappeared and the rest of this conversation is just …. Wrong?”
“Let me hear it for myself, please, Chad.” Kevin’s voice is gentler, more persuasive.
“We’ve heard it all so far, Chad, please.” Jason asks, but Chad looks at him and shakes his head.
“Maybe you shouldn’t ask this of me, Jason.” To Scotty it sounds as if Chad is warning Jason.
But Jason shrugs it away, he has come this far without running off. Chad’s finger hovers over the ‘play’-button, but then pushes it down. There’s a brief silence and then they hear Alex’s voice again.
“Can I now ask a question?” Alex asks. Chad nods.“Why did you let him go?”
“Kevin, you mean?”
“It was sort of … mutually understood, I think. It was not an easy decision.
I really liked Kevin, but Kevin couldn’t stand the idea of being shoved back in the closet. And he was absolutely right about not liking it. It became more and more a point a discussion between us, but also to myself. I felt a growing pressure from within to be who I needed to be. Eventually Kevin and I had this fight and he became brutally honest with me.
I was worried about coming out, about the rumors about me, but also about what it would mean to my career. And then Kevin belittled my feelings by calling my panic fake and he told that I was not going to come out of the closet at all. He really challenged me to make a decision and… I did.
And then I panicked again. I didn’t want Kevin to get caught in all the frenzy over my coming out. I didn’t people to think that I did this for him, because I didn’t. I did for me. I felt it was time to acknowledge that I felt attracted to both sexes and it was time to be honest to those around me.
And though Kevin may have been the one to give me the final push, he was not the reason. But once I came out, I realized that I needed to do this on my own and Kevin understood that. He left.” Chad’s reply is very calm, but to his surprise Alex starts to smile. It’s an unpleasant smile. As if he knows something Chad doesn’t.
“Do you want him back?”
“It’s a bit too late for that. He’s married to Scotty.” Chad smiles.
“That’s not what I asked.”
“I don’t know. I guess, if he were alone,.. and still interested in me, I might.”
“Oh, come on, Chad, admit it. If it wasn’t for Scotty, you’d take him back in a heartbeat.”
“It’s rather moot. I lost Kevin the day he walked out of my house. Whatever I want is no longer important.
“But do you want him?”
“Yes, I’m still interested in him, but….”
Kevin catches the slightly embarrassed look on Chad’s face and feels awful. He never even thought that Chad would still want him.
“Then take him.” Alex says, his voice calm, clear and cold. “Tell him how you feel, you’ll see….”
“Don’t project your insanity on me, Alex. I still have feelings for Kevin, true, but Kevin is in love with Scotty and I’m not going to come between them. And not because I can’t, but because I respect them too much to do so. I know that it’s inconceivable to you, but Kevin and Scotty are happy together …”
“No, they’re not. Kevin is settling for Scotty and that is not the same as being happy.”
“Alex, that is just the way you want to see it.
Open your eyes and see them. See them as they are and not the weird image you have of them.”
“But that is exactly the problem, Chad. You don’t have the courage to take him back, because you can only think of the immediate pain you’ll give him and you don’t look at the bigger picture.”
“Sure. If anything would have happened to Scotty, Kevin would be devastated, but in the end he’d get over it and realize his happiness lies with someone else… He’d move on.”
“With you??” Chad’s voice is sarcastic.
“With the one who’s by his side.” Alex explains impatiently. “Whether it is you, me, Jason or someone else. Scotty is irrelevant.”
“And what do you suggest I do?” Chad now asks. “Kill Scotty?”
“No. That would not work. I quickly saw that both you and Jason are to too cowardly to kill Scotty or to take Kevin back… I should have realized that…” Alex sounds suddenly tired.
“Maybe we should leave Jason out of this.” Chad snaps back.
“I agree. He’s not suitable to be by Kevin’s side. He’s a quitter and afraid of himself.”
“It’s true. He’s so disgusted with himself for being gay, for feeling the physical attraction to another man. He would give anything to be ‘normal’. Straight.”
“From what I remember he’s open about his sexuality and about his lovers. He certainly never hid Kevin from his church.”
“You’re wrong. I read a lot about him. And in the barn he proved that I was right in my assumptions about him.
Jason does what is expected of him. His church dictates him to be honest and so he is, but he would rather have stayed firmly in the closet. Where you come out, you embraced the openness it brought you. Jason found out that being gay restricted him in his plans for the future.
You got better parts to play since you came out, you’re accepted by most of your fans. Even those who used to be critical of you, now look at you differently. But to Jason it was different. He was outed at a time, when he wasn’t ready to be honest about himself. He reluctantly admitted to being gay. It cost him his study, his job and his church.
Take my word for it, Chad. Jason hates himself for what he is. Ask yourself why Jason hasn’t had another lover, since he broke up with Kevin.”
“I don’t plan to really discuss Jason with you. I don’t know him well enough to judge. Besides I fail to understand why Jason's not having another lover, would prove something. Maybe he just didn’t find the right guy. Not everybody wants to get involved with a priest.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Chad. I know that Jason resents to be with another man…”
“How would you know that?” Chad now asks. He tries to stop a distressing thought from taking shape. “What did you do to Jason?”
“Not much. I hit him to make him talk, but I quickly saw that he had no idea where Kevin was. But after some persuading, he did tell me it was you who took Kevin away, though.” There’s suddenly a very sly look on his face.
“How did you ‘persuade’ him ? What did you do to Jason to make him talk? If you hurt him….”
“Nothing. I never laid a hand on him… Honest. There are other ways to put the fear of God in someone, although maybe that’s not how I should put it. Seeing how he’s a priest and shouldn’t fear God…”
Alex laughs hysterically at his own joke and Chad starts to tremble. He feels the strong need to end this conversation and get out of the room. Get some fresh air. Maybe a long walk in the snow… Or a long hot shower to wash away a certain dirtiness he starts to feel sticking to him.
“Alex, what did you do to make Jason talk?”
“I showed him a picture of Kitty with Evan. Told him what a cute little boy that child was. And what a shame it would be if something happened to him.”
“You told Jason that you’d kill Kitty’s son?”
“That is what he read between the lines.” Alex replies indifferently.
“You would have actually killed Evan?” Chad asks astounded.
“Well, of course not.” Alex rolls his eyes as if it is the most stupid question he has ever heard. “Kevin would never have approved of it.”
Jason blinks at the words, caught between disgust and disbelief. Alex’s words sound utterly ridiculous, especially in combination with the very cocky expression on his face. But the true horror of the words is that the only thing that had stood between Alex and Evan had been the idea of Kevin’s disapproval…
“Did you do anything else to Jason…?” Chad now asks.
“I didn’t hurt him. I always try to be as humane as I can be.” Alex quickly says. Chad rubs his broken arm, still in a sling.
“Yeah, I noticed.”
“That was different. You defied me. But Jason didn’t… I didn’t hurt Jason. And if you don’t believe me, ask Scotty. I never hurt him either.”
“I sincerely think I’ve heard enough.” Chad’s need for fresh air nearly makes it impossible for him to breathe.
There’s something so ominous about Alex, so dark, that Chad can feel it choke him.
“Please, don’t leave. I really like your company… I’m so alone in here. Nobody talks to me…” Alex whines.
“I’m not surprised… I’m grateful for the answers you gave me.
Your openness gave me some insight in the workings of your brain, I think I understand you better now, but at the same time I understand it all even less. You’re a monster. You have no feelings, no compassion, no respect for other people’s lives. Your feelings of entitlement are just scary.
You’re obsessed with the near perfect image of Kevin that you have in your head. And it drives you so crazy, that you can’t see him, only the image you created of him. You have no idea who or what Kevin is and you wouldn’t even want to know, because it would be too big a burden on your mind… We’re done here.... Again, thank you… Goodbye.”
They clearly hear the scratching sound of Chad taking the recorder and Alex final words:
“You will let Kevin listen to this tape, won’t you?” And then there’s silence. Not just on the tape, but also amongst the four men. Kevin looks around. Scotty is in deep thoughts, Chad seems tense, but it’s Jason that really worries him.
His breathing is shallow and Kevin fears that at any moment Jason could just simply faint or something, because he’s as white a sheet. But before Kevin can say anything, Scotty’s voice breaks the silence.
“Wow! That was … insane.” He says quietly.
“Yes, I agree, it was.” Chad nods, but Kevin doesn’t take notice. He keeps his eyes on Jason and watches as Jason get up, unstable on his feet.
“Please, forgive me. I think I’ve been listening too long.” It almost sounds as if Jason has trouble speaking.
“Jase? Are you alright?” Kevin expresses his concern carefully.
“Perfect.” Jason replies, but the sick look on his face, turns his word into a lie. Three pair of eyes follow Jason as he leaves the room and only then does Kevin find his voice back.
“Why don’t I believe him?”
END OF PART 6