Scotty carefully opened the door to the apartment. He tried to be as quiet as possible. It was 1 o’clock in the morning and very likely Kevin would be asleep. He was glad that Kevin had left one of the smaller lights on, so he could see where he should walk. He placed his bag on the table. Almost like second nature, he looked at the sink. No glasses. No bottles. Obviously Kevin had not been drinking tonight. Good.
He noticed the door to Kevin’s bedroom was open and he peeked inside the room. Kevin was asleep, sprawled out in the middle of the bed. A little smile on his face, as if he had a wonderful dream. He looked so sweet that Scotty couldn’t help but also smile as he carefully closed the door. He unpacked the food that he had taken with him from the restaurant. He poured a glass of wine, removed the bag and then noticed something white on the table.
It was small note. “Scotty, as you requested the air-mattress is ready for you. So is my bed. Whenever you are ready, I will be too. Kevin.” No sweet nothings, no ‘I love you’-s and Scotty knew why. He bit his lip, playing with the piece of paper. He sipped the wine and read the words once again as their conversation of this afternoon came back to him.
“…But I wanna be back there with you… Look, I know I’m asking way too much of you, but like I said, ‘easy’ ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.” Scotty felt strange as he heard Kevin say these words. A part of him was thrilled. Kevin wanted him to stay! He broke up with Jason! After their conversation this morning he had hoped that maybe it had not been ‘mistake-sex’, but genuine feelings that had lead Kevin into his arms again. The butterflies in his stomach were flying by the hundreds.
At the same time he was worried. Kevin’s pain had been so obvious. He was confused and hurt. Sure, he had Scotty now to fall back on, but what if, in a few weeks, the worst of the pain would be gone? Would Kevin still want him? He looked up at Kevin, seeing him swallow hard, some distress in his movements.
“I guess this is the part where you say… I don’t know… something… anything.”
“I don’t know what to say.” Scotty answered honestly.
“Well, that’s a first.” Was Kevin’s automatic reply, followed immediately by an apologetic smile. He didn’t mean to insult Scotty. Scotty couldn’t help but smile in return, again amazed by how easily they fell into the familiar jokes and remarks.
“Kevin…” He nervously moved his hands over his thighs, unsure how to continue. “This is a bit sudden. I mean, yesterday you were in love with Jason, we have sex and you break up with Jason and want to go on with me?”
“You are that good between the sheets.” Kevin tried to joke.
“Not just between the sheets, love. I can remember that time on the kitchen-table…” Scotty teased right back and much to his delight he saw a blush appear on Kevin’s cheeks.
But Scotty’s smile disappeared as quickly as it came and he said more seriously:
“You know what I mean.”
“Yes. I do. Look Scotty. I’m not saying it will be easy. Jason is still in my heart somewhere. I haven’t completely erased him, that is impossible. I was happy with him when we were together. I felt loved and appreciated. And when he left for Malaysia, I was hurt, but determined to be strong. To be the lover he deserved. To remain faithful. I really believed in him, in myself, in us.”
Kevin’s smile is uncertain as he walks up to Scotty, kneels before him, takes Scotty´s hands into his. Almost as if he tries to draw strength from them.
“That is, until two weeks ago, when you walked into my office… You have NO idea what it did to me to see you suddenly standing there. I had tried to forget you. Whatever we could have been was over. You walked out on me. You hated me.” Scotty opened his mouth to protest. He never hated Kevin, but Kevin placed his finger on Scotty’s lips. “But when you said that it wasn’t like I had drugged you that night, it felt as if you had forgiven me for what happened . No?” Scotty nodded, unable to tear himself away from those blue eyes, begging for a positive answer.
“I could not take my eyes off you. I couldn’t believe you were with me. Talking to me. Smiling at me. I thought I’d lost all that. That I lost you. I could only think of one thing. I wanted to kiss you, touch you and do all sorts of… improper.. things to you.” Kevin raised his eyebrows mischievously and Scotty could not help but laugh and then the thought of him and Kevin… In Kevin’s office… On Kevin’s desk…Where everybody could see… He could not help but feel his cock respond to the suggestion. With a blush he suddenly realized that Kevin could see it too, because, for just a moment, Kevin slowly let his thumb caress Scotty’s erection. Then he suddenly retrieved his hands. “Sorry.” Kevin said softly. “I didn’t mean to…” Scotty tried to recapture his breath and calm down, but all he wanted was just beg Kevin to go on. He shook his head as if to chase the thoughts away.
“When you tried to kiss me in the restaurant, I felt embarrassed because I suddenly realized that I had not told you about Jason. Nothing at all. It was almost as if he didn’t exist. Even more embarrassing was that I just wanted to be kissed by you. But I tried to convince myself that I had to be strong. Then I found out that you were homeless and suddenly saw a way to keep you close to me. I thought I could handle it, but it was so easy to be with you. I’ve never stopped caring for you, just believed I had lost you… and then when you came back… and you … you just re-activated all my feelings.” Scotty wished that the butterflies would stop fluttering.
“And suddenly, I found myself caught between you and Jason. I didn’t want to screw this thing with Jason up, I needed to be strong, but at the same time, I desperately wanted to be with you. I wanted Jason to call, but became more and more unsure whether there was anything left to say. I, too, wanted to believe that my attraction to you was my missing Jason and you being a warm available… maybe available body. I wasn’t sure about that… And if he would call than everything would fall into place again and I would be reminded of my love for him and his love for me and everything would be great… and I would find out that you and I were going to be just friends and that’s all.”
“But last night… waking up with my head on your shoulder… for the first time in… oh, months…I felt… Home. Safe. And when we started to kiss it was just….” Kevin closed his eyes, for a second there was this heavenly smile on his face and not a thousand words could have conveyed Kevin’s feelings better.
“Kevin.” Was all Scotty could mutter, before he threw his arms around Kevin and started to kiss him passionately. Kevin lost his balance and fell back on the floor, Scotty all over him. They became this tangle of arms and legs. Kissing frantically, pulling at each other’s clothes, desiring to touch skin and Scotty could feel Kevin’s strong arms around him. Pulling his lower body down as Kevin moved his own body up against Scotty’s. He could feel Kevin’s cock moving against his, in spite of the layers of clothes that separated them. He opened his mouth, but didn’t make a sound. His breathing halted for a single second. This felt so good. And then, with a ‘pang’ he snapped back to reality. He rolled away from Kevin, ignoring Kevin’s desperate moan.
He sat down on his knees, straightening his clothes, breathing heavily as the tears started to come to his eyes.
“This is what I mean, Kevin.” He said angrily. “We always end up doing it and it gets us nowhere.” He saw Kevin’s confusion and suddenly his frustrations with everything overwhelmed him: “I love you! I need you! I want to have mad passionate sex with you! I want to grow old with you! I want to laugh with you! Eat ice cream with you! I want.. I want…” His voice broke. For a moment there was nothing else than the sound of Kevin’s heavy breathing as Scotty pulled himself together and in a softer, calmer tone continued: “Kev, it’s always the same. It’s not just you, but my other relationships as well. I give everything I have and in the end I’m left alone. And you know…It hurts! I don’t need this right now. I just want to finish my education and work. And I, for one, don’t intend to see my heart broken by you or anyone else. Not again. I can’t handle it.” His eyes are wet with the tears he refuses to cry.
Kevin got to his knees as well and wrapped his arms around Scotty, softly kissing Scotty’s hair.
“Scotty, I promise ….”
“Don’t. Please don’t make promises you can’t keep…Damn, Kevin, why does this have to be so difficult? I didn’t want to be the reason for you to break up with Jason.”
“You’re not. I am. I slept with you and shouldn’t have.”
“Jason didn’t have to know. I wouldn’t have told him.”
“But I would have known.”
“You shouldn’t have told him…”
“But I did.”
“You could ask Jason to forgive you.”
“Nope, not an option.” Kevin put his finger under Scotty’s chin forcing him to look at him.”Scotty, it’s you I want.” Scotty blinked a few times, letting the words sink in.
“You think you do.”
“I know I do.”
“What if you are wrong?” Kevin shook his head. He could not answer that question.
They just sat there for a while. Holding each other. Silence between them. Not defensive, just not knowing how to move on. Scotty looked at the clock.
“I have to leave in half an hour. Barely time to pack.”
“Kevin…” Scotty pleaded and Kevin raised his hands.
“You are free to go.” He said. “I can’t stop you. Can’t hold you against your will. But our conversation isn’t really finished.”
Kevin moved a little closer to Scotty and Scotty could feel his lips being caressed by Kevin’s. He closed his eyes, expecting the kiss to become deeper, but instead Kevin whispered against
“Don’t go. Please, I’m begging you. Don’t go. Stay here. Let us work this out. We can do this.”
Scotty backed away from Kevin. He got up and looked at his belongings, all over the floor, in plastic bags. He looked around the apartment. Everything he wanted within reach. A place to stay, close to his work, a kitchen he loved, a man financially independent enough to give him some space of his own with regard to the payments, but even without that… Kevin… He loved Kevin, he could not deny it, if he tried. He turned back to Kevin.
“Alright, listen. We started ‘us’ in arguments and trauma’s with your father’s death, with catty remarks and quick sex, breaking up and getting back together, using each other, ending into us finally splitting up permanently. Only THAN we started to talk and listen to each other. Perhaps we ought to try what normal couples do? You know, talk, date, a bit of kissing, talk some more, you know, the boring stuff?”
“You mean, take it slowly? One step at a time?”
“Yes. I continue to sleep on the mattress, you in your own bed. We put some space between us and watch where we go from here. I don’t believe that you are over Jason and I don’t want to be the ‘replacement body’ either.”
“We go on a date? Are you sure you want that?” disbelieve in Kevin’s eyes. Scotty teased:
“I won’t kiss you in the middle of the restaurant, I know by now, you don’t like public displays of affection.” Kevin’s disbelieve turned into as mischievous smile as he replied:
“You pay for your own food, I know how much you hate it to be bought.”
“So our first date will be at the local hotdog stand, because that’s about all I can afford?” Scotty laughed.
“I cannot think of anything more romantic. Howeverrrrr, perhaps we can negotiate this? How about… I pay for the food and in return you kiss me in the restaurant?”
“Mr Walker, that would be inappropriate behavior.” Scotty gave Kevin a quasi-offended look.
“Mr Wandell, I hate to say this, but … you’ve run out of time.”
“You have to go to work.” Kevin grinned, pointing at the clock.
“Shit!!” Scotty frantically started searching for something.
“What are you looking for?”
“Take my car. I had no plans for tonight anyway. Go! Or you’ll be late.”
Scotty straightened his clothes.
“Do I look alright?”
“No. I’d rather see you naked, but…. this will do.” Kevin smiled. Looking around he continued: “Shall I put everything back? Mattress and all?”
“You could sleep in my bed with me.”
“Too dangerous.” Scotty said as he was about to leave, but Kevin spun him around and took him in his arms and kissed him thoroughly, leaving Scotty breathless, before ordering:
“Now go!” as he pushed Scotty out of the door.************
And now it was several hours later. Scotty had worked hard all night. Trying not to think about Kevin, but here in this apartment, the mattress was suddenly less appealing. Playing with the glass in his hand he comes to a decision.He looks down on Kevin’s sleeping body, while slowly taking off his clothes. He folds them carefully and puts them on one of the chairs.
“Scotty?” Kevin woke up and sits up, looking at Scotty’s almost naked body. Scotty looks up, nervously, suddenly no longer feeling so confident as he did when he walked into the room.
“You said I could sleep with you.” He said quietly.
“Yes, off course. It’s just that I thought you said you wanted to take it slow.”
“Oh, I will.” Scotty promised as he crawled onto the bed and straddled Kevin. Kevin’s eyes grew wider with expectation and desire.