I can’t believe everything that happened to me these last few days. It's like being strapped in rollercoaster car and it just will not stop. I’ve been high and low, happy and sad and up and down, torn apart and clumsily put back together. I’ve seen my family at its best, when Kevin and Scotty got married. The way Tommy and Robert came through with the rings, the flower-arrangements mom made, the beautiful speech Kitty gave. I cried so hard, I was so proud of them and of Kevin.
I’ve also seen them at their worst. Saul's betrayal. Kevin yelling at me. Kitty was livid, once she found out about what happened at Ojai. But the worst was Mom’s reaction to the news. The way she treated me, it hurt me so much. And the way Mom forced me to go to Tommy and Holly to ask for their help. I’ve never been more mortified in my life. Just to sit across from Holly and see her act, as it she can understands how I feel and in the mean time knowing that she can’t wait to humiliate me even more!
And how dare Tommy hold it against me that I was with Graham?! He didn’t know how quickly he should jump into Lena’s bed, while he was still married to Julia. At least I showed Joe the common courtesy of sleeping with Graham AFTER I signed my divorce-papers, which is more than Joe ever did for me. And I knew my boundaries and didn’t sleep with Noah, while Joe couldn’t wait to get into bed with his ex-wife Paula. How come I'm the one who did something bad?
I am sorry that things ended with Graham, but we were doomed from the start. Graham however did teach me a lot about myself. And I have no regrets about my hours spent with Graham. After the long ‘dry spell’ that Joe was, I discovered myself again in Graham’s arms. I remember what it felt like to be alive, to feel wanted, to feel desired, to be a woman and to have see sex equal fun again, instead of it being a chore. For a few stolen moments I was not Paige’s or Cooper’s mom, not Joe’s ex-wife, not Tommy’s, Kevin’s, Kitty’s or Justin’s sister, not Nora’s daughter, not Ojai’s CEO. I was just Sarah. Sarah Walker! And damn! I missed her!
Tommy was right about one thing though. I should never have told Rebecca. I should have kept my mouth shut. Holly had no interest in telling Rebecca anything about dad and now Rebecca’s life is in such turmoil, because of me. I am the one who told Rebecca that we had the same father. I hurt her by putting her life upside down with my news that she was a Walker and now it has been destroyed again, because she found out that she’s NOT a Walker. And I feel guilty for her pain.
I keep looking at daddy’s old files. There HAS to be something. Something we didn’t know, something we overlooked. For mom’s sake I hope that Kevin and I are wrong. I want to be wrong. No one wanted to be more wrong than me, when I suggested there was yet another child. Why would I want to discover that there is YET another child running around?
I am glad that Kevin forgave me, though. I was so hell-bent on lashing back at Holly, that I nearly ruined the most beautiful day of his life. Not just by taking him away from the party and his husband, but also because his news about Ryan prompted him to come to me on his wedding-night. I am so glad that Scotty handled the delicate matter with maturity and forgave Kevin. I would not be able to forgive myself is anything bad had happened between those two because of my ideas.
I’ve cried so much during their ceremony. They were both so beautiful, so much in love and so happy. Like I was on my wedding-day. I remembered looking at Joe, in the same way Kevin looked at Scotty. I had so many dreams. I would be this wonderful wife to Joe, we would be so happy, we would grow old together. If God would grant us a child, I’d be the best mother in the world. A better mom than my own. I wouldn’t make the mistakes she made….
I was of course not the wonderful wife, I thought I would be. My husband was increasingly unhappy in his role of a house-father and I never really took his complaints seriously. It was only when he left me that I saw how much work he had taken out of my hands all these years. And how little gratitude I had shown for that.
But on the other hand, he didn’t have to work, he could work on his more creative side, but never did. He could written songs, perfected his music or perhaps learn to play another instrument, but he didn’t. If he was so unhappy, why didn’t he DO something about it? Something different than giving me the idea that he wanted someone else. He gave me the feeling of not being good enough. He had the freedom to chose what he wanted. Why didn’t he?
Of course I never became the best mother in the world either. I make a lot of mistakes. BUT that doesn’t mean I am a bad mother. I love Paige and Cooper to death, I would sacrifice anything for them. My love for them is unconditional,…. I’d say it is a…. dispersed… sometimes, but it is always there. I know I didn’t always make the right decisions, but that doesn’t mean that Joe was the better parent. Yet I’ve lost my children to him.
I miss Paige and Cooper. I miss helping Paige with her homework. I miss reading Cooper his bedtime story. Most of the time I come home to an empty house. No children. Just an empty living-room, the silent kitchen and some barely used bedrooms. I am not lonely. I have plenty of things to do. But it is the lifelessness of this house, when the children are not here, that gets to me.
It hurts, because this house was supposed to be a family house, like my parents’ house had been. Where there would be laughter and sorrow, but above all there would always be love. A house where we would have parties and meet up with our friends, but I never had the time to make those friends to have parties with. A house where the friends of my children were always welcome to play… but these children got to know Joe and not me.
I gave it up for my work. First at North Light and then Ojai. I worked as hard as I could. I wanted dad to be proud of me. And what did it bring me? I lost my kids, my husband, my marriage, my dreams, the respect of my family and on top of everything else I had to listen to all the insults flung at my head over my relationship with Graham clouding my judgement, which it didn’t. As if I would jeopardize everything, that dad, uncle Saul, Tommy and I build up, over the first man that came along! Like some naïve teenager in attempt to please some horny boyfriend.
Well, okay! Alright! So sue me! I made a mistake. One stupid mistake in all these years of taking care of dad’s company. And technically speaking it wasn’t even me. I kept telling uncle Saul over and over again that I didn’t believe in the China deal. I had my doubts. My guts told me it was a mistake. But I trusted Saul! I trusted Saul to solve it for me. To cover for me, like he did for dad, like he did for Tommy.… And look at us now. We came this close to bankruptcy and now we are depending on Holly, of all the people in the world!
Am I mad? I'm angry like hell! She lied and connived her way into our lives and now into dad’s company. After what she put mom trough, what she put our family through, and what about what she did to Rebecca? Am I really supposed to work with her? If Tommy and I don’t agree on a decision, she will have the final word. Well, guess who’s side she will take? A hundred bucks that it won’t be mine!
I don’t know what to do. I am so angry at Holly, but what if Kevin is right? What if Holly did tell the truth? That the ‘R’ could not have stood for Rebecca, because dad always knew that Rebecca wasn’t his? What if this Ryan is a child of daddy’s? Then what? Am I supposed to apologize to Holly?! I’d rather eat glass, than my words!
What am I supposed to tell Paige and Coop? You know, your aunty Rebecca? Well, sorry she’s not your aunt after all. But guess what? You have uncle! Ryan! Surprise, surprise! Why, you ask? Ooh, smart question. Well, you know, your grandpa. The one you loved and respected so much, he didn’t just cheat on grandma with this woman called Holly, but also with yet another woman. Yes, that was a very nasty thing to do. But aren’t you happy? Your lost an aunt, but gained an uncle. I feel stupid just thinking about it.
Maybe I should just get a glass of wine and try to get some sleep. This horror-ride isn't over yet. I still have to sit at the same table with Holly and I suddenly have to work with Tommy again, but how can I believe he will see me as a person capable of being in charge of Ojai, if he believes me to so easily deceived? But I am not giving up without a fight. And I am not surrendering anything to Holly. I will watch her like a hawk and question her every move. She may have screwed dad, she's not going to do it with me.
I am ready for a fight!