About: Kevin/Scotty. Robert/Jason
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything
Extra: This an AU (Alternative Universe) story, so remember : The more things change, the more they stay the same. Here are part 01, part 02, part 03, part 04, part 05, part 06, part 07, part 08, part 09, part 10, part 11, part 12, part 13, part 14, part 15, part 16, part 17, part 18, part 19, part 20, part 21, part 22, part 23, part 24, part 25, part 26, part 27, part 28, part 29, part 30, part 31, part 32, part 33, part 34, part 35, part 36, part 37, part 38, part 39, part 40, part 41, part 42, part 43, part 44, part 45, part 46, part 47, part 48, part 49, part 50, part 51, part 52, part 53, part 54, part 55, part 56, part 57, part 58, part 59, part 60, part 61, part 62, part 63, part 64, part 65, part 66, part 67, part 68. part 69, part 70, part 71, part 72, part 73, part 74, part 75, part 76, part 77, part 78, part 79, part 80, part 81, part 82, part 83 and part 84
HALFWAY MAY 2008
“Oh, here you are.” Kevin says slowly, watching Scotty lie on the bed, on his stomach. “Your dad and I were wondering where you’d gone off to.”
“I have a headache.”
“It’s been a stressful day.” Kevin sits down on the mattress and caresses Scotty’s back.
“Yes.” Scotty agrees. “And I feel like I’ve done everything wrong.”
“What do you mean?”
“I shouldn’t have come here. She wouldn’t have wanted me here. She didn’t need me to be here. I no longer mattered to her.
The woman we buried today was a total stranger to me, Kev. As far as I’m concerned, my mother died ten years ago, when I came out. She wanted to ‘save me from hell’ and when she failed, because I didn’t want to be saved, especially not on her terms, she cut me lose like extra baggage that slows you down on your journey.”
Scotty sounds so lonely, that Kevin spoons up against him. Scotty feels Kevin’s arm around his waist and their fingers entwine against Scotty’s belly. Kevin kisses Scotty’s hair and the little popping kisses are comforting to Scotty, who is, once again, reminded how safe he can feel in his husband’s arms.
They are quiet for quite a while and Kevin believes Scotty is asleep, when Scotty softly says:
“You know, I believed she loved me. Unconditionally. Like your mother does with you. I honestly believed I could tell her everything.
That she would be on my side, no matter what. That she would fight for me…. And then I came out. I told her I was attracted to other men… Oh, you should have seen her face, Kevin, she was so disgusted with me. It was so obvious. She made no effort to hide it. Or to even soften the blow for me…. It was such a slap to my face.”
Scotty sighs and Kevin feels he’s not done yet, so he stays quiet, only firming his grip on Scotty’s body. Then Scotty shifts a bit and turns around, pressing his face to Kevin’s chest.
“Hold me.” He softly asks and Kevin does just that.
“It was difficult enough being gay in Mississippi, where I grew up. Not having anyone to fall back on, no shoulder to cry on, no one to talk to, certainly did not make it easier… I had not noticed the change, you know. My mom used to be such a free-spirited woman, but around the same time I found out I was gay, she discovered the church…
I was so wrapped up in my own insecurities, questions and fears, that I did not see the changes she was going through. Yes, I did notice that she spent more and more time in the church and with all sorts of charities. But I was fourteen, slowly acknowledging that I might be gay and, to be honest, not having mom around was a blessing.
I wasn’t allowed to have a lock on my door, you know, and the hours that mom and dad were in church on Sunday-morning, were the only hours where I could do some…. self-exploration…, as she called it when she found out I was masturbating…”
“You got caught?” Kevin asks.
“Yeah, not my finest moment…” Scotty grins and even Kevin chuckles in sympathy. “See, any other boy would do that, but not HER son. I always had to be better than anyone else. She was furious. I was not allowed to stay at home alone anymore and had to go to church with her and dad, where she could keep an eye on me.”
“Must have been terrible.” Kevin shivers.
“I’ve hated every second of every Sunday morning that I had to sit in that church. I hated the hypocrites around me, I hated my mom, I hated my dad, I hated myself, I hated school, I hated sports, I hated my life…. I was a typical teenager, I assume.”
Kevin cannot help but laugh quietly, though he does get the underlying message that Scotty was miserable.
“I guess, when they moved to Arizona, not long after I left…. She must have become even more bitter…”
“Probably. Your father said that your mom put very rigid demands on herself. And on him too apparently.” Kevin caresses Scotty’s arm.
“Poor dad. I hope he finally gets his freedom back, that he… I don’t know, … starts to live again.”
“Your father seems very lonely, maybe you ought to talk to him…” Kevin suggests. “I’ll stay here a while and give you two some privacy.”
“Kevin, it’s been a long day, I know, but… do you think it would be possible for us to leave after dinner. I want to go home.” Scotty asks.
“Don’t you want to stay a bit longer?” Kevin asks in return and Scotty shakes his head.
“I talked to dad while you called your mom and he needs some space, some time to get used to the fact that she’s gone. He would prefer it if I would come back in a few weeks…”
“Whatever you want, darling. I’ll go pack, if you go and talk to your dad.”
“Alright.” Scotty agrees, suddenly feeling more alive, now that he knows he will soon leave this depressing house. He sits up and turns to Kevin.
“I love you so very, very much, Kevin Walker. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” He confesses and after a long kiss, he leaves Kevin to find his father.
“Let’s see if I get this.” Robert tries. “You’re leaving for Malaysia, so you break up with Chad, who was willing to wait for you, and who loves you, but you don’t want him to,... to either love you or wait for you, ... because you’re going through some personal crises no one else can help you with. Although, in fact Chad would probably be a better help for you, than anyone else, but he is the person you walk away from….”
“Please, don’t make this too hard for me. It was already bad enough with Chad.”
“I’m not surprised that he wasn’t overly enthusiastic.”
“I thought, you’d be happy to see him gone from my life.”
“I don’t care about my feelings about him. I believed you loved him.”
“You have a funny way of showing it.”
“What do you mean?” Jason asks, slightly insulted and Robert wonders for a second, if Jason is just playing dumb or if he really has no idea what Robert is talking about.
“Alright. You claim to love Chad, yet you make a decision that has impact on his life without even talking to him about it.”
“But it was the only decision possible.”
“Chad may have wanted to wait for you.”
“Because he loves you too?” Robert asks, more sarcastic than he originally planned.
“But what if he wouldn’t want to wait for me? It would hurt like hell.”
“Does this feel better?”
“No. Not really.” Jason admits. “But at least I got to make the decision.”
“By taking away Chad’s option to chose.”
Jason sighs, slowly beginning to see what Robert means.
“I was so busy with how I feel, and how uncertain I am… I never looked at it from Chad’s side.”
“It would have been more thoughtful, if you’d put yourself in Chad’s shoes….”
“Then, who would be mine?” Jason replies sadly.
“You know, something tells me that Chad, or even Kevin, Scotty or …. What’s his name…. Jordan, would be people who know exactly what you’re going through. So it is beyond me, why you decide to chase them away, by hurting Chad.”
“They want me to be openly gay.” Jason says.
“Well, wasn’t that the point from the start? To be who you are?”
“I don’t want to be gay.”
“But you are?”
“Yes… but I can't be. I just can’t…” Jason is nearly crying. “Don’t you understand? This has to stop. I cannot be in my church, when I’m gay. And where would I turn to? It’s my home!”
“Just because you cannot be in the church anymore, doesn’t mean you can’t continue to honor God. But this is starting to sound as if you use your faith as a cloak, to hide who you really are. And if that is the case then your religion is not about how to serve God, but about how to renounce God’s work by not being who He made you to be….” Robert replies in a calm voice and Jason turns pale.
Robert feels sorry for him, but at the same time he knows he has to be tough on Jason, so he continues without merci.
“And seriously Jason, what are you really afraid of? What is the worst that could happen to you, if you would lose your position in church? What would be so bad about being just Jason McCallister?”
Robert had expected Jason to get angry over this question, but Jason looks at him with big eyes. The answer is more simple than Robert could ever have expected it to be.
“If I were just Jason McCallister, ... then I’d be nobody.”
“Jase, if you truly believe that, then you have a bigger problem than dealing you’re your homosexuality.”
END OF PART 85