marea67 (marea67) wrote,

introspection: Holly Harper - Rewind and replay

Rewind and replay
By Marea67
Character(s) involved: Holly Harper
Rate: G.
Disclaimer: B&S is totally someone else’s idea, I admit. But this little story popped up in my own strange mind. Not written for money, just light entertainment.
Summary: Holly replays it all.
Spoilers: Set after 2.16 – Prior commitments.
Introspection is the mental self-observation reporting of  conscious inner thoughts, desires and sensations. It is a conscious mental and usually purposive process relying on thinking, reasoning, and examining one's own thoughts feelings, and, in more spiritual cases, one's soul.

I keep going over it in my mind. Over and over again. Things I should have done, things I should NOT have done. I should NOT have gone to his funeral. I should NOT have talked to Justin. I should have stayed away. I should not have gotten involved. I got so confused. I wanted to hurt Nora for being allowed to be the grieving widow, while I was nothing. I wanted to hurt William’s family, for all the times that Rebecca believed she was mistake, following a one night affaire.
I admired Nora’s strength, at the same time. From what William told me, I always had this idea in my head that she couldn’t live without William, that she would just wither and die without him. That somehow she was this poor, breakable wife, while I was the independent woman of the world. That was a lie William told me. For Nora was not poor, nor breakable and a no push over either. I really don’t want to cross swords with her again, but I guess, now that Becca told the truth, it cannot be avoided.
I should never have let David back into my life, but I really believed he was back to stay. I loved him once and I fell in love with him again. He was once very creative, very good at his job, if he was sober, but the cocaine destroyed so much. But to have him back and enjoy his company, to be loved by him again and perhaps support him to try and make something of his life again…
I wanted a future with him. A new life. The one I would never have had with William. To be in a relationship with a man, who comes home every night. And not with a man, who only shows up if he could escape his wife…. To wake up next to a man, who didn’t have to hurry because there was a family waiting. I wanted the dream. The perfect fantasy. Is that so bad?
I was floored when he told he would leave for New York. I couldn’t understand it. I thought I meant something to him. I saw him look at me. I saw him love me. I looked and looked and somehow his words, cutting me like a knife, just did not match this look in his eyes. There was so much pain as he said his goodbye and I didn’t understand why. I didn’t get it.
I don’t believe I’ve cried so hard, not since William died. I made a fire and watched it and I just couldn’t get warm. I drank my wine, tried to get my head around it, but I just couldn’t. And then Rebecca came home. She reminded me coldly that I had once called David a ‘flake’. Perhaps. But he wasn’t. Not really. I had hoped on some comfort from her, now I know why I didn’t get it.
I kept getting these angry remarks from Rebecca and I didn’t understand what was going on…. Now I wished I never knew.. the moment I heard her say ‘paternity-test’ I knew what was coming. I was so shocked and terrified. I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to know that she was not William’s. I didn’t want to know that she was David’s. She had to be William’s. She just had to be!
I got accused of ‘whoring it up’!? I could not believe it! Why would I ever want to take away from her, the family that I felt she partially belonged to. I always thought of William as her father, I always thought of William’s children as her half-brothers and –sisters. There was never any doubt in my mind. But I didn’t let William Walker die believing Rebecca was his child.
I never told William that Rebecca was his child. Never. I never even made him have any doubt about it that she wasn't. I told him about David from the start. Why? It was the look on his face, when I told him I was pregnant. The shock, the horror. He wanted to have the fun, but not the responsibilities. So telling him I was pregnant… and then tell him it wasn’t his…. To remind him that, I too, could have others if I chose to… That felt good.
I didn’t see William for nearly a year after that. He didn’t need a pregnant mistress. But he showed up again, a few months after Becca’s birth…. We forgave each other and we picked up where we left off. I thought the boundaries were clear. I never lied to William about anything. The only lie, I thought, I ever told him was that Rebecca was NOT his child. And that turned out to be the thruth.
I should have never said to Becca that she wanted to believe that William was her father, because, at first, she couldn’t believe it. She asked me to tell her the truth and I told her MY truth. Now I wish, that Kevin had checked that one hair for DNA. I should have maintained to Sarah what I told William, that Rebecca was not William’s. At best they could have proven me to be telling the truth, but Sarah was so convinced that I was lying and I was eager to lash back.
I saw the look, the hurt, the betrayal on her face was worth the admittance that William was Becca’s father. Now, I wished I had shut up. I believed her to be William’s and when David came back in my life, I never considered the possibility that he was her father, until I saw her together with him. I looked at her and I could remember certain aspects of David. And recognised them in Becca.
I looked at my daughter in the middle of our arguement and suddenly ‘got’ it. I knew why David left me. She made him. She made him leave. After everything I’d done for her…. After all the sacrifices. After leaving behind all my dreams. After all those awful temp jobs. William never made it easy for me. I worked for my money. And I worked hard to support Rebecca and myself. But it was never enough. Rebecca wanted all the things the other children had as well.
I had to watch William go back home every time. Nora HAD a husband. Sarah, Kitty, Tommy, Kevin and Justin HAD a father. William HAD his family and his house. And me? I was always alone, my daughter believed her father didn’t know she existed and the house belonged to William and Ojai, not to me…. And for Rebecca to stand there and act as if I has spent my entire life slouching on a couch at the expense of poor William and the rest of the poor Walkers….. THEY had it easy. Not me.
I had had enough. When I told Rebecca to leave, I had hoped she would take a step back. Look at what she was doing. But she didn’t. She just threw me away like yesterday’s garbage. How could she? I am her mother. I gave birth to her. I fed her. I gave her clothes to wear. I put her through school. I gave her an education. I nursed her when she was sick. I dried her tears when she was crying. I laughed with her when she was happy. I loved her. ....I still love her. That love is still there, when she needs it, but I will not be treated like a doormat by my own daughter.
I knew Sarah would be  totally unreasonable. I tried to save Ojai, because I owed it to William. After the countless times he would talk about it, it became a part of my life as well. Her ranting on about the password didn’t make a difference. Maybe William secretly believed that Rebecca was his. I don’t know. He certainly never told me. Nothing about any password, nor how he felt about Rebecca. I always believed he left me the money because I was his mistress for so long and he wanted to see me financially secure. Now, I don’t know what to believe anymore.
I saw Nora and Sarah come into office and tell us about the predicament of Ojai. Nora tried to talk Tommy into helping them…. But I, too,  worked hard to build Walker’s landing. She didn’t even LOOK at me. She was expecting everyone to just accept her orders because she’s the matriarch of the Walker-family. Well, I’m the matriarch of the Harper-clan, and although there is practically nothing left of it, I will defend what I built up, …  with everything I’ve got!
I wanted to see a glimpse of hope in Sarah, when I asked for a proposal, but I already knew I would turn it down and I’d take away that hope. But I got touched by Tommy’s pain. He put everything on the line to go into business with me. He was the only one who truly came through for me and I somehow found it hard to deal with his disappointment.
I was caught, that night, between what I once felt for William, the shocking results of Rebecca's test, my gratitude to Tommy, my contempt for Sarah. And as I was sitting there, I knew I had the ultimate weapon in my hands. A merger. I would be part of what was important to William, to Tommy, to Nora, to Sarah and to myself. They could no longer ignore me…. Oh, and to see Sarah’s defeat and Nora’s, barely controlled, anger was good.
I know what the Walkers are thinking of me, but that doesn’t hurt me anymore. I am ready for a fight. They will treat me like dirt, but then I’ve been treated like dirt by them for so long, that that doesn’t impress me anymore. Rebecca will be back. She always came back before and I can’t see that change. After everything that William put me through, there is no way that he can hurt me anymore.
Holly Harper.
Tags: character - holly, series - introspection

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