: G. Disclaimer:
B&S is not mine. I know. Written with love not for money Summary:
Kevin goes to see William
It had rained all morning, the dark rainclouds are slowly moving away and the sun unsuccessfully tries to break through the still clouded sky, waiting for the clear sky that is approaching in the distance. The grass is still wet and feels a bit soggy under Kevin’s shoes as he crosses it with slow, reluctant steps.
He hasn’t been here in a long time. And he is not really looking forward to being here. And he watches the huge stone he’s approaching with about as much dread as he used to watch the door of his dad’s study….
But there it is. Kevin wants to turn and run away, but a few steps behind him is Scotty and he would feel like such fool, if he couldn’t push this through. But he stops anyway. The stone just seems to stare at him in an ominous way. And he feels Scotty’s hand on his back.
“Are you alright, sweetie?” he asks softly and Kevin turns to him.
“I’m not sure I can do this.” He whispers. Scotty smiles and caresses Kevin’s cheek with his thumb. A gentle gesture that relaxes Kevin a bit and a tiny smile crosses his face.
“I’m here, Kevin. And whatever you want to do, I’ll follow you. If you want to go on, I’m going with you. If you want to return to the car, I won’t question your decision.”
Kevin swallows hard. There is so much tenderness in Scotty eyes and words, that it chokes him up. And for the millionth time he asks himself what great thing it was, that he did, that he has earned the right to have this wonderful man by his side. He shivers although it’s not cold...
“I’d feel like such a wimp, if I don’t go.” He says.
“I’m not going to judge you. The relationship you had with your dad was a difficult and strained one. On one side you admired him, you respected him, because he was your father, he was a good provider, he built his own company, he was loved and respected in the community. On the other side you hated him, for how he treated you and for what you have discovered about him since his death. It cannot be easy to merge all those different sides of his personality.”
“It’s a tombstone! It shouldn’t scare me so much.”
“It’s not the stone, it’s what it represents….” Scotty corrects him with a loving smile and Kevin agrees. And so he takes the final 15-20 steps. And there he is. At William Walker’s grave. The last time he was here was the day of the funeral and he never came back here alone.
Twice he drove his mother here, but he would stay at the car, uninterested, as if it were a stranger lying here. And in a way, to Kevin, William was
a stranger. He turns to Scotty, standing behind him.
“I don’t know what to say….” His voice is small and insecure.
“Just say whatever comes to you.” Scotty encourages him.
“He never listened to me in life, why would he listen to me in death?” Kevin questions and Scotty finds that a very interesting aspect. Then a little smile plays around his lips, he knows a lot about what happened between Kevin and William, Kevin spent many sad moments in his arms, telling him about William and Scotty’s feelings for William are not charitable at best…
“At least, he can’t walk away from you here.” He answers dryly and Kevin starts to laugh, an nervous laughter that indicates the stress he’s under.
“Wanna bet?” Kevin jokes in return and now they both giggle, a bit embarrassed, as it seems inappropriate at a cemetery, but it breaks the tension and eventually Kevin clears his throat.
“So… dad,…” Kevin looks around him, the cemetery is quiet and peaceful and there is the sweet smell of wet grass and warmth in the air, even though the sky is still grey. He feels Scotty’s hand slip into his as if to give him support and he gently squeezes Scotty’s hand. “This is a lovely place, dad, it almost seems unbefitting. That you are allowed to rest here, on such a peaceful piece of land, after all the turmoil and the rollercoaster-rides you’ve put us through.”
Kevin bows his head. Here is where you come to honor the dead, but he cannot feel that for William. He closes his eyes as he tries to remember something nice about his dad, but all that comes flooding back is his mother’s pain when William died, the way Justin was hurt by the will, how that will created competitiveness between Tommy and Sarah, the horror on Holly’s face when she was revealed as William’s mistress.
There was the embezzlement that brought so much stress, the revelation of the land, the way it put Holly in their lives, the havoc in Rebecca’s life, and now the impact on Ryan Lafferty and his family…. He tries to swallow his bitterness away. There’s nothing he can do anymore about his frustrations.
“Dad… I didn’t come alone. I came here with my husband, Scotty Wandell. You have never had the opportunity to meet him. And, in all honesty,…. If you could have, I doubt that you would have wanted me to introduce him to you. You never wanted to deal with that aspect of my being gay. That I would be with a man, instead of with a woman….”
Kevin’s voice becomes softer, he turns to Scotty, realizing they are still holding hands, he brings Scotty’s fingers to his lips and kisses them.
“Can…? Can you please leave us alone for a second?” he asks hesitantly. Scotty nods. He understands that Kevin needs some time alone with William.
“I’m going back to the car.” He says and Kevin hands him the keys.
“Why don’t you open the top. It doesn’t look like it will rain again.” Scotty agrees that Kevin will need the fresh air a little later on and so he accepts the keys and Kevin sees him walk back to the car with large steps. He turns back to the tomb.
“There goes one fine young man, dad. I know you won’t believe me, but I’m a very lucky man to have him. You see, he and I talked about forgiveness last night and he made me understand how much my anger and bitterness towards you, was still controlling my life. And so I came here today to tell you, that I forgive you. This doesn’t mean you were right.
I will however forgive you that you were not the father I expected you to be. I had high expectations of you and you didn’t meet them, anymore than I met yours. I’m sorry about that. I can’t change who I am, anymore than you could change who you were. You’ve hurt me very deep in the past, but I've survived and the only reason why it still hurts, is because I let
it hurt me.
So I forgive you and I let you go. I want to look at my future with my husband and leave the bad things of the past behind me.” He wipes away a tear from the corner of his eye and over his shoulder he looks at Scotty. “...Although I do sometimes wonder what you would have thought of Scotty and whether you would have approved of our marriage….” He smiles sadly . “Goodbye, dad. It was nice talking to you.”
Kevin turns around, just when the sun finally reaches the edge of the clouds and comes bursting through. He can see the beam of sunlight move across the cemetery. The dark clouds have moved away and the sudden light is so bright that it stings Kevin’s eyes for a moment. As he closes his eyes to shield them momentarily from the sun, he feels a warm tingling feeling inside, it is almost as if someone holds him very tightly in a warm embrace.
For a few seconds Kevin can swear he smells his father’s aftershave. The scent that he wore so
long and that had so
belonged to him. As he opens his eyes he sees that a huge rainbow is forming and its’ colors are very intense. Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and purple. He can see all of them very clearly and it is breathtaking.
He approaches his car and Scotty looks up at him from the passenger-seat.
“Are you alright?” he asks and Kevin looks at him with tears in his eyes.
“Did you see that?”
“See what, my love?”
“That rainbow!” But when Kevin looks again … “It’s gone.” He says disappointed.
“Rainbows do that more often, they appear and disappear, just like that.” Scotty replies, snapping his fingers.
“Yeah, I guess, you’re right.” Kevin’s voice is raw.
He sits down beside Scotty and takes one last look at his father’s grave in the distance. He had dreaded coming here, but now he will leave feeling lighter than he imagined possible. He turns to Scotty and bends over to him, claiming a long and tender kiss, that leaves Scotty looking up at him all dreamily.
“Can we go home now?” Scotty wonders still enchanted by the kiss.
“Yes, we can.” Kevin laughs, but then, more seriously, he says. “I just wanted you to know that you were right to talk me into coming here and forgiving him. I love you so much, Scotty Wandell.”
“And I’m glad you listened to me and I love you too, Kevin,”