This time Kevin and Sarah decided not to ‘spare’ me. They came to me with the truth they feared. They were sitting there…. Right there, apologizing for their father’s behavior, embarrassed by their suspicions, concerned for my feelings…. God! William, how could you?!?!.
How could you not only betray me like this, but also your children? Why is it that I have to see Sarah all torn up? As if she hasn’t been through enough already with her divorce from Joe, only seeing her children half the time, losing a lover she really cared for and nearly seeing the destruction of Ojai, only to see it saved by the woman she hates most on this planet..
And Kevin… my poor Kevin. Got married only yesterday, spending his wedding-night worrying about his father’s infidelity, how to tell his mother about it and how the other siblings will think about it. Damn, Scotty must be very, very happy with his in-laws… He must be so proud to have become a member of this family!!! Now that Kevin finally found his happiness, I refuse to stand by and let you destroy him all over again, William Walker!.
I’ve fought for nearly two years to keep our family together and with NO help from you whatsoever. It seems that, with every new revelation, we find out how little we knew you. Worse is, that I slowly stopped remembering “us” as well. I can no longer miss you in our bed, knowing you shared one with Holly as well and how the hell am I supposed to be a grieving widow when there is less and less to grieve for?
How am I supposed to remember the love we once had? When the memories of every happy day are now clouded by the question if you would have rather been with her, than with me? What of all the times you told me you loved me? That you were proud of what we had? Was that all a lie? I sometimes stop on the stairs and look at your picture and feel like I am looking at a total stranger and not the man I was married to for so many years. I used to believe I could read your mind, like you could read mine. That, in spite of our different opinions on life, we were a team.
Oh, William, was it all a lie? Is this Ryan a child of yours, as Kevin and Sarah fear? And did you only lie to me? Or did you lie to her too? If so, please, God, grand me the pleasure of being the one to tell Holly. I want to be one to see her face when she realizes that SHE’s been cheated on as well… That I am not the only one. …. And I want her to feel the pain I felt.
(…Silence… calming down… unclenching of fist.)
Who am I kidding? I don’t know, if I want her to know. I don’t know, if I really want her to know how deep she cut me. How deeply she managed to hurt me… I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of somehow feeling that she won something by nearly destroying me and my family. I am not done with her.… Not yet...
And Rebecca? Oh, dear God, Rebecca. What will she think of us? Her entire life put upside down and for what? A lying mother who had an affair with a man who was cheating on his wife and family. And worst of all, she’s not even yours, William… What a joke!!! But, you know, I almost wish she were yours, because then, at least, this whole sordid affair of yours and Holly’s would have given us something good in the end.
God, how will I explain this to Tommy and Kitty and Justin? Tommy, who wants to be so much like you that he, too, fell in the infidelity trap. And I don’t know if it is a blessing or a curse that Julia walked in the same trap. I am glad they try to work through this… But didn’t we do the same? Didn’t I believe for so many years that, after finding out about your affair the first time, it was over and it would never happen again? How could I have been so stupid?... And will Tommy follow in your footsteps here as well? Can Julia trust him no to do it again? Like I trusted you?
Kitty will find it so difficult to believe… Or maybe not. She already lost her faith in you once before. Maybe the blow won’t be so big this time around. With her trying to start a family of her own, she doesn’t need the extra pressure. And she has Robert to fall back on, he has proven to be a good husband to her. It felt good to know that HE didn’t cheat on Courtney, but that Courtney cheated on Robert. Dare I hope that Kitty will be spared the pain I felt?
And Justin… I don’t know… I will keep an eye on him. See what he will do once he finds out. I hope he will not return to using drugs. I am trying to stimulate him to get a job, like you wanted, William, but not in the same bossy tone. He hates being told what to do and it will drive him even further away from me. He really should get a girlfriend or something… Perhaps I should ask Rebecca if she doesn’t know someone?
And now I’m crying again. Yesterday at Kevin’s wedding I could not help but think of you, William. I so wished that you could have been there, that maybe once, for just a few moments, you could be proud of Kevin again and perhaps even tell him. Maybe you would have looked at him and Scotty and see two people working very hard for love, for life, for togetherness. How I wish I could have made you understand, that you don’t fall in love with someone’s sex, but you just fall in love. Period. No questions asked. No reasons needed.
And yesterday, at Kevin and Scotty’s marriage, I had hope. Hope that we could finally put this painful period behind us. Rebecca was not yours, too bad. Holly turned out to be a liar, so what’s new? Justin, Tommy and Kitty seemed to be doing just fine. Sarah had Paige and Cooper there, who could watch their uncle Kevin finally get married to the man he loved. Saul came out of the closet, be it somewhat awkwardly. I started with one lovely daughter-in-law, Julia and saw two great men added to my family: Robert and Scotty. Lizzy was there, for the first time in months she was freed from her colds. Everything seemed so perfect….
Why did your actions have to destroy everything…. all over again? Why is it that, just when I felt my life was back in order, you have to pull the rug from underneath me… all over again? What did I ever do? All I ever did was love you, no? What will the future bring us this time? How can I keep my family together if we get hit time after time? Who were you? Why did I never even suspect anything? Have I truly been so foolish? If Ryan exists, what am I supposed to tell that child about you? I don’t want to lie, but can I tell the truth? And do I still know what the truth about you is?
Did you ever really love me?
I have SO many questions…..
Nora Walker Nora Holden